


eye of the storm

by befham



Category: Sons of Anarchy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Anal Fingering, Angst with a Happy Ending, Blow Jobs, Breast Fucking, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Fingerfucking, Oral Sex, Pregnancy, Pregnant Sex, Tara Knowles is a BAMF, Tara Knowles will do anything for her boys, Unplanned Pregnancy, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-11-17
Updated: 2017-12-28
Packaged: 2018-02-25 18:51:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 21
Words: 65,509
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2632529
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/befham/pseuds/befham
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jax and Tara must deal with the consequences of their actions.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Au at the end of 6x10 because I still can't deal with the ending.

Tara's hands are still shaking as she clutches the steering wheel. The image of the dried up whore riding her husband's dick is burned into her memory and no matter how much distance she puts between them, it will never be enough to wipe that memory away.

She thinks of nothing but the morbid satisfaction she had felt at finally having somebody to take her anger out on. The feeling of her knuckles splitting open as they connected with the whore's soft skin as the possessive anger burned through her veins. It was an old friend that she had embraced with welcoming arms. It had been a regular feeling back when she was nineteen and in love with the bad ass biker who looked at no other girl but her, but that hadn't stopped the jealous girls going after her man anyway. That burning anger had been a constant in her life in her cat fighting days, something she had thought had been deeply buried the moment she left Charming. But just one look at Jackson Teller had brought back the possessiveness she had spent ten years burying. It didn't matter that they hadn't laid eyes on one another in a decade, he was hers and she was his, always and forever.

But once the anger dimmed, the pain pushed through.

She had never felt so much pain as when she found him with Ima. This was so much worse. To actually see him with another woman was a torture she had never been prepared for. There were no excuses to be made this time, it wasn't to protect her or to push her away. He fucked that whore to hurt her, to punish her.

But she could have handled that. Understood it, even. She had hurt him, and he had wanted to hurt her the only way he knew how.

No, what broke her heart was the look on Jax's face before the shock of seeing her standing there in the doorway set in. He had looked at the blonde with such desire, with a fierce longing that had been absent from his eyes for weeks every time he looked at her. What hurt her beyond comprehension was that he slept with someone else because he wanted to. Because no matter how much she wanted to get out of Charming with her boys, leaving Jax was not something she wanted to do. She loved him, more than her own life but not more than her sons. She would have readily followed him down the path to hell, but her innocent boys made her see what he couldn't. Charming was poisonous, and if they didn't get out now, then her sons would be stuck here to repeat history all over again. She will die before she lets that happen. It's a possibility that seems more and more likely as the days go by. Every moment of everyday feels like a battle between her and Jax, and she's pretty sure that eventually she will lose. How can a single person fight a war against the man that she loves, his mother and his club? Her beautiful babies deserve far better than the life they have chosen, and if that ends with a bullet to her brain, then she will know that she died trying. 

The tears spring to Tara's eyes and though she keeps them shut, a couple of tears manage to escape anyway. She pushes them away impatiently and tries to think of anything other than Jackson Teller. But it's no use. She used to be so sure of him and their love, but now she can't even say for sure that he would never hurt her. But her _has_. He may not have raised a hand to her, but she's pretty sure that it would have been far less painful than seeing him having sex with another woman. If she tossed back a bottle of vodka, the image would still come to her and it will forever remain in her mind until her dying day.

She knows what she should do. She should crawl on her hands and knees and beg Patterson to make a new deal to keep her boys safe. But no matter how many times she talks herself into finally doing it, she just can't bring herself to commit that final act of betrayal.

_Suck it up, you stupid bitch. Your boys need you._

It doesn't matter how much time or distance she puts between them. Jackson Teller was hers, and nothing would ever be able to change that.

And it's with that thought that she turns her car around and heads back to Charming.

\--

The image of Clay Morrow's bullet ridden body is something she can't get out of her head. The man who had caused them all such pain, prevented Jax from leaving the club, destroyed her career, tried to have her killed, was finally out of there lives. She escapes to the bedroom to clean herself up after Bobby is stable, but in truth she wanted to get away from Jax's brothers crowded into one room.

She hears him enter the bedroom but she can't bring herself to look at him. This man just killed his step-father for many reasons, but she is sure that one of those reasons was because of her and damn her but she loves him for it.

God, what has happened to her?

She feels his eyes burning holes into the back of her skull. It's the first time they've been alone since she found him in bed with another woman and proceeded to pull a gun on him. Not knowing what to say, she continues looking down and silently wishes for him to leave.

"I made a deal with Patterson. I gave her the Irish, and she's gonna stop looking into the club. All charges against you have been dropped. You're not going to jail, Tara."

Tara turns in shock. He's staring at her intently and she can't help but notice how worn out he looks.

"I understand. Why you did everything. I'm sorry that being with me took you to that place."

She remains silent because what is she supposed to say? Thank you seems pretty inadequate right now. But then he's turning to leave and she can't leave it like this. She's throwing herself in his arms before she can stop herself and holding onto him with everything inside of her. They are so fucked up right now and in truth she doesn't think that they will ever get back to how they were, doesn't even know if she wants them to. But no matter what, he's given her back her future with her boys, and she will never be able to repay him for that.

She doesn't want to let go, and when his arms tighten around her she has the feeling that he doesn't want to either. In this moment, it's just them, Jax and Tara. They aren't the biker and the doctor, they aren't mommy and daddy.

Just for that moment, he is the man she has been in love with for half of her life.

But then he's pulling away from her and saying, "I'll drive you home," and the moment is over, and they are back to reality where painful silences and distrustful looks are the highs of their relationship.


	2. Chapter 2

Tara doesn't expect him to follow her into the house. She isn't ready for the confrontation that is sure to come. Part of her wants to put on her running shoes and get the hell out of this house, but she knows that running isn't an answer for her problems since the moment she became a mother.

Jax's eyes are now burning holes into the back of her skull as she fusses about the kitchen, delaying the inevitable. Clay's dead body still haunts her memory, but that is soon eclipsed by the prostitute straddling her husband as he looked at her with angry eyes. The gratefulness she feels turns to anger, and once again the need to hurt him runs through her. The silence is unbearable, his eyes tracking her every movement until she finally has enough and turns to him. He stands in the doorway, the picture of nonchalance as he leans against the door frame with folded arms. If it wasn't for those troubled blue eyes, she would have thought that he didn't give a damn about the shitstorm that he has to know is coming his way.

"Do you have something to say Jax, or are you just going to stare at me for the rest of the day?"

Jax lets out a breath. "I don't know what to say."

"Then why are you still here?"

"Because this is my home," he says quietly, the hard edge that has been present in the last few weeks softening.

Tara laughs bitterly. "Yes, I suppose that this is your house. But this isn't a home. Not anymore. You haven't been here in weeks. So why are you here now?"

Jax straightens then and runs a hand through his hair. "We can't leave things like this Tara."

He sounds tired, almost defeated. Realizing he's right, Tara straightens her spine and tries to keep her shame and anger at bay. Because despite how justified she thinks her actions are, Jax is her husband, and he deserves an explanation.

"You know, when I was in that prison cell all I could think about was _them_." Her voice shakes a little as she remembers those desolate weeks, the constant fear of the unknown and the need to survive this so she could be with her family once more. "I couldn't think about my case or what you were getting up to while I was away-"

"I came to see you," Jax snaps, that hard edge creeping into his voice once more. "You refused to see me-"

"Just let me finish!" Tara spits out impatiently. "All I could think about was what would happen to them if I got sent down, if you got yourself locked up or even died. They would have been raised by Gemma. Can you honestly say that you want her to raise your children, to have them turn out like you? I made a plan, and though it almost killed me to betray you like that, I had to do it. I couldn't see you because I knew that the moment I was alone with you, I wouldn't be able to go through with it.

"Everything I did, it was for our boys," she says quietly, her voice trembling. "They deserve so much better than this life. I tried to see what you see, how you see it but I can't," Tara says, softly. She lets out a shaky breath. "All I see are the lies and the violence, and it's going to hurt them one day. It's changed you, and it's turning you into a monster."

"I never forced my life on you," Jax bites out stiffly. "You came back to me. You're a part of what I am Tara. You always have been."

"That was my mistake," she lies. Maybe coming back had been a mistake, but she would never have had Abel and Thomas if she had stayed in Chicago. And her boys make the last five years of hell worth it.

She sighs and shakes her head. "I don't think there's anything left to say. You need to leave."

"There's plenty left to say."

"There really isn't."

"Tara c'mon-"

"You want to talk? Fine. Was she good?" Tara bites out nonchalantly, as if they were discussing the weather and not the hooker who was riding his dick like a trooper only days ago.

The flash of surprise across his face only fuels her anger. "Tara-"

"How was she? Did you get your moneys worth?" She raises an eyebrow scornfully and spitefully adds, "Personally, I think she's a little too old for your usual taste, but maybe MILFs are what you're into these days."

Tara relishes in the spark of anger in his eyes. "Stop it Tara."

"Based on the little psychology I've studied, I'd say you've got some mommy issues, baby." His clenched jaw could cut glass, and for the first time in so long she feels alive. Seeing him seething in his contained anger excites her, and some twisted part of her gets off on fighting with him. She walks towards him, her mouth twisting into a cruel smile as she steps up close to him and runs a hand down his stomach and just stopping at the buckle of his belt. She tugs him towards her, enjoying the sound of his surprised grunt. "Is she one of your favorites?" Tara whispers, looking up at him with scornful eyes. "I'm guessing that wasn't the first time you've been with her. But what do I know, right? I'm only your wife."

"God dammit!" he shouts, and for an awful moment she honestly thinks that he's about to strike her. "Fine! Just fucking stop okay!" Jax grips her arms tightly and pulls her even closer. "What do you want from me, Tara? You want to divorce me? Take my kids away from me?" He leans closer to her and she can see the barely suppressed rage in his eyes. "That ain't going to happen, babe."

"I want the image of you and that fucking woman to stop playing in my head," she hisses at him. "I want you to put your family first for once! I want to take our kids and get away from this fucking poisonous town and your toxic mother. I want to be able to take my kids to the park without looking over my shoulder for the most recent enemy of the club-"

"This is about us, not the club-"

"Everything about you always relates back to the club! Can't you see what it's turning you into? What it's turning me into? We're becoming the people who we hate most in the world! You might want to carry on going down that path, but I can't."

"We are not Gemma and Clay."

"No, but if we carry on then we will be. You promised, Jax," she says, her voice cracking with emotion. "You wanted to leave too. I understood you wanting to fix the things that Clay broke. I stood by you! But everything's fixed now, the club is out of drugs, out of guns. Yet you're still here!

"I have given up everything for you. I came back here for you. I've given up my career for you. But I will not stand by and let our sons follow your path."

The times he has put the club before her, before their family. The times he has pushed her away for her own safety. The women he's fucked behind her back. All of the promises that he has broken, it all comes bubbling up to the surface.

"I love you Jax," she hisses in his face. "I love you and I fucking hate you for doing this to us."

He stares at her and she can finally see that horrid emotionless mask starting to fade. _My son loves deep, hates deeper._ She's beginning to wonder if those words are true. For the first time in weeks she is seeing the real him, and though it kills her a little inside to see his vicious anger directed at her, she embraces it because now she's free from the lies and the secrets and possibly even him-

He claims her mouth with a bruising kiss, his entire being consuming her and she knows she is a fool for even thinking for one second that she could ever be free of this man and the hold he has over her.

She bites his lip harshly and groans into his mouth because finally, this is real. His hands are tugging off her jacket and she's pushing off his cut and unzipping his hoodie. He wrenches his mouth away from hers and sucks on the sensitive skin of her neck and she knows that he's marking her, showing the world that even if they do hate each other, she is still his.

Tara tugs his hair impatiently and he finally releases her tender skin. She pulls her top over her head and her greedy hands reach for his belt buckle. She feels his eyes burning holes into her but she pays him no mind as she pushes down his jeans and wraps a hand around his hardening length.

He groans and it's such a delicious sound that her eyes snap back to his. She almost wants to smile smugly because she knows that only she can do this to him, make him feel like this. After fifteen years, they know the other's body and how to make the other see stars. In that moment it doesn't matter how many women he has had over the years. Without a doubt, she is the only one who can bring him to his knees with a simple twist of her wrist.

Its a glorious feeling knowing that this powerful man comes undone because of _her_.

Her hand tightens around him and she's just about to tease him some more but then he's stepping away from her and for an awful moment she is sure that he's going to stop. But then he's reaching for her and pulling down her jeans impatiently and kicking off his shoes.

His hand cups her sex and his skilled fingers have her soaked in seconds. She spreads her legs for him as he pushes her panties to the side and has two fingers buried inside of her before she can blink. She leans back against the table as he looms over her. She couldn't escape him even if she wanted to. Tara rocks against his hand, and she tips her head to brush her mouth against his bearded jaw.

Tara cries out in ecstasy as he fucks her, his fingers curling inside of her and his thumb rubbing her clitoris without mercy. She comes almost immediately, the walls of her cunt fluttering around his fingers. Jax snaps her bra off, tossing it away impatiently and cupping one of her breasts in his calloused hand. His thumb circles her nipple slowly, and just as he slides another finger inside of her, he pinches her nipple. She cries shamelessly, her eyes locked on his as she reaches for his cock. She grips him tightly and strokes him until he groans quietly and captures her hand in his and pulls their joint hands to rest against his chest. He carries on fucking her with his fingers until she is a quivering mess and just when she's having her second orgasm, he whispers darkly in her ear, "It doesn't matter if you hate me, you will always love me Tara, just as I will always love you."

And then he's pulling away from her and she's crying out in dismay as she realizes that he's going to leave. She can't stop herself from reaching out for him and kissing him with insistent lips. She knows that this is wrong, that she's not ready for this or to forgive him because everything she said was true.

But it's _Jax._ The man who she has loved for so long that he's a part of her now. She's missed him after those long weeks of feeling like strangers. Despite their fucked up relationship, this intimacy has always been simple between them.

She feels his hesitation, but soon his mouth is hot against hers and she is powerless to resist. His calloused hands reach down to cup her ass and then he is lifting her. Her legs wrap around him instinctively and then he's walking slowly towards their bedroom. He lays her down gently on their bed and pulls away from her mouth to press soft kisses down her body, fingers trailing down her sides. She welcomes his familiar touch that brings her so much warmth and comfort.

His beard makes her shiver in delight as he presses a sucking kiss to the inside of thigh as he slides her soaked panties down her legs. Jax grabs her waist, sliding her towards him and then he has her legs hooked over his shoulders and his mouth is on her.

He takes her like she's his own personal feast.

Tara's back arches and moans softly as his talented tongue sets every nerve ending on fire. His eyes never leave her face, his hold on her ass tightening. She reaches down and runs a hand through his hair as he sucks greedily on her clitoris, unsure if she wants to push him away or pull him closer. She's crying out his name in ecstasy, and she can see the smug satisfaction in his eyes at still being the only one who can make her a shaking mess. He picks up speed, kissing, licking, sucking and just when he uses a hint of teeth, she's finally having the most intense orgasm of her life when he pulls away. Tara cries out in dismay instead of euphoria.

But then Jax is crawling up her body and hovering over her. For a moment they do nothing but stare at each other. They breath each other in, lips so close that they brush against each other.

_How have we become this?_

Then he's closing the gap between them and laying the gentlest kiss on her lips. She can taste herself on his tongue and it sends a thrill down her spine. Tara pulls him closer until they are completely wrapped around each other. Then he's burying himself inside of her, and she can't help but sigh at the delicious sensation of him stretching her.

"Look at me," he whispers, his voice rough with desire. She looks at him, and once again he is the man that she loves and in that moment she feels whole again. This is when they are at their best, when it's just the two of them locked away from the world. Tara gently presses her lips against his shoulder.

He fucks her slowly as if they have all the time in the world, never taking his eyes off of hers as if he's memorizing every little thing about her. Her breasts brush against his chest with every thrust causing her breath to catch in her throat. She's so close, but she doesn't want this moment to end. Because after this, she has no idea what is going to happen between them, and that scares her more than anything in this world. "Don't stop," Tara whispers. Jax grabs her hand and links their fingers together.

His rhythm never alters and his slow, hard thrusts have her gasping in pleasure. With each thrust her orgasm builds higher and higher and then she's coming, her whole body shaking underneath his. Jax's eyes stay locked on her the entire time. Each thrust gets harder and harder until he buries his face in her neck and spills himself inside of her.

They stay that way for a long time, each trying to catch their breath, until Jax lifts his head. He looks down at her with tender eyes and the trace of a smile on his lips. He places a soft kiss on her nose, then on her lips and then he wraps his arms around her waist and rolls them over, hugging her to him. She feels oddly peaceful, thinking that this is the first time in months that there are no more secrets between them.

"God, I love you so much," she hears him mumble against her neck a few moments later. And she tries, she really tries to hold onto that peaceful feeling, but the moment those words are whispered against her skin, all of the painful memories flood back in.

There's no changing the past and despite how she rationalizes it, there are no excuses this time. Her husband had sex with another woman. Jax was inside the pretty blonde whore despite the fact that he made a vow to her. That woman knows what he looks like naked, the tattoos, the scars. She knows what he feels like inside of her. She knows what he looks like when he comes. And though part of her wants to bash the whore's head in until she is unable to remember those precious memories that should only belong to her, the bigger part wants to hurt Jax just as much as he constantly hurts her.

Ima she rationalized. He had told her that they were over, Abel had been kidnapped, claimed that he was trying to protect her. She forgave, but she never forgot.

He had every reason to want to hurt her after everything that she had caused. But this? He didn't only betray her. Jackson betrayed their boys, their little family, just to get back at her.

And she doesn't think that's something she can ever forgive him for.

Tara tenses, and Jax must feel that he's losing her because he's pulling her closer to him. "Tara-"

"Let go of me," she says quietly.

He holds her tighter. "Babe-"

"Get your hands off of me!"

He reluctantly lets her go. Tara's out of the bed in seconds and pulling the sheet around her naked body as if it is battle armor. The moment that she's away from him she wonders what the hell has she done. The delicious ache between her legs suddenly makes her feel sick to her stomach. With shaking hands she pulls the sheet tighter against her body and makes her way into the bathroom. "You need to leave," she tosses over her shoulder.

"Can we talk about this?" he questions as he follows her.

"There's nothing left to talk about. Get out." She goes to shut the bathroom door but his hand blocks her. Tara's eyes are suspiciously damp but she can't let him see her like this. He has broken her, again, but she will be damned if she lets him see it.

"I'm not going anywhere babe," he says surprisingly gently. "Please let me back in."

"I can't," she whispers, feeling suddenly exhausted.

"Please baby," he whispers, pulling her into his arms. She wants to stop feeling like this. She wants to go back to their life where they're happy again. "Just let me back in."

"You hurt me Jax." She hates the way her voice breaks on the last word. "You're constantly hurting me and I can't let you do it anymore.. I won't."

Jax's hands cup her face. "We can get through this babe. All of the shit that has happened, we can work it out. You just have to meet me halfway here Tara."

They stare at one another. For a moment she is tempted to say yes, that maybe she can forget what he did and maybe he can forget what she did. Because despite everything she still loves him. But there will always be one thing standing between them.

"You're never going to leave Charming, are you?" she asks, already knowing the answer but dreading hearing it spoken out loud.

Jax stares at her, as if begging her to understand but she can't. How can he want their babies to grow up with so much death and violence in their lives? He looks away from her, and says, "I can't leave yet, Tara."

She blinks away the tears that threaten to fall. It's all suddenly becoming so real. She thought that she'd prepared herself for this, the end of their marriage, but now that the moment has come, she doesn't know if she can survive this.

Swallowing painfully, Tara blinks back her tears and steps away from him. "You want to know what I want?" she asks softly. "I want you to keep your promises. I want to watch the boys grow up happily. I want to live in a safe place with my family. I want to grow old with you." She waits until he looks back at her when she tells him, "But most of all I want my husband back."

Jax's face falls and he's reaching out for her. "Tara-"

She takes a step back. "I think that it's best if you leave now, Jackson." Tara closes the door in face, and this time he does not bother to stop her.


	3. Chapter 3

After that night he doesn't bother to come home. The next two months are spent in a frosty silence that neither know how to break. They barely speak, only to say a few words to one another when he picks up the boys and drops them off. The forced politeness between them drives her crazy, and each time she is forced to to be in his presence, she has to remind herself that it is only temporary. Those few minutes between them where he stands in their living room like a complete stranger and gives his entire attention to his sons is all she gets and she hates every moment of it. This was her choice, and though it is like a knife to the gut every time he stares at her in cold indifference, it is a choice that she still stands by. A prospect still follows her. "For your own protection," Jax had grumbled at her when she had growled down the phone at him when she saw a baby faced biker camped out on her driveway. Frustration burns under her skin at his audacity, but she accepts her new shadow with a furious silence and angry glares directed at her prison warden every time he follows in her wake.

It's not until weeks later when she's at the grocery store and placing Thomas in the shopping cart that she finally snaps when she sees the prospect trailing after her like a puppy. It is not a new sight, but all of her frustration at herself and Jax and the entire fucked up situation that she has found herself in reaches a new height and she's turning on him.

"Is it really necessary for you to follow me around when I am buying groceries?" Tara snaps at the unsuspecting boy. He reels back in surprise, his green eyes widening nervously at being spoken to directly for the first time in weeks. She feels the eyes of curious shoppers on them but she pays them no heed. 

"J-Jax said to go wherever you go m'am. He said-"

"My husband can go and drive himself off a bridge as far as I'm concerned, what he's ordering his prospects to do is of no concern to me. But sweetie, we both know that you won't be able to stop me if I decide to make a run for it with my sons. I bet that I know how to shoot that gun that you're carrying with far more skill. Make sure that you tell my husband that."

Tara turns on her heel and vows to ignore the boy. She focuses her attention on the mundane task of picking out food and trying to distract Thomas who finds it hilarious to chuck things into the cart every time she turns away. His thieving tendencies at such a young age should concern her because of who is father is, but the smile he gives her every time she catches his tiny hands reaching for the shelves has her smiling grudgingly right along with him. 

It's not until his tiny hands are clutching a box of tampons and laughing wildly as she raises her eyebrows at him that she realizes that something is wrong. She quickly does the math and her heart drops to her stomach.

She's late. Very late. 

_No. Not now._

"Is everything okay, Mrs Teller?" the prospect asks nervously, snapping her out of her thoughts. Tara turns to glare at him because seriously, the baby faced biker decides to break his silence now?

"It's Dr Knowles," she spits at him harshly, still reeling from her revelation and being called Mrs Teller. The flush that rises on his cheeks makes her feel guilty, but she rationalizes that if he wants to start hanging around with bikers, then he had better grow a thicker skin if he can't even handle a hormonal possibly pregnant lady.

Thomas giggles happily in the baby chair. With Abel at preschool, and her counselling sessions at the hospital cut back, she had taken to bringing Thomas with her almost everywhere she went. After weeks of nightmares of Jax and Gemma taking her boys from her, she can't stand to have them far from her sight. Tara picks Thomas up and clutches him to her chest. For his sake, she makes an effort to soften her voice. "I'm fine, thank you.."

"Oliver. My names Oliver, Dr Knowles." He smiles nervously at her, reminding her of a labrador desperate to please his mistress. She feels her face softening and wonders why this polite young man would ever want to get mixed up in SAMCRO. He glances down at the box of tampons she's still clutching and flushes. "Do you want me to call Jax?"

"No. I'm fine."

She ignores the doubtful look on his face and drops the tampons into the cart. She also drops in a pregnancy test and if the prospect notices, then he doesn't comment on it. She ignores him for the rest of the day and concentrates on Thomas. She takes him to the park, she feeds the ducks as he squeals in delight. The prospect keeps his distance and she tries to ignore the phone calls he receives every hour for an update of where she is and what she is doing.

She picks up Abel from preschool, talks to his teacher about how well he's settling in. She takes him out for ice cream on the way home. Thomas is happily sleeping away tucked up against her as Abel devours his chocolate sundae. She's too nervous to eat personally, but she lets the little boy enjoy himself. "When can I see daddy?" Abel asks, his mouth covered in chocolate ice cream.

Tara forces a smile and tries to quell the guilt she feels for her children not seeing their father everyday. "Well, how about I ask if he can see you tonight? Would you like that little man?" Abel smiles and nods happily. Tara's smile is real this time as she quickly grabs her phone and takes a picture of a smiling Abel covered in chocolate ice cream. She looks at her boys, Thomas her own flesh and blood, and Abel, who was just as much her son despite the fact she did not give birth to him.

She ignores the nervous flutter in the stomach at the thought of having another baby. Because despite the fact that everything is wrong right now and she can just about protect the children she already has, a small, pathetic part of her wants nothing more than to give Jackson the baby girl they had discussed months ago.

She calls Jax and asks if he wants to see the boys before bedtime, and though their conversation is stunted, it warms her heart when he readily agrees. When she pulls into the clubhouse that is being slowly rebuilt, he's already sitting at the picnic table. Abel unfastens his seatbelt and shoots out the door as soon as the car's stopped. His little legs run to his father and he's squealing in delight when Jax lifts him in the air and swings him around. "Hey buddy," she can hear Jax saying as she picks up a still sleeping Thomas in his baby carrier. "How was school?"

Abel chatters happily away and if Jax can keep up with everything he's saying, then she's surprised. He's too absorbed in Abel to notice her scrutiny. She can't help but notice the similarities between father and son, more so than with Thomas. Abel looks just like his father, and in her darkest moments, she is glad that there is nothing of Wendy in him.

The sight warms her heart, because even though Jackson Teller is a shitty husband, he is still a good father.

"Hey," she interrupts when Abel finally takes a breath after telling his father about his school day. "Abel wanted to see you. Are you okay with them for a couple of hours?"

"Of course," he says, careful not to look at her. He puts Abel down and takes Thomas from her, his hands careful not to touch her. He looks up at her then, and those gorgeous blue eyes look at her a little hopefully. "You know you can stay too, if you want," he says quietly.

Part of her wants to say yes so that the boys can see them together after so much change, but the pregnancy test is currently burning a hole in her bag and she just needs to get this over with. "I have to go to St Thomas," she lies and then immediately wants to take it back. Jax knows as well as she does that she only goes to the hospital a few days a week to give counselling sessions and for physio therapy for her hand.

He frowns slightly. "Are you okay?"

_If only you knew baby._

"I'm just giving a consult on an old patient. I won't be too long."

"Right." He doesn't believe a word of her lie, but all he does is look at her in amusement and says, "Hey, can you not threaten my prospects? It kind of makes us look bad if my Old Lady goes around scaring potential members."

Tara smiles grudgingly. "I didn't threaten him-"

"Really?" Jax steps closer to her, and leans down and says, "They're more scared of you than of me. You're making me look bad."

She lets out a surprised laugh and just for a moment she forgets about how fucked up they are right now, and allows herself to enjoy the moment with her boys. She's missed this, more than she thought was possible.

The image of a blonde haired little girl with blue eyes flashes before her eyes and suddenly she has to know. She has to know if she's carrying this man's baby.

"I have to go. I'll be back in a few hours." Her voice sounds strange to her own ears, but Jax doesn't comment on it.

He nods, a small, hopeful smile forming on his lips. "See you later then."

"Bye mommy," Abel cries out, waving at her happily as he grabs Jax's free hand and tugs him along. Tara waves back, and jumps into her car and drives back home as fast as the speed limit allowed. She briefly notices that the prospect isn't following her but her new sense of freedom vanishes the moment she is pulling into the house and clutching the pregnancy test with shaking hands.

She pees on the stick.

She paces the kitchen for two minutes.

She jumps when the timer on her phone goes off.

She looks at the test.

"Shit," she breathes out shakily.

First all of the shit with Kohn, Abel's kidnapping, and now this. Her traitorous body seems to make a baby at the most inopportune moments.

\--

She pulls into the clubhouse and tries to think of anything but the fetus inside of her. She feels ridiculously nervous and unprepared to face Jax, as if one look at her he will be able to tell that she's carrying his child.

Just the thought of it makes her want to puke.

They're sitting at the picnic table when she arrives. Abel's coloring away and she hopes to God that means that he's going to be sleepy by the time they get home. Jax is sitting next to him and making faces at a giggling Thomas as he bounces him in his lap. Her heart breaks at the sight and she wants nothing more than to go and join them. She wants to wrap her arms around him and press a kiss to his lips. But no matter how much she wants it, she just can't bring herself to do it.

"Mommy!" Abel squeals and waves her over excitedly. Thomas barely notices her, never taking his eyes off of Jax. He tugs on his beard and shrieks with laughter.

"Hey baby. Are you ready to go?" Abel nods and he quickly stuffs his things in his backpack.

"I'll see you soon, buddy," Jax says as he hugs Abel to him. He passes Thomas over to her after he presses a gentle kiss to his head. She's careful not to look at him the whole time. She's putting the boys in the car when she feels his presence behind her.

She turns to him, and she notices him eyeing her shaking hands. Tara swallows tightly and wills herself to keep it together. It's been months since she made the decision to leave him, and yet despite everything she has done to cut him out of her life, she still gets drawn back to him.

"Tara are you okay?" he calls after her. She can see the worry in his eyes and suddenly she snaps because if it wasn't for him, none of this would be happening. If they had just left Charming when he had said they would, then she would be happily telling him that he was going to be a father for the third time, not feeling sick to the stomach about having to tell him.

She's mad at herself, for not getting over him and for being reckless enough to fall back into bed with him, all the while knowing that it wasn't going to end well. She's furious with him for choosing his club over his family, for constantly hurting her and breaking his promises and for making her love him despite it all.

But mostly she mad at herself for ending up pregnant once again and allowing another child to be exposed to their fucked up relationship and this dangerous life. 

It's too much.

"I'm fine," Tara replies stiffly. 

"Really? Maybe you should let me drive you-"

"I said that I'm fine. My well-being is none of your concern anymore." She climbs into the car before he can respond, but she doesn't miss the flash of anger across his face before the emotionless mask slips into place. She wants to apologize, but the words are stuck in her throat. All of her frustration and anger towards him and herself forces her to keep her mouth shut.

Tears sting the back of her eyes as she drives off, knowing that any progress they had just made hours before has disappeared.

\--

She avoids him for a week, barely speaking a word to him when he picks up the boys. From the cold glances and the cold words, she figures that he's still mad. The guilt she feels overwhelms her, but she does not offer an apology. She avoids him so she can come to terms with her pregnancy, and to make a plan. 

But mostly, it takes her a week to finally work up the nerve to tall him.

It takes all of her courage to pick up the phone and call him. It's the first time she calls him about something other than the boys.

"Yeah?" he grounds out in that frustrated monotone that he saves just for her.

She swallows her nerves and tries to adopt the same tone. She suspects that it doesn't have the same effect on him as it does on her. "I need to talk to you."

"Then talk."

"In person," she hisses down the phone. She can picture the expression on his face, that blank indifferent expression that he now wears in her presence and it makes her blood boil and her heart ache. There had once been a time where he had hid nothing from her, especially not his feelings. "It's important Jax."

He sighs impatiently. "Look Tara, I'm busy. Can't this wait for a day or two-"

_"I'm pregnant."_

She's almost enjoys the stunned silence on the other end of the line. And then she remembers how fucked up this whole situation is and feels foolish. Tara sighs and says in her gentlest voice that she saves for the boys, "Jax say-"

He cuts her off. "I'll be there in ten," he grounds out and hangs up on her.

Charming.

\--

It's the longest ten minutes of her life. She sits at the table staring at the clock and when she finally hears his Dyna, she quickly grabs a medical journal and tries to look absorbed in it and not like she's been worry about him or this pregnancy for the last ten minutes. He strides into the house as if he still sleeps there every night, but it's the first time in weeks that he's come in other than to pick the boys up.

She waits impatiently and has to resist tapping her foot on the floor. Because she is so scared right now and she doesn't know what to do or what's going to happen and she wants nothing more than for him to put his arms around her and tell her it's going to be okay. But let's face it, there's more chance of Gemma hugging her than Jax even laying a finger on her right now.

But she hides everything that she is feeling, because she can't let him see how vulnerable she is right now.

So engrossed in her thoughts, Tara almost flinches in surprise when the chair opposite her drags across the floor and then Jax is suddenly sitting there in front of her, staring at her intensely and that fucking emotionless mask is once again in place. The small part of her that still hates him rises and she clenches her fists to quell the urge to wipe that look off his face.

Tara sits in stubborn silence, waiting for him to make a move. He doesn't say anything for a while, he just sits there staring her in the eye until he finally reaches into his pocket and pulls out a brown paper bag and tosses it in front of her.

She reaches for it, already knowing what is inside and she feels her cheeks flame in anger. "Are you serious?" Tara demands, pulling out the pregnancy test and dropping it in disgust.

"As a heart attack."

Tears cloud her vision for a moment and she shoves away from the table. "How dare you! For you to even accuse me-"

"Tara," he interrupts, his voice strained. "Can you blame me?"

She wants to rage at him. She wants to chuck the stupid test in his stupid face, but then she sees the look in his eyes and she knows that he's almost at his breaking point. Breathing out slowly, Tara lets go of her anger and tries to push away her shame. "No, I guess I can't blame you," she mumbles. She grabs the test and makes her way to the bathroom, but when she hears the chair scraping back she turns and almost collides with Jax. "Where do you think you're going?" she asks coolly, all the while thinking that this is the closest she has been to him in weeks.

He looks confused. "To the bathroom," he says, like it's a perfect explanation. "To watch you take the test," as if he needed to explain things further.

"You are not watching me Jax." Tara takes a step back into the bathroom and tries to close the door, but a stubborn hand prevents her.

"Why not?" Jax asks, and if she didn't know any better, she could have sworn that his mouth twitched into a smile before the mask was firmly back in place.

"You're not going to watch me pee Jax!" she says firmly, trying to push the door shut with all of her strength but it doesn't even budge an inch against his bulk.

"You're being ridiculous," he grounds out, but there's definitely a little smirk on his lips and Tara's heart flutters stupidly in her chest.

"No I'm not!"

"You've seen me piss lots of times."

"That is completely different!"

"How is it?"

"It just is!"

"I've seen every inch of your body. I've tasted every inch of your skin Tara. It doesn't make a difference to see you take a piss in front of me babe."

They both freeze at the natural term of endearment that rolls off his tongue. They stare at one another for a long moment, and she can almost taste the tension between them on her tongue and she's about to open her mouth to say something, anything but then the moment is gone and he's backing away, the cold mask is back in place. "Jax," she whispers, but he is already gone. Tara squeezes her eyes shut and bites down on her lip to prevent the sob that is rising in her throat.

How can she bring a baby into this?

\--

She pees on the stick.

She shows him the test.

He stares at it for five minutes in silence.

"Fuck," Jax hisses out between his teeth.

"My sentiments exactly," Tara manages to get out, but she can't help the stab of pain in her heart. Did he really think that she would lie about this now? He doesn't look at her, just continues to look at the test in silence.

"I'm keeping it. You don't have to be involved with the pregnancy. I've done it alone before, I can do it again." She tries not to notice the way he flinches at the reminder that he missed her first pregnancy because of time he was doing for the club. But it's true, no matter how both of them had wished that he was there with her. She went through peeing on a stick to cradling their newborn son without him. She doesn't want to do it again, but she will. "I'm fine on my own."

"Right," he mumbles, not even looking at her.

She tries to keep the tears at bay, because she had been hoping for more of a fight from him. Just the thought of having to do this all alone whilst caring for two children under the age of five tires her. She had thought that the next time that they had a baby he would have been by her side.

She's alone _again._

"You should go, I'm tired." She's proud that her voice only cracks slightly at the end, but it's enough for him to look up at her.

The devastation must be clear on her face because his face softens and just for a moment he is her Jax again. The one who loved her and their little family above anything else and who put her before the club and guns and money. He's reaching for her and whispering her name and then the spell is broken and once again he is the monster who destroyed them.

She flinches away from him and whispers, "Please just go." She doesn't wipe away the tears that fall. She needs him to see just how damaged she really is because she can't take this anymore. She needs him. She needs distance. She just needs everything to stop hurting.

She doesn't look at him as he swears under his breath and stomps out the house, slamming the door shut behind him. She doesn't break down until the bike takes off down the street.

She doesn't need him. She's fine on her own.

(She needs him more than she needs air to breathe)


	4. Chapter 4

She's just about to get in her car when she hears the voice. "Heard that you've got a baby on the way. This one actually exists right?"

Tara tenses but doesn't rise to the bait. After another useless doctor appointment about her hand, she is in no mood to deal with Gemma's shit. She turns around and raises her eyebrow at her mother-in-law. "Gemma." She spares a glance and a nod at Rat and briefly wonders why she's at the hospital before remembering that she no longer has to give a shit about her crazy mother-in-law. Rat looks surprised by Gemma's impromptu announcement and she knows that the news of her pregnancy is going to be spread around the Clubhouse within hours.

Gemma, looking extremely proud of herself glances at Rat and says, "Give us a minute." He looks between them in concern but skulks off to the main entrance and pulls out a cigarette, though is gaze remains firmly locked on them.

"Did he actually see the test this time, or is he taking your word for it?"

"Stay out of my business, Gemma."

"This is my business. This is my family-"

"No it's my family! My sons. My husband. Our baby. Stay the hell away from me." Tara turns to leave but Gemma's words stop her.

"I'm just surprised that Jax wants anything to do with you. Then again, he has been visiting a certain Madame quite regularly the past few weeks." Tara flinches and the image of the pretty blonde's face comes to mind. Gemma's smile is poisonous, her eyes gleeful. "He doesn't want you anymore, sweetheart. Especially after your last fake pregnancy, framing me, trying to divorce him, but worst of all trying to take his kids away from him. I'm just glad that my son is coming to his senses, getting away from you. From what I'm hearing about Colette, my son has already found your new replacement. I'm sure Abel will be calling her Mommy by the end of the year-"

Tara snaps and before she can stop herself, her fist is clocking Gemma in the nose. The sickening crunch is like music to her ears. Gemma shrieks, her hands flying to her face and coming away bloody. Her eyes flick up to Tara's as she hisses, "How dare you? Abel is mine. I am his mother. Not Wendy, not the latest skank Jax sticks his dick into. And most certainly not you. What's going on between me and Jax is between us. Stay away from me. Better yet stay away from my children."

Gemma stands to her full height and though there's a steady flow of blood pouring from her nose she still looks formidable. She looks every bit the biker queen that she claims to be as her lips curl into a viscous snarl. "Or what? You gonna kill me, doc?"

In the corner of her eye she catches a glimpse of Rat coming towards them. Tara steps closer to Gemma and whispers, "No, I'm not that far gone yet. But, I do have a copy of some letters that I think Jackson would be very interested in reading, especially the ones about his mother."

Gemma reels in shock and it gives Tara a sick satisfaction to finally see the Queen shocked. "You gave them to me-"

"But not before I made copies. Did you really think that I wouldn't have a plan B to get my boys away from you?"

"You fucking-"

"I was trying to get my boys away from you, not Jackson. You've already got Jax under your thumb, my boys are not going to end up there too you toxic bitch." Tara steps back. "Oh, and before you think about trying to kill me to keep me quiet, I have many copies stashed away just waiting to be sent to Jax in the event of my death. This is my final warning, Grandma. You will see my boys when I decide it's okay." Tara touches her still flat stomach. "And this baby will never know her psychotic grandmother," she hisses. "Stay away from my sons."

Sparing a glance at Rat's confused face, Tara smiles sweetly at Gemma. "It was so nice to see you." She gets in her car and drives away without sparing Gemma a glance.

\--

In retrospect she shouldn't be surprised when he shows up at their home, his fist hammering against the door and his eyes ablaze with a fury that makes her stomach numb when she finally lays eyes on him. "You hit my mom?"

Tara swallows painfully but straightens her spine. She closes the door behind her so that they don't wake the boys.

Turning her attention back to Jax, she says calmly, "Gemma came to St Thomas. Gemma started an argument that I tried to walk away from. Yes I hit her and I sure as shit don't owe you an explanation."

"The hell you don't," he seethes.

Tara folds her arms. "Oh? Does that mean I can demand explanations from you then? Tell me, how is Colette these days?" Tara raises an incredulous eyebrow and ignores the way her throat burns when she says the woman's name. "Your mother couldn't wait to reveal how much time the two of you are spending together."

Jax's eyebrows draw together sharply. "I have-"

"Save it. I really don't want to know."

Jax clenches his jaw. The muscles of his throat move as he swallows. He glares at her, eyes narrowed furiously. "The last time you had a fight with my mother, it ended in a fake miscarriage. I'm sure you can understand why I'm concerned."

Tara's breath catches in her throat. Shame claws at her throat, but she still can't bring herself to apologize.

"What do you want Jax?" Tara asks tiredly. "I've had plenty of fights with your mother and you've never intervened before-"

"Do you want a divorce?"

All of her breath leaves her. "What?" she says meaning to sound cold and detached. Unfortunately she can't control the way her voice shakes.

"Do you want to divorce me?"

At a loss for words, Tara remains silent. Her heart is pounding furiously against her chest in panic because she could honestly say she hadn't seen this coming.

Jax laughs sardonically, his mouth twisting into a snarl. "That's what you wanted wasn't it? You wanted to take the boys and leave Charming. Leave me."

She clenches her jaw, forcing herself not to answer. It's the truth, at least in part. That's exactly what she had planned on doing, but it was never what she wanted. 

"So what's stopping you? Is it the baby? 'Cause you've made it clear that you don't want me involved-"

"That is not true!" Tara interrupts furiously. Her voice raises in agitation as she steps closer to him. She's pretty sure that she can see a curtain twitching in the house across the street and wonders when the hell her neighbors decided to get nosy. "Do you really think that I'd keep the baby away from you?" she hisses incredulously.

"Why not? You've tried to take the boys from me."

Tara clenches her jaw. "I was trying to protect them! You might want to stay here but they don't have to. We've been through this. I don't want to have the same argument again Jackson. It's been two months and I'm still here. You've even had me followed. What else do I have to do to prove to you that I'm not going anywhere?"

"What? Now that you're pregnant you don't want to run anymore? If you want to go so much then get rid of it-"

She slaps him.

The sting of her hand has nothing to do with the tears that prick her eyes. "How can you even say that?" she whispers.

He doesn't reply. His face is unreadable but she see's the slight regret in his eyes.

"I'm done," she says brokenly. Tara turns back to the house.

"Do you know why I slept with Colette?"

She pauses by the door. "Fuck you Jax."

"The first time, I was lonely. You were inside and wouldn't let me visit. Thought that you blamed me. And then there was this woman who wanted me, she wanted to take care of me-"

She doesn't want to hear this. She had suspected that Jax had been with the pretty blonde before, but to have it confirmed tore her apart all over again. Tara slowly turns around. "Are you seriously saying that it's my fault you slept with another woman?"

"She was there Tara. That was it."

"And the second? Did you trip and your dick just happened to fall inside her?"

Jax looks her dead in the eye and says, "I wanted to hurt you."

"Well congratulations baby. You hurt me." Tara brushes away her tears. "You know, you've always loved the fact that since we were fourteen, women have been lining up to fuck you. When I came back, I dealt with it because I never actually thought that you would pay attention to the porn stars and prostitutes, not when you claimed that I was the only one you wanted." Tara smiled bitterly. "More fool me right?"

She goes into the house and pretends that she doesn't hear him calling her name.

\--

Oliver is sitting outside of her house when she's loading the boys into her car. After weeks of him following her around, she's become accustomed to his presence. She waves happily to him as she straps Thomas into his car seat. She drops Abel off at school and drives over to St Thomas. Thomas cooes happily at her when she picks him up, happy to be out of his car seat. Noticing the shadow looming over them, Tara turns to Oliver and raises an eyebrow in question.

"Is everything okay, Dr Knowles?" he asks hesitantly. Even though he's been following her for weeks, he's still nervous around her. "You don't normally work Tuesdays."

Tara smiles reassuringly at him. "Everything's fine. I've got my scan today, that's all."

"Oh, well.. Congratulations, I guess." Oliver scratches the back of his neck awkwardly. "Does Jax know?"

Tara's blood runs cold at the mention of her husband. Their fight from last night is at the forefront of her mind, but she pushes it away determinedly. Nobody was going to ruin this moment for her. Not even Jackson Teller.

"No, he doesn't," she replies coldly.

Tara turns on her heel and just as she's going through the main entrance, she turns and sees Oliver flipping his phone open and dialing a number.

She drops Thomas off at daycare, checks in with the receptionist and counts down the seconds.

And sure enough, not ten minutes later Jax is bursting through the waiting room and asking the receptionist if his wife's here. She wants the ground to swallow her up when his worried eyes land on her.

"Why didn't you tell me?" he hisses under his breath when he takes a seat next to her.

"Because we're fighting. In fact I don't even want to talk to you right now."

"Tough," he whispers. "I had to find out from the damned prospect that my wife has gone for our baby's scan. I've told you, I want to be involved with this shit." Jax shifts awkwardly on the uncomfortable faux leather seats, his eyes darting around the waiting room filled with pregnant women and uncomfortable men as if he's expecting a Mayan to jump out and whip his gun out.

Tara bites the inside of her cheek to keep herself from smiling at his discomfort. "The prospect's called Oliver. It wouldn't kill you to learn his name."

"And it wouldn't kill you to pick up the damn phone and tell me about doctors appointments," he snaps back.

Tara pushes back her guilt. "I didn't think that you'd be interested."

"Yeah, well I am-"

"Dr Knowles?" a young nurse calls out nervously. She glances at Jax longer than necessary and blushes when Tara raises an eyebrow at her. "D-Dr Cooper will see you now." The nurse scarpers away, and she doesn't have to turn around to see Jax's smirk.

"Can you turn the charm off long enough to get this scan over with? I'm sure the nurse will let you into her panties later," Tara mutters bitterly before pushing past him and stalking down the hall.

\--

The cold gel against her stomach makes her tense for a moment. She does her best to ignore Jax hovering by her head and instead tries to focus on Dr Cooper. Dr Cooper is a kind but stern woman in her late fifties who delivered Thomas. There was never a doubt in her mind that she wanted Dr Cooper to be her doctor during her second pregnancy.

"Are you okay?" Jax asks anxiously when he notices her tense. She bites back a smile as his eyes linger on the gynecology tools that linger on a tray next to the doctor and bites her lip to stop her laughter at the memory of the terrified expression on his face when she had her vaginal exam.

"She's fine, Mr Teller. The gel's a little cold is all." The wand moves over her bare stomach. Tara's eyes never leave the screen the moment she spots the little blob on the screen. She can hear Dr Cooper explaining everything to Jax, but all of her attention is fixed on the black, white and grey image in front of her. Her heart quickens in her chest when she realizes that this is real.

They're going to have another baby.

Tara blinks sharply and pretends that her eyes aren't suspiciously damp when Jax leans closer to the machine exclaiming, "I can't see it, Doc."

"Here, see?" Tara says softly. She pulls the ultrasound machine closer to them and points on the screen.

"Oh," Jax says. "Oh."

She smiles at the wonder in his voice. He never got this with Thomas. The one ultrasound that he could attend was filled with a nervous dread in case she had miscarried when she was tied to a post in Salazar's aunt's house. The smile on his face is gentle and filled with awe. Her fingers twitch with the urge to reach for him.

"It kind of looks like a bean."

"No it doesn't!"

Dr Cooper laughs as she removes the wand and hands Tara some tissue to remove the gel. "I assure you, Mr Teller, it's a baby."

\--

After picking Thomas up from daycare, she is careful not to look at Jax as he walks her back to the car. The smile on her face is hard to wipe away despite her best efforts. There's a small spark of excitement bubbling in her stomach at the idea of having another baby. For the first time in months, there's something in her life to look forward to. Despite the fact that her life is so fucked up right now, this baby is a good thing. The ultrasound picture is tucked safely away in her purse next to a picture of Abel and Thomas, and she can't help but imagine a little girl with blonde curls and blue eyes.

"I didn't mean it," Jax says, breaking her away from her thoughts as soon as they are alone in the parking lot. Tara raises an eyebrow at him. He shifts Thomas in his arms to prevent him from tugging on his beard and looks at her sheepishly. With a rush of shock, she realizes that he's nervous. She has known him all of her life, has loved him for half of it, and she can count the number of times that he's been nervous around her on one hand.

Thomas giggles happily as he tries again to grab Jax's beard. Jax shifts him again and grimaces when Thomas finally manages wrap his tiny fist around his beard. Tara hides a smile. "I didn't mean it, what I said about getting rid of the baby." He almost looks ashamed of himself. "The shit that went on with my mom, I was angry. I know that you wouldn't-"

"No, I wouldn't." She looks at Thomas and feels shame creeping in. She wouldn't do that now, but she was going to before. "I thought about it, with Thomas," she whispers. Jax's eyes darken but he remains quiet. "I was alone and scared. Abel was gone, and I blamed myself. I wasn't ready for a baby, we weren't ready for a baby. And I was pretty sure you hated me then."

Tara runs a hand through Thomas's soft hair and smiles at him when his blue eyes fix on her. "I look at him now and thank the universe that Salazar took me that day." Jax sucks in a sharp breath. Tara looks at him again and smiles bitterly. "It's sick isn't it? That he was the one who made me realize that I wanted to keep him. He was about to kick me in the stomach and I knew then that despite everything, I wanted a family with you and Abel. I can't imagine my life without any of you.

"Maybe it would be easier. I mean, we can barely have a conversation that doesn't end in tears so how are we meant to raise another baby? Maybe it's better if I did terminate the pregnancy. But I won't." Tara takes a deep breath. "I'm done running Jax. I'm not going to take the boys from you, and I'm not going to take this baby from you."

Some of the tension leaves him, and though she still wants out of Charming, she feels as though a weight has been lifted from her shoulders now that she's told him the truth. Jax takes a step closer to her and it takes everything in her not to reach for him. "But where does this leave us, Tara?"

"I don't know," she whispers.

"Do you want to divorce me?" he asks calmly, but his mouth is set in a grim line and she can see the storm brewing behind his eyes.

"I have never wanted to divorce you. It was my only way out-"

"But now?" he interrupts.

Tara is silent for a while, carefully considering her answer. The longer they stand in silence, the tenser Jax becomes.

"No. But I don't see any other way that this can end Jax," she whispers sadly. Tara blinks away her tears, not wanting to cry in front of Thomas.

Jax swallows and she can see him trying to control his anger. "If you think that I'm going to let you divorce me, you have another thing coming babe."

"Jackson-"

He shifts Thomas in his arms again. He's looking at her with a passion in his eyes that has been missing for months. A spark lights in her belly at the sight of him. He takes another step closer with much more confidence this time. "No! Do you honestly think that this is the end of us? We've overcome so much shit Tara, this is just another bump in the road."

"Do you think I want this to be the end?" Tara asks incredulously. "We've hurt each other in the worst possible ways, and I can't ever forget that. How can we come back from that? I love you, so much. But we don't trust each other-"

"I trust you."

Tara rolls her eyes impatiently. "No you don't."

"I trust you," he says with so much confidence that she can almost believe him. "You were protecting the boys. I don't agree with what you did, but I still trust you."

Tara looks at him in disbelief, but the fight suddenly goes out of her. "Maybe you do trust me. But I don't trust you," she says sadly. A tear falls and she wipes it away impatiently. "I'm tired of fucking crying all the time! Please, Jax. I can't talk about this anymore," she says, her voice cracking.

He looks ready to fight her again until Thomas says softly, "Mama?" They both look at their little boy, and Tara's heart breaks. His little face stares at them back and forth, his face twisted in confusion. Tara tries to smile reassuringly at him. Jax sighs and presses a gentle kiss to his soft hair. Jax passes Thomas to her, and before she can step away from him, he presses a tender kiss to her forehead. "We are not over Tara," he says with confidence. "And if you don't want to fight for us, that's fine. But I will always fight for you."


	5. Chapter 5

He lives for the moments that he sees his boys and his girl.

There's an emptiness in his life that surprises him without Tara and the kids. Everyday he spends without them, it's a painful reminder of the ten years he spent without Tara. But this time he can't drown himself in weed, jack and pussy to dull the pain. He may not be the smartest man, but he's beginning to learn from his mistakes.

But this is a mistake that he doesn't know how to fix.

He stares around at his brothers and thinks _what am I still doing here?_ He has saved his club, has saved his brothers. But in order to do so he has lost his family. He's reluctant to admit its because he's scared of the unknown. Tara and his boys would thrive away from Charming. But him? He's an okay mechanic with no other skills. All he knows is outlaw. Since he was five all he wanted was a Harley and a cut.

But now?

All he wants is his family back. He wants to come home to his wife who grows round with his unborn child everyday. He wants to put his sons to bed and be there when they wake up in the morning. He wants to feel his unborn child kick in his wife's belly. He wants to wrap her in his arms and kiss her without her flinching away from his touch.

He stares at his wife and wonders is this his fault? He hardly recognizes her anymore. He loves every part of her, from the sweet girl who still blushes when he winks at her, to the fierce lioness that she becomes when somebody threatens her children.

The memory of her arms wrapped around her stomach as she sat in a pool of blood is an unwelcome one. Thinking that his mother did this to her, to their baby, still guts him. Even now that he knows the truth, the knowledge that he believed his mother capable of doing that still burns through his brain, because he knows in the back of his brain that his mother might just do something like that one day. He knows that Tara did it for the boys and maybe even a little bit for herself. She was protecting their family when she believed that he couldn't, and a twisted part of him loves her for it. To see his girl protecting their babies, it stirs something in his chest.

But what kills him is the knowledge that she didn't believe that he could protect his family. He's fucked up, between fucking Ima and Colette, to choosing the club over his family when they needed him the most. He has broken her trust more than once, but he still struggles with the fact that she couldn't trust him to protect their boys. And that is something he does not know how to forgive.

\--

"Daddy?" Abel says, never looking up from his coloring book.

"Yeah buddy?" Jax says distractedly as he tries to feed Thomas, but the little man won't have any of it and stubbornly refuses to open his mouth no matter how much he pleads him to. Hell, he's even tried airplane sounds, much to the amusement of Chibs and the prospect. He's almost to the point of calling Tara and begging for help but he doesn't want her to think that he's a terrible father for not being able to feed his own damn son.

"When are you coming back home?"

Jax inhales sharply. In truth he's known that the question was bound to pop up sometime, but he still hasn't got an answer for the little boy despite how much he's tried to come up with one over the last three months. His mind comes up blank as he struggles for an answer and tries to imagine what Tara would tell him.

"Not yet buddy," he says vaguely, not wanting to tell the kid that there's more chance that he'll sprout some wings than Tara letting him back into the house anytime soon.

Abel puts down his crayons and looks up at him with eyes that match his own. But the look that he gives him, that's all Tara. "When?" he demands insistently.

Jax sighs. "I don't know, Abel."

"Are you and mommy fighting?"

Jax wonders when the kid got so inquisitive. Giving up on feeding Thomas, he turns to Abel and looks at him with serious eyes. "No, we're not fighting buddy," he says carefully. "Daddy did a silly thing, and it hurt mommy. It's better if I don't live with you guys right now-"

"Did you say sorry?"

"Well yeah, but it's not that simple-"

"Did you mean it? 'Cause mommy says saying sorry isn't good enough if you don't mean it."

Jax bites his tongue. "Of course I meant it. But I don't think saying sorry is enough this time buddy."

Abel blinks up at him and looks up at him as if he's the biggest idiot walking the planet. "Then you should show her, daddy." Abel picks up his crayon and carries on coloring.

Jax can only stare at him in astonishment. He knows he's hit rock bottom when he's getting marriage advice from a five year old.

\--

He pulls into St Thomas and catches her just as she's leaving. She's chatting away to a man in his late forties, all salt and pepper hair and a classic smile. The smile on her face is blinding, and to see it directed at another man makes his blood boil. Then her eyes land on his car and her smile dims a bit. She pats the mystery man's arm and starts walking to the car.

He's out the car and storming over to her before he can stop himself. "Who was that?" he asks, barely containing the jealous rage inside of him.

"Just a colleague," Tara says vaguely.

"Well, you both looked pretty cozy before I got here."

Tara looks at him incredulously. "Are you being serious right now?"

"If you're going to be bringing strange men around my kids I want to know more about them-"

"Jesus Christ Jax!" Looking around the parking lot, she catches the eye of a nurse shooting them a curious look and glares at her until she turns away. "Will you keep your voice down!"

He ignores her. "If you want to start seeing men when you're carrying my baby then you have another thing coming-"

"I would never do that!" she snaps at him. "We're still married Jax. Maybe that doesn't mean anything to you, but it does to me."

He stares at her in silence and his anger starts to fade when he realizes how ridiculous he's being.

"I'm sorry," he mumbles, looking down at the floor.

"Yes, well, you should be."

"It's just that the thought of you with another man, it kills me." And it's true. Even when they were teenagers and she would flirt with some random guy at a party just to piss him off when they were on one of their numerous breaks, he would see red and nothing in the world would be right again until he had her in his arms again. Even now, the thought of another man wrapping his arms around her, kissing her, fucking her, it makes him want to go on a murder spree that Happy would be proud of.

"Well, maybe now you have an idea of how I feel," she says, unable to look him in the eye.

He flinches, but doesn't try to defend himself. They stand in an awkward silence, both unable to meet the other's eye.

"He's a surgeon, and there's a good chance that he can fix my hand. That was all."

Jax looks at her then, and he sees a spark in her eye that has been missing for a long time. He shoves away the guilt and smiles at her. "That's great Tara, really."

The small smile she rewards him with makes his heart beat faster. "Yeah. Of course I wouldn't have the surgery until way after the baby's born, but just knowing that there's some hope that I can operate again-" He hugs her. He just can't fucking help himself and he knows that it's probably a bad idea but he's so happy for her.

She stands still. He realizes what a fucking idiot he's being. This is the first time they've touched since they slept together and quite frankly he's surprised that she hasn't smacked him one yet. But then she's hugging him back and when he feels her body pressed up against his it takes all of the self control he possesses not to press his lips to hers. He's starting to think that this definitely is a bad idea when he feels his dick stir but decides that since she hasn't decked him yet he wise well see how far he can push his luck. He pulls her tighter against his body and his only thought is, _fuck me_.

Her breasts, which have gone up at least a cup size in his opinion, are pressed up against his chest and her normally toned stomach is ever so slightly pressing into his belly and he realizes with a surprise that she's beginning to show. His heart breaks a little because he knows that there's a very big chance that he's going to miss this again. When he'd been locked up, every week she visited he would greedily look over her body and study the changes to the body that he knows better than his own. He never got to feel his unborn child kick, he didn't get to see Tara's body changing everyday, he missed all of the doctors appointments, and he didn't get to see any of his children born.

And with the ways things are right now, he's pretty certain that it isn't going to happen with this baby either.

Jax pushes away his bitterness. He made a promise to her when Thomas was born that he would never miss anything like this again, and it's a promise that he's determined to keep even if she doesn't want him around. Because he isn't going anywhere. She can push him away, and she can try and run from him, but he will never miss a thing concerning his kids.

And if she will let him, then he will be around for her too.

"I'm so happy for you Tara," he whispers into her ear. And he really is. He knows that if it wasn't for him and his bullshit, Clay Morrow would never have put a hit out on his girl and she would still be saving babies lives.

"Thank you," she whispers back.

He pulls away from her and smiles softly. "I should go. The boys have been fed and-"

"Actually there's something I wanted to talk to you about." Tara tucks her hair behind her ear nervously, and despite himself his curiosity is peaked.

"What is it?"

"Well, I've been thinking. With us having another baby, I think I need to find a new house that's big enough for all of the kids. I mean, I know it's years away, but I doubt that Thomas and Abel are going to want to share a room when they're older. And with the baby, we're going to need at least another room-"

"Okay."

Tara looks at him in confusion. "Okay? That's it?"

"Well, yeah. Of course we're going to need a new house once the baby comes. The kid need's it's own room. It's not like it can sleep in the bathroom right?"

Tara smiles widely. "Right. I'll start looking into some houses. Three bedrooms or four?"

"Four," he replies without hesitation.

"Won't that be a little pricey? I'm not earning at much now, with me only counseling-"

"Money isn't an issue Tara." He takes a step closer to her. "If you want a mansion, then I will get you one."

Tara looks at him intensely, and not for the first time Jax wishes that he could tell what she was thinking. "I've never wanted your money, Jackson."

"I know," he says simply. "But my family deserves the best."

She stares at him with unreadable eyes and he's beginning to wonder maybe he shouldn't have said that, but Abel's insistent knocking on the car window saves them both from what was becoming an awkward silence.

They both turn to see the little boy grinning brightly and once he see's that he's got his mom's attention, Abel waves happily and shouts, "Hi mommy!"

Tara waves at him and turns back to Jax. "I should get them home," she says, staring up at him with big green eyes.

Disappointment fills his stomach. "Yeah, they should be pretty tired by now-"

"Do you want to put them to bed? I'm sure that they would love it if you were there to tuck them in."

The grin that spreads across Jax's face is answer enough.

\--

He arrives back at TM with a lighter heart and the first stirring of hope in his chest. He nods at Unser as the old man makes his way to his trailer. Hell, he even smiles at a prospect, that's how happy he is in that moment.

His good mood is shattered the moment he see's Gemma storming out of the office and heading straight towards him. "How's the good doctor doing? She faked any miscarriages yet?"

Anger rumbles deep in his chest. He carries on walking and tosses over his shoulder, "Leave Tara be, okay mom? She doesn't need your shit right now."

"I'm trying to protect you, baby. Maybe it's time to call it a day. It's been three months Jax. Maybe a divorce is the best thing for everyone-"

"Don't go there mom. I am not going to divorce her."

Gemma tugs on his arm until he stops. "She tried to take your boys away from you! She was going to leave Charming, leave you! Why can't you see that she's all wrong for you-"

"Back off mom."

"You can get custody of the boys," she continues. Jax snorts at the thought. There is not a judge in the country that would give him custody of the boys over Tara. "It will be just like what happened with Wendy. We can take the boys-"

"Who do you think you're talking to?" Jax snaps, finally reaching boiling point. "What goes on in my marriage is between me and Tara. Thomas and Abel need a stable home. They need their mom and dad to live together. And this new baby needs parents who can have a conversation without fighting. I'm not staying with her because of the kids. I'm staying with her because I love her. This is your last warning, mom. Stay out of my business.

"You're my mother. You should want me to be happy and Tara makes me happy." Jax sighs unhappily. "I love you mom. But if you try to make me choose between you and my wife, I will choose Tara without a second thought." His mother's tear filled eyes stare up at him, but he squashes down his guilt. This shit about Tara needs to stop. He walks away from her without another glance.

\--

As the weeks pass, Tara starts to let her guard down. People begin to see her as Doctor Knowles again, not the old lady who was an accessory to murder. The need to keep a gun in her bag starts to fade. When she goes to buy groceries, she is no longer looking over her shoulder for the latest threat. No, over those weeks, Charming becomes a safe place again.

There's a small nagging voice in the back of her head wondering if Jax was right all along that can't be ignored. 

Maybe if she had trusted him from the beginning, then she would have seen that he made good on his promise to get out of guns, to change the club, to make Charming a safe place for their family.

Then she remembers the fake baby, the divorce, Gemma, Wendy, Colette, and she realizes that it doesn't matter if Charming is safe. Their family has already been torn apart.

It's only late at night she admits to herself that she played a big part in destroying them.

She misses him.

She lies awake half the night alone in their bed cursing him for not being there with her, to hold her, to stroke her, to fuck her. Her breasts ache and her cunt is constantly damp when she thinks of him. Of his hands touching her naked skin, his mouth against her neck, his beard grazing the sensitive skin of her thighs, his cock stretching her needy cunt. She rubs herself raw thinking of nothing but his skilled fingers and his talented tongue. She wants him. She _needs him._

But it's not just the sex. She misses the man who she has spent half of her life loving. The man who would put her before everything, the man who protected her no matter the cost, the man who simply held her in his arms at night when he was just her husband, not the leader of an MC.

She hates him.

(She loves him.)


	6. Chapter 6

She's just parking the car when she sees Abel talking to a woman she assumes is his teacher. She doesn't pay it much thought, her mind already occupied with the house that she'd already seen. A beautiful four bedroom house with two bathrooms that was a little pricey, and despite Jax's reassurances that money isn't an issue, she just can't bring herself to use his money. At seventeen weeks pregnant, she's pretty exhausted at this time in the day and looking after two kids under the age of five didn't help matters. The dark circles under her eyes seem to be a permanent addition to her face and her new best friend is concealer.

It's not until Abel's shouting, "Mommy!" that she notices the teacher freeze and turns to look at her with wide eyes. Tara freezes as her eyes connect with Wendy's, and it takes all of her self control to keep her mouth shut. Abel runs to her and wraps his arms around her legs. She runs a hand through his soft hair as she narrows her eyes at the woman across from her. Her hands tremble from the urge to clock the pathetic junkie in the jaw, but even she won't start something with Jax's ex-wife in a school playground, especially in front of Abel.

"Come on, little man. We've got to go get Thomas." She doesn't acknowledge Wendy. She grabs Abel's hand and leads him to the car. Wendy follows her, her eyes burning a hole into her back. As soon as she shuts Abel's door, she turns back to Wendy and hisses, "What the fuck do you think you're doing?"

Wendy flinches. Just looking at Wendy makes her suddenly feel grateful that she still takes the time to make herself look good despite her hectic schedule. Tara notices her unwashed hair and dirty jeans and she knows instantly that she's using again. How did she ever think that this weak woman could ever help her children? She notices her pupils next and swears softly. "Are you high right now?"

"I just want to see him-"

"How do you even know where his school is?"

Wendy pales and Tara knows before she even opens her mouth. "Gemma told me. But she doesn't know that I've been coming here-"

"Excuse me?" she interrupts. "You've been here before?" Really, she shouldn't be surprised. Things with Gemma have been surprisingly quiet, and now she realizes that using Wendy has been her plan all along. She knows Gemma, just as Gemma knows her. She knows exactly where to strike to hurt her, and really, she should have seen this coming a mile away. Wendy has always been a sore point for her, one that Gemma knows exactly how to exploit.

Tara takes a step closer to her and clenches her fists in anger. She tries to keep calm, tries to remind herself that this amount of stress is not good for the baby but every second she stands across from this junkie bitch makes her blood boil. She's pretty sure that curious parents are staring at them but she's beyond caring. The only person on her mind is the little boy in the car and he's the only reason she isn't tearing out this bitch's hair.

"I just wanted to look at him. Today was the first time I talked to him, I swear."

"You had the chance to help him, to be a part of his life. You fucked it up. You had the chance to do one good thing for him and you bailed. You chose Gemma and crank over Abel's safety. I will make it my life long mission to make sure you never see him again. You have nobody to blame for this but yourself."

There are tears in Wendy's eyes, but she refuses to feel pity for the woman. "Tara please! I'm sorry! I just want to know my son-"

"He is _my_ son! I was the first person to hold him. I nursed him back to health after the damage _you_ inflicted. I got up in the night to feed him. I took him to his doctors appointments. I taught him how to walk. I taught him how to talk. I took him to his first day of school. He calls _me_ mommy. You will never know him, Wendy."

Wendy stares at her in astonishment, and for the first time she thinks Wendy finally realizes just what little chance she has here.

"I just want a chance-"

"I gave you a chance, and you blew it."

"Gemma said that I can have a part in his life-"

Tara laughs bitterly. "Do you honestly think Gemma gives a shit about you? She's using you to try and get to me. You're a means to an end sweetheart. The only things Gemma cares about are her boys and herself. Besides, Gemma has no say in my sons life. If you want to know Abel, you will have to go through me and Jax, and I can say for the both of us that you have absolutely no chance."

"I-I'll take you to court. I have rights-"

"You gave up your rights to Abel. He is mine. Do you think some bullshit custody threat is going to scare me? I'm a doctor. A fucking surgeon. Do you honestly think that a judge is going to let some junkie who almost killed her child before he even took his first breath, into his life? You want to waste your money on a custody case? Then bring it on darlin'. We both know that you will lose." Tara pauses for effect and leans in closer to Wendy.

"Come near my son again and I will slit your throat."

She doesn't wait for a response. She quickly gets in the car and tries to smile reassuringly at Abel who watches her with curious eyes. Her hands shake as she grasps the steering wheel with sweaty hands. Her heart beats erratically in her chest and there's a dull ache in her stomach. She quickly calls Neeta to tell her that she'll be another hour and then turns to Abel. "Do you want to go see daddy, little man?" Abel nods and smiles widely.

"Who was that lady, mommy?"

"Nobody important, sweetheart."

If only that was true.

\--

The newly restored Teller Morrow garage is quiet when she pulls into the lot and with a sinking heart she notices that his bike isn't there.

Abel is quiet as she takes his hand and leads him inside with hurried steps. The possibilities of what the junkie has said to him has her stomach in knots.

Bobby is leaning against the bar when she enters, going through some papers that she tells herself that she has no interest in. There are a few prospects hanging around, but they turn away when she meets their stares. Bobby looks up at her in surprise when she nervously clears her throat. She hasn't been inside of the clubhouse since it blew up, and she's a little surprised by just how similar it is to the previous one.

"Hey sweetheart. What brings you by?" he asks, his gruff voice surprisingly gentle.

"I need to see him," she says without preamble. Bobby raises an eyebrow in surprise. If she wasn't so shaken by seeing Wendy again, then she would have been surprised too. Not once in the last five months has she admitted that she needs Jax. But this was bigger than the shit between them. This is about their little boy, and no matter what is going on between them, she knows that Jax will never let that woman back into Abel's life.

"He should be back in an hour or so. Do you wanna wait?"

"An hour?" Tara echoes in frustration. She wants nothing more than to deal with this shit and for this crappy day to be over with.

"I want to see Daddy, Mommy," Abel says quietly. Tara looks down at him, and even though the thought of waiting around for Jax makes her want to carve out his eyes and shove them down his throat, she forces a smile on her lips and replies, "He will be here soon baby."

Bobby clears his throat. He looks her over, pauses on her stomach which most people seem to do these days, and then he nods. "I'll give him a call to tell him you're here. Hey Abel. I think that the prospects would really like to play a game with you. Why don't you take them outside and show them your playground?" Bobby flashes an evil grin at the three prospects as Abel's eyes light up in excitement. If she had it in her, she would laugh at the looks on their faces at being at the beck and call of a child. She musters up a small smile for Abel's sake as he rushes out the door and the prospects follow reluctantly.

"Why don't you go lie down sweetheart. You're looking exhausted. I'm guessing that it's tiring growing a person inside of you." She manages a real smile then as her hand flutters to her stomach.

"I'm fine, thank you-"

"You're making me real nervous sweetheart. If something happens to you or the sprog, Jax is gonna flip his shit. So please, for my sake, just go and lie down for a few. Jax's dorm is second on the left."

She has to bite her tongue to stop herself from telling him to mind his own damn business. Instead, Tara gives him a tight smile and heads down the hall. She sighs in defeat, already tired of being treated like a china doll by everyone. She knows they mean well, but being taken care of is something she isn't used to anymore.

Jax's room is familiar, but different. The room is bigger than his previous one, but every item of furniture is a replica of the original room. She looks at the pictures pinned to the wall and blinks away the tears that spring into her eyes. There are ones of him and Opie, Abel, Thomas, and with a jolt of surprise she finds a few of her too. Tara smiles sardonically as she eyes a picture of them as teenagers, so sure of the world and practically royalty to the citizens of this fucked up town. Forcing her eyes away, her eyes linger on the ultrasound picture of their last appointment, and she feels a flutter of joy in her belly.

She lies back in his bed and vows not to fall asleep, but the bed is so soft and his sheets smell of him, all leather, jack and tobacco, and she just can't help herself.

She awakens to fingers running through her hair softly and a voice calling her name. She smiles slightly at the peaceful feeling, but then her eyes snap open. Jax pulls his hand away like he's been electrocuted.

"Sorry," he mutters. "I didn't want to wake you, but Bobby said-"

"Wendy was at Abel's school," she interrupts.

Jax stares at her incredulously. "What?"

Tara sits up and grabs hold of his hand tightly. "Your mom told her where Abel's school is. She was just talking to him, Jax, as if it's an everyday thing! But what if she'd tried to take him? What if she told him the truth? What if she tries again? She's using again, I'm sure of it-"

"Hey," he says softly with a hint of steel in his voice. "Calm down."

"How am I supposed to calm down?" she demands incredulously, her voice raising. "This isn't meant to happen. Do you realize how much money we pay that school? And they apparently let strangers off the street in to talk to kids! That _woman_ is trying to worm her way back into his life after almost killing him!"

"Hey," Jax says sternly. "Wendy isn't going anywhere near Abel. I won't let that happen."

"You can't promise that," she said tearfully. "We can't be with him every moment of the day to make sure that he's safe-"

"Yes I can," he says confidently. "Wendy won't be a problem. I'll handle it."

Tara shakes her head and swallows tightly. "Maybe we should tell him the truth," Tara says hesitantly. She blinks away tears and clears her throat. "I know that he's only five and he probably won't understand, but it's just a matter of time before he finds out from somebody else. Wendy isn't going to go away. I love him so much, but maybe it's best to tell him-"

"We aren't telling Abel anything. Wendy is not going to have a chance to be in Abel's life. Maybe when he's older, we can tell him about her. But right now? He's five years old, he doesn't need to be dealing with a junkie."

She knows it's not as simple as that. Despite being a good father, Jax is never going to understand the bond between a mother and an unborn baby as it grows inside of her. "Wendy isn't going to just give up. She might be on crank again, but she can get clean again. Despite her being useless, she loves him, Jax. If it was me, I would fight to the death to see my son. Wendy wants to be his mother-"

"You are Abel's mother," Jax interrupts gently, his voice sure.

"But-"

"There are no buts. Abel is our son. End of story."

"It's not that simple Jax," Tara says sadly.

Jax tightens his hand around hers. "No matter what happens between us, you will always be Abel's mother."

Tara lets out a shaky breath and feels a rush of relief. There's always been a lingering doubt in the back of her mind that if things went south with Jax, then she would not be allowed access to Abel. And despite not being his biological mother, he was every bit her son as Thomas was. Abel was a part of her, and for Jax to say so meant more than he would ever know.

He looks at her then, really looks at her. Since their hug a few weeks ago, it's the first time in weeks that they have been this close, and his gaze lingers on her like a lion eyeing his prey. She feels a little self conscious under his gaze, but she doesn't turn away from him as he studies the differences in her body. Her hair's a few inches past her shoulders now, her face a little rounder. His eyes flare up as he lingers at her breasts, and though Jax has always been an ass man, she knows that he appreciates the new view. And then his eyes finally land on her protruding stomach and the breath leaves her when she sees the softness in his eyes. Now that she's in her second trimester, she's beginning to show and despite her best efforts, it's becoming more difficult to hide her ever growing stomach.

But by the heated look in her husband's eye, Tara's pretty sure that he thinks it's a good thing.

Being this close to him makes her head spin. She greedily takes in his scent of tobacco and leather. He tucks a strand of hair behind her ear and holds a hand to her cheek, dragging his hand across it. "You look tired."

"I am tired."

"You need to sleep."

She feels a spark of irritation. "I do sleep," she says sharply.

"Then you need to sleep more."

She reminds herself that he's just looking out for her so she bites her tongue on telling him to fuck off. "I know. It's just hard-" _without you there to hold me,_ is what she wants to say. "With the boys. Abel sleeps through the night, but Thomas can scream like a little banshee sometimes-"

"Then I'll take them."

Tara rolls her eyes. "No offence, but the boys really don't need to see the jizz fest that the clubhouse becomes at night."

A smile tugs up the corners of his mouth. "I didn't mean here. I can stay at my moms. I'm sure she won't mind-"

"No."

"Tara-"

"I just told you that she told Wendy about Abel's school and now you want to reward her for it!"

"Did you ever think that if you stopped trying to keep the boys away from her so much then she would leave the shit with Wendy alone?" Tara bites her lip. "Look, I know you don't want her around the boys so much, and that's okay. Maybe some distance is best. But freezing her out completely is just going to result in more of her crazy schemes. It's just one night, and I will be there the whole time. You need to sleep, Tara. Let me help."

Tara sighs in defeat, and even though she won't admit it, she knows that he's right.

"Okay." She pauses as Jax smiles in victory. "You have absolutely no idea what you're in for," she says with a small smile.

Jax's smile widens. "Why's that?"

"Abel's going to be so excited to be spending the night with you, it'll take hours to get him down for bed. And if Thomas gets riled up with him, then you're in for a late night Teller."

"I'm sure I can handle it."

"Good luck with that." Tara's grin widens. "I miss this," she says unexpectedly.

"What do you mean?"

"You know. This. I miss us." She pauses and forces herself to hold his gaze. There are alarm bells going off in her head, and despite how civil they are being she still can't trust him not to hurt her. But she just can't help herself, because he's Jax, the boy who she fell in love with all of those years ago. "I miss you."

Jax's smile fades. He stares at her with an intensity that makes something in her stomach flutter and for an absurd moment she thinks that he's going to kiss her. But she knows that he won't, she's going to have to be the one to take that step, but she just can't bring herself to do it.

Jax smiles sadly and stands. "I should go pick up Thomas."

Jax pauses by the door and turns around. "Tara?" He waits until she meets his gaze before he speaks. "I miss you too." He's out the door before she can respond.

It's in that moment she realizes that maybe they aren't as over as she'd originally thought.


	7. Chapter 7

She wakes at 2:17am with damp thighs and the feeling of dread buried in the pit of her stomach. Turning the lamp on with shaking fingers, her breath catches in her throat when she sees the blood staining her shorts. Her heart sinks. Her hands move subconsciously over her stomach as she feels a light tugging sensation. She has never hated being a doctor until this moment, because every horrible possibility runs through her mind and not one of them has a happy ending.

With trembling hands she reaches for her phone and dials the one person who she needs more than anything without a second thought.

"Yeah?" comes his gruff reply, his voice heavy with sleep.

"Jax," Tara says, her voice trembling.

"Tara? What's wrong?"

"I-I'm bleeding," she manages to get out after several tries. Tears spring to her eyes. She faked a baby and now she's losing one. The irony is not lost on her. Karma is a poisonous bitch. She tries to push the poisonous thoughts away but they don't budge and she can't help but think that maybe losing her husband and breaking up their family wasn't punishment enough, that now she has to lose their baby for real this time.

A sob escapes her throat and she hears Jax's voice in her ear saying, "Tara? I'm coming okay?" She doesn't reply. "Babe, listen to me. It's going to be okay." There's a tremor in his voice and it breaks her broken heart just a little bit more. "I'll be there in a few okay?"

Tara clutches the phone tighter and she wants to beg him to hurry, to stay on the phone with her so she isn't alone but she can already hear him starting the Dyna. "Okay," she whispers into the phone. "Okay."

"It's gonna be okay, babe. I promise."

She wants nothing more than to believe him, but she knows differently.

Wiping her tears with shaking hands, Tara takes a deep breath and tries to calm herself down. If there's any chance for the baby, it has a better chance if she's calm.

She cleans herself up whilst she waits for him. She realizes that she's not bleeding anymore and a flare of hope lights deep in her belly. Thankful that the kids are staying with Gemma, she tries to keep her mind focused on each mundane task but the image of bloodstained sheets haunts her. She quickly strips the bed and puts them straight in the trash. She dresses in yoga pants, slips on some shoes and just as she's about to put on one of Jax's old shirts, she catches her reflection in the mirror and the fragile lock she has on her emotions breaks.

_Please don't take this child away from me._

The shirt falls to the floor unnoticed. Tears slip from her eyes as she rests her hands on her small bump. _Just hold on, please hold on._ Since she had found out that she was pregnant, she has been careful not to think of the future. She has no idea what's in store for her, the boys, Jax, the club, Gemma or the baby girl she allows herself to think about late at night. But from the moment she found out, she has wanted this baby despite how fucked up her life currently is.

She lets herself think of the little girl she has dreamed about having. Blonde hair and blue eyes, or maybe even thick brown curls and green like her own.

She wonders if this is how Jax had felt when he found her sitting in her office with blood on her dress and tears in her eyes. Haunted by everything that could have been. Helpless to do anything to save a fragile life.

She claims to love him, but how can somebody do that to somebody they love, despite the reasons behind it?

She has never been more ashamed of herself than this moment.

He finds her like that eventually, hands on her belly and eyes locked on the mirror. "Tara?"

"I'm sorry," she whispers through numb lips. "I am so sorry Jax."

Familiar hands cover hers as he presses his chest against her back. For the first time in months she allows herself to relax into his touch and greedily accepts the comfort he's offering her. Tara's eyes snap up to his and she's shaken to see his eyes staring back at her gently. He kisses the top of her head and says, "We gotta go babe." He lets her go to pick up her fallen shirt. Never taking his eyes off of her, he pulls the shirt over her head and helps her arms through the sleeves as though she's a child. Jax steps closer to her and wipes the tears from her cheeks. "It's going to be okay," he whispers and then he's holding her hand and leading her to her car. His hands tighten around her waist before he opens the door for her.

She doesn't deserve his reassurances.

It's all her fault. She doesn't deserve to have another baby. Not after everything she has done.

Jax starts the car and pulls out of the driveway. His eyes flicker between her and the road. Tara clasps her hands together tightly.

"There was too much blood," she whispers.

Jax gives her a pained look. "It's going to be fine."

"You don't know that," she says, her voice cracking.

Jax reaches out to her and gently lays his hand on top of hers. "No, I don't. But you're strong Tara. And with parents like us, this baby's strong too. Have a little faith babe."

Tara squeezes her eyes shut and swallows painfully. "Drive faster Jax."

She tunes out his reassurances eventually and she numbs herself to her surroundings. She barely registers Jax parking the car. She pays no mind to the nurse waiting at the entrance for her and Jax telling her what's happened.

 _You deserve this,_ a poisonous voice whispers in her head. She doesn't argue. She looks down at her wedding ring and feels nothing but disgust for herself. How could she have done this to him? And as if it wasn't enough, she had to blame his mother too?

She finally comes back to herself when she's in an exam room and the nurse is saying something about helping her put on a gown.

"Get out," she says, snatching the gown from her. Normally, she would be disgusted with herself for talking to a nurse this way. But when she realizes that it's the same nurse who couldn't keep her eyes off of Jax when they had their first ultrasound, something in her snaps.

The nurse furrows her brow. "Dr Knowles, I'm here to help you-"

"You want to help me? Get the fuck out. If I need you to clean up some vomit I'll give you a call."

Jax sucks in a sharp breath. She hates to be the stereotypical doctor, but right now she really doesn't give a shit.

The nurse shoots her a look filled with loathing, but she leaves.

She pays Jax no mind as she strips off her pants. "That was a little harsh."

She ignores him and chucks the damn gown on the floor.

The door opens just as she's setting herself on the bed and Dr Cooper walks in. She shoots them both a quick, professional smile. "I know that you're both terrified, so let's just get this over with and take a look." She goes through the motions of setting up the ultrasound machine. "Any cramping?"

"Very lightly."

"But you've stopped bleeding now?"

"Yes," she says through numb lips.

"And by now you're seventeen weeks along, correct?"

"Yes."

"Okay," she says, her eyes on the machine. The screen finally settles on an image as Dr Cooper moves the wand across her stomach. She is silent for a moment, and she can't bring herself to look at the screen. The moment she does, she knows that it's going to be over and everything will be lost. They just won't be losing a child, but she's pretty sure that this baby is the only thing that is keeping their marriage going. 

And despite the lies, the violence, the women, crazy mothers and fake babies, she doesn't think she can handle losing him too.

"Your baby is healthy, Dr Knowles." 

The words do not register for a moment, but when they do relief floods through her body and Jax lets out the breath that she's pretty sure he's been holding since he picked up the phone. His hand squeezes hers tightly and he presses a relieved kiss to the side of her head. Tara threads her fingers through his hair and leans into him.

Tara's eyes focus on the ultrasound machine and the image of her baby on the screen is the most precious thing in the world. "Everything's looking good, though the heartbeat is a little fast and your blood pressure is too high but it's nothing to worry about yet. I'll advise Margaret that you won't be working for at least a month." Tara almost opens her mouth to protest, but Jax's fingers tighten around hers in warning and she knows that she's not going to win this one.

Sensing her displeasure, Dr Cooper says, "You need more rest. I know how it is with you surgeons, all control freaks who can't admit to needing a little bit of assistance, but you need to let people help you." Dr Cooper's tone is gentle despite her words. "Stop taking so much on. After that we'll see how you're doing and if your blood pressure is down, we will reevaluate. You need to slow down, Dr Knowles," the elder woman says giving her a stern look. She turns off the ultrasound machines. "I'll give you two a few minutes to yourselves. I will be back to give you a full work up in a little while," Dr Cooper says gently.

Jax stands, though his hand remains firmly in her unrelenting grip. "Hey Doc," he says quietly before she leaves. "Thanks."

Dr Cooper sends them a final reassuring smile and leaves them alone. 

Tara sits up slowly and reaches over for some paper towels to clean herself up with but then Jax is pulling her up and into his strong arms. Tara sucks in a surprised breath and wraps her arms around his waist and leans into him. She buries her face in his shoulder and finally lets herself break down. Jax holds onto her tightly, and she knows that he's just as relieved and upset as she is. He whispers reassurances that the baby is alright, how they're going to get through this and how strong she is, and though she doesn't feel strong right now, she believes every word that he says.

"I'm getting gel all over you," Tara whispers thickly after she has no more tears left. She tilts her head back to look at him, and though his eyes are a little red, and he looks like he hasn't slept in days, she has never been more grateful to have him in her life than this moment.

"I don't care." He presses a kiss to her forehead. "I told you that this kid is strong," he rumbles against her ear. Tara laughs weakly and buries her face into his neck, surrounding herself in his familiar embrace and allows herself just this one moment of peace with the man that she loves.

\--

They drive home in silence. Now that they know that the baby is safe, she's at a loss for words. She will forever be grateful for tonight, the way he soothed her and calmed her, but she can't help but feel awkward around him after letting him see her so vulnerable. The memory of his hands on her swollen belly surfaces and she swallows painfully.

She wants to reach out to him, ask him if he's alright, thank him for being so strong and for taking care of her, but everything that comes to mind to say doesn't seem like enough.

They arrive back home, and he's opening the door for her, careful not to touch her. "Can I get you anything?" he prods gently, as if she is a fragile piece of glass that can shatter at any moment. She shakes her head. "You should go lie down."

"I'm fine," Tara mumbles through numb lips.

"No you're not!" Jax shouts. It's the first time in weeks that he's raised his voice to her and she flinches in surprise. Rubbing at his eyes, he sighs heavily and says more gently, "You're not fine. You almost had a miscarriage Tara. You have to slow down Tara."

"How?" she demands, feeling a small spark of anger. "How am I supposed to slow down? I have the boys, I have work, I have therapy for my hand, I have to find a bigger house, I have-"

"Then I'll help out more," he reasons, like its the solution for all of their problem.

"When? When do you have the time to drop Abel off at preschool? Maybe after you've been to CaraCara? Or maybe you can have a pornstar take him there for you, if you don't have the time-"

"Okay! Jesus. I get it. Gemma can help out-"

"Your mother is not having more access to my boys."

Jax tenses. They stare at one another in silence. The tension crackles between them. Tara takes a deep breath and tries to remain calm. "I don't want to fight with you Jax, not tonight," she says gently. "But we both agreed that the boys need some distance from your mother."

"Okay," he finally says. "Then we'll figure it out. I can take the boys more. I'll look into some houses. Maybe even Neeta can help out more."

"Yeah," Tara agrees, though she's not exactly hopeful. "We'll figure it out."

"Okay then." He gives her a small smile. "I should go. Please get some rest."

He leaves her standing in the kitchen and he's just at the door when she realizes that she can't leave things like this. "Jax?" Tara calls, taking a few steps towards him.

He turns to her and asks worriedly, "What? What's wrong?"

"No, no," she rushes to reassure him. "I just.. I'm sorry. I'm sorry Jax, for what I did. Faking the pregnancy. I'm sorry that I put you through that." She hesitates, feeling ashamed all over again. "After tonight, I just.. There are no excuses for what I did. I thought that it was the right thing to do, but I never meant to make you feel like that. I was wrong. I'm just.. sorry," she trails off uncertainly.

She wraps her arms around herself and forces the words out of her bone dry throat. "I wanted out of the club and Charming. I wanted to get away from the violence. I never wanted out of our marriage. Our family is the one and only important thing in my life, and I don't want to lose it."

Jax stands up straight, his eyes ablaze with an emotion she can't read.

"Say something," she whispers, stepping closer to him. Tears prickle behind her eyes.

"I don't know what's left to say Tara," he says hoarsely.

"There has to be something you want to say to me."

"Now isn't the time-"

"Now is a good as time as any."

Jax stares at her, as if trying to decide if she can handle this right now. Whatever he sees, it must give him some confidence in her. "I forgive you. You did what you had to for our boys. You were trying to protect them. Don't ever apologize for that." He steps closer to her until they are almost touching. Tara cranes her neck to look in his eyes. "It doesn't matter what you do. I am always going to love you Tara."

She looks at him. Really looks at him. She can see the remorse in his eyes that she tries to acknowledge every time he looks at her. When she looks at him now, the image of him and Colette is becoming a distant memory. The fact that he slept with another woman still hurts her, just like the fact that she tried to take his sons away still hurts him.

She will never forget what he did to her, but she can forgive.

And there is no point denying it anymore. She loves him with all of her heart. And though he's got a lot of making up to do, so has she.

She hugs him and the moment that he wraps his arms around her she feels safe and warm. She feels a strength that has been absent for a long time straighten her spine. She kisses him, slow and lazy. She draws her arms up and around his shoulders, her round belly pressed up against his. He groans at the back of his throat and Tara shivers at the familiar sound. She presses her lips gently against his once more and breaks away, and the smile on his lips is the sweetest thing she has ever seen.

"Stay," she whispers. "Please. I.. I don't want to be alone right now."


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is what happens when I'm slightly drunk and too buzzed to fall asleep.
> 
> Merry Christmas guys. Have a good one.

He wakes to her nestled against his side, her swollen belly pressing into him. His arm tightens around her and pulls her tighter against him. Pressing his face into her hair, he inhales the scent of her conditioner greedily. Half of him is still afraid that this is a dream and that he's about to wake up in his dorm with sheets that haven't been washed in weeks and the smell of cigarettes and cheap booze filling his nose. But no, he's sleeping on soft sheets and his nose is buried in Tara's hair. He inhales greedily having missed the scent of her coconut conditioner, and he rolls onto his side and smiles down at Tara who blinks up at him sleepily.

"Hi," he whispers.

"Hi," she whispers back.

"You okay?"

She smiles slightly. "Yeah. I'm okay." She brushes a hand across her stomach in an unconscious gesture. "Are you okay?"

He hesitates, thinking of Tara clutching his hand tightly, her panicked voice on the phone telling him that she's bleeding, and the feel of her swollen belly beneath his hands.

But then he thinks of her apologizing, of the kiss that she pressed to his lips and the night that he has spent with her wrapped in his arms.

"I'm okay too." In truth he's fucking fantastic. His boys are safe, and his girls are safely tucked up against him. He's not an idiot. He knows that things are far from alright between them, but this is a start. This is the happiest he's been in months, and he will make sure that nothing will ever take it away from him again.

Tara rolls over onto her back, and he can't help but stare when her shirt rides up, giving him a glimpse of her belly. Noticing his stare, Tara rolls her eyes and says, "You can touch me Jax, I'm not going to freak out." Feeling a little foolish, Jax gingerly places a gentle hand on her bare stomach as if to make sure the baby is still there. He ignores it when Tara tenses under his touch, but she relaxes against him seconds later. Once she would never have flinched under his touch, but things are different now. _They_ are different now. Those easy touches that he took for granted everyday will have to be earned once again. 

Swallowing tightly, he strokes the soft skin of her stomach gently with his thumb. He never got this with her when she was pregnant with Thomas. The few times they could touch each other, they were surrounded by prison guards who were quick to remind them of their presence. But right now, it's just them in their bed locked away from the world.

He shivers when Tara kisses his shoulder gently. "Is it weird?" she asks quietly, her lips grazing his skin with each word.

"Is what weird?" he asks, still focused on the tight bulge underneath his hand and thinking how fucking lucky he is to have her lips on his body once more.

"That after everything we've done, it still feels normal to be here with you."

Jax lets out a breath and turns on his side. He runs a hand down her side. "No. It not right when we're apart."

Green eyes flash up to his. "Can we do this? Can we really make this work?"

Jax tightens his arm around her. "I think that these past few months have proved that we can get through anything."

He hears her sniffle. "But what if we can't? What if we can't get past everything that we've done to each other?"

Jax scoffs internally. He knows that they can get through anything, but if he needs to convince her, then he will spend the rest of his life doing so. He chooses his words carefully. "There have been so many times that I've tried to convince myself that we're not right for each other. The biker and the doctor." He smiles sadly. "I still don't know how this works Tara. We're from different worlds, we have different morals. But you're part of who I am, you always have been. I know that we've hurt each other, but that isn't going to stop me from loving you."

Tara's eyes fill with tears. "And I love you. But what if that's not enough?"

Jax's eyes harden, imploring her to have a little faith. "It is enough."

Tara wipes her eyes and sits up. "I've been back in Charming for five years, and I still don't understand your life. I don't fit into your life Jax," she says, her voice breaking. She runs a nervous hand across her stomach and he immediately knows what she isn't saying. She doesn't know where their children fit into his life either.

Jax clenches his jaw. "Your place is right by my side, just like it's always been. Don't you think that this is something you should have thought about before you married me? Before you had a baby with me?"

Tara rolls her eyes at him. "Of course I thought about it! I haven't stopped thinking about it since the moment you went to prison."

Jax sits up. He runs a frustrated hand through his hair. "Then why did you marry me?"

Tara looks at him like he's an idiot. "Because I love you, you idiot! Jesus. It doesn't matter how many times I think that I'm done with you, I just can't let you go. I spent ten years trying to forget about you and it didn't work. It doesn't matter if I don't fit into your life. You have made me into the person I am today. You are a part of me too Jax. That's why I married you."

He reaches for her hand and he presses their joined hands to his lips. "Then what's bothering you?"

She hesitates, and he knows what's coming before she opens her mouth. "I have tried to except your life with the club. I know that I wanted to get out of Charming, but so did you once." Jax hides his wince. He loves his club, and he loves his brothers. But he loves his wife and his kids more. He's certain that if Clay's lies hadn't damaged the club, then they would have gotten the hell out of Charming when he'd originally planned. But now? He knows that he can change this club, that he can protect his family. A few years ago, she believed that he could do it. He hopes that he can show her that her faith in him was not wasted.

He's a selfish bastard. He wants his club and his family. He wants to spend his days with his brothers and get back to what the MC was originally about. He wants to spend his evenings with his family. He wants to play with his kids and put them to bed. He wants to spend his nights with his wife curled up beside him.

He just hopes that he can have it all.

"You've gotta trust me when say that I can protect our family, Tara."

"I know you can. I'm not going to make you choose between me and the club. I know that you're trying to make the club legit. You're out of guns, there's less risk of you going to prison, and most of all we're safe. But I wasn't actually talking about you protecting us."

Tara's face hardens.

His stomach drops.

"The women and the lies, that stops right now," Tara hisses. Her eyes narrow, and fuck if this makes him a dick, but he's a little turned on right now. Back in high school, he'd loved the jealous streak she had in her. Seeing her going after a girl who dared to put the moves on her man was a sure way to get his dick hard, and damn him if it still doesn't. Her next words soon kill his libido. "If you think I'm going to look the other way whilst you fuck crow eaters and porn stars, you've got another thing coming. If you ever fuck another woman who isn't me, then we're done. I can rationalize Ima and even Colette, but I will not forgive you again. This is your last chance. I love you Jax. But these past months have taught me that I can live without you if I have to. Do you understand?"

Jax swallows painfully. "Babe I don't want anyone but you-"

"Save it. I've heard it all before and I'm not interested in a repeat. Do you understand?"

"I understand." As soon as the words escape his mouth, Tara seems to deflate and the woman who looked ready to skin him alive is gone and back to his normally sweet wife. He stares at her in amazement and realizes that maybe she doesn't need him. But he sure as hell needs her. He doesn't want to go back to how things were before her. To endless Jack, pussy and weed, trying to fill up the hole in his heart that she made when she left.

It scares the shit out of him just how hopeless he is without her.

He would never admit it to another soul, but there's a part of him that is certain that if they ever leave Charming, then Tara will realize just how much better she can do than him and leave his sorry ass. He knows that Tara and the boys would thrive out of Charming, where as he will never be more than an outlaw.

"Let's go out," he says out of the blue, trying to push the thoughts away.

Tara furrows her brow. "What?"

"Lets go out. To breakfast." He looks at the alarm clock. "Or lunch," he amends when he sees the time. Seeing her confusion, he adds, "I wanna take you out."

Tara raises an amused eyebrow. "Are you asking me out on a date?"

Jax smirks. "Took you a while to get there, but yes, I am."

Tara laughs and it's like music to his ears. "You haven't taken me on a date since we were sixteen."

If he was anyone just Jackson Teller, he would be blushing right now. "Well, maybe it's time that we have another one."

Tara grins. "As much as I would love to go on a date with you, maybe we should stay in. I don't want to go out today."

His eyes flick down to her stomach and his grin fades. "Right." He considers his options and perks up. "Well, how about I make you breakfast?"

Tara raises an amused eyebrow. "You're going to cook for me?"

"Yeah."

"Do you even know how to turn the stove on Teller?" she says, her mouth twitching despite her effort to hide a smile.

"You're hilarious," he says stoically as she finally gives into her laughter, all the while trying to remember the last time he actually cooked a meal. "You're gonna love it. You'll see."

\--

"I'm gonna go get the boys." He picks up the keys to her car off of the table. It's late afternoon, and despite a few incidents with the fire alarm and Tara's constant amusement of the image of him cooking, breakfast hadn't gone too badly.

Jax stares at her in concern. "Are you sure that you don't want me to stay? I'm sure that Gemma-"

"I don't want to talk about your mother Jax," Tara snaps. Jax stares at her as she runs a hand across her belly and it suddenly dawns on him.

"Tara-"

"I'm sorry," she says softly. "But I can't deal with Gemma right now. After everything with Wendy and last night, she's the last person I want to talk about. So please, just not now Jax."

Jax runs a hand down his face and suddenly feels exhausted. He pulls her against him and wraps his arms around her. "I'm sorry."

After some hesitation, she relaxes against him and wraps her arms around his waist. "It's not your fault."

This time, he thinks bitterly. He can't help but wonder if his mom wasn't such a crazy bitch, then none of this would be happening.

Tara runs a soothing hand down his back and looks up at him with wide, glassy eyes. "Really, it wasn't your fault. Last night- well, I don't know what I would have done without you. And if anything does happen to this baby-"

Jax tries to pull away from her, but her hands curl into his hoodie. "Tara, no-"

"If anything happens," she carries on as if he had not interrupted, her voice wavering. "It won't be your fault. This is something you can't control Jax."

Jax shakes his head in denial and grabs her face with both of his hands. "Stop talking like that," he says hoarsely.

"I'm being realistic Jax."

He presses his mouth against hers hard. "Listen to me. This baby is going to be fine." He presses a hand on her belly. "You heard the doctor, she's healthy and she's going to stay that way."

"You don't know that, Jackson."

He swallows painfully but looks her in the eyes and says, "No, I don't. But if something does happen, then we'll get through it." He wipes the tears from her eyes and holds her for a long while. She pulls away from him eventually and smiles shakily.

"Go get our boys, okay?" Jax nods and goes to leave.

"Hey, Jax?" she calls. He turns back. "Why don't you pack a bag too?"

Jax grins in surprise. "You sure?"

Her answering smile is a touch shy. "Yeah. I'm sure." She rests a hand on her stomach and goes to the bedroom leaving him staring after her in wonder.

The smile doesn't leave his face the entire drive to his mothers.

\--

Thomas' laughter is the first thing he hears when he walks into Gemma's house. Despite his exhaustion, he smiles when he hears it and the emotional roller coaster of the last twenty four hours is pushed aside when he see's his boys on the floor playing a game that he can never hope to understand. He imagines a little girl with dark hair playing with them and his throat becomes dry.

"They've been at it all morning."

Jax turns to his mother and tries to keep his emotions off of his face. "Are they okay?" he asks tightly.

"Abel was upset when you weren't here when he woke up. Kept saying you promised him you'd be there when he woke up. But he soon forgot about it when I promised him some pancakes." Gemma places a hand on his arm. "Are you okay baby?" she says softly.

Jax shrugs her off. "Aren't you going to ask about Tara?" he says quietly. Gemma looks at him in surprise. "The baby's fine, thanks for asking." He walks away from her and goes to his old room. He pulls out a bag and without much thought starts to pack his shit. He feels Gemma's eyes boring holes into his back but he refuses to turn around.

"Jax, what's going on?"

He doesn't bother to turn around. "I'm going home."

Ignoring her stunned silence, he zips up his bag and goes to the boys room. He packs them up, briefly wondering how much shit they need for only one night.

"You've forgiven her then? After everything she did to you? To me?"

Jax turns to face his mother angrily. "Yes, I've forgiven her, and she's trying to forgive me. Stay out of it mom."

Gemma ignores him and hisses, "She hasn't earned your forgiveness. You're just going to let her back in, just like that? As for the other women, she knew who you were from the beginning. It's part of the life and she knows that. She's manipulating you Jax-"

He laughs bitterly. "That's rich coming from you."

Gemma looks at him innocently. "What's that supposed to mean?"

Jax looks at his mother in disgust. "That shit you pulled with Wendy? That stops now."

"Jax-"

"No! Tara almost had a miscarriage last night. Do you think it's a coincidence that it happened the the same day Wendy decides to come out of her hole?"

"Are you saying it's my fault? I had nothing-"

"I'm saying you pushing Wendy into the picture certainly didn't help her." Jax shakes his head in frustration. "Do you know how hard it was to convince her to let you see the boys? She was giving you a chance mom, and I'm pretty sure that you've just blown it."

"I'm their Grandma. They need me."

"No, they need their mother."

Gemma raises an eyebrow. "Are you honestly saying that you won't let me see my grandsons, Jackson? Are you really going to let Tara control you like that?"

Jax clenches his fists and leans closer to Gemma. "Tara doesn't control me. You won't be going anywhere near the boys, and that is my decision. I warned you, mom. You've got nobody to blame for this but yourself. Stay away from my sons." He grabs the bags and leaves her standing in the boys bedroom. Guilt bubbles in his stomach when he hears her first sob, but then the memory of Tara clutching his hand in the hospital bed resurfaces, and he knows in that moment that he's made the right choice.


	9. Chapter 9

Weeks pass by slowly, every moment equally painful and joyful. The months that they have been apart, having all of their secrets finally laid out before them and their shared worry for the baby leaves them feeling awkward around one another. There is a distance between them now that has never been there before. Neither know what to say as they tip toe around one another in fear of offending the other. Sometimes she sinks into his gentle touches, and then others she cannot help but flinch away from when an image of Jax touching Colette in a similar way comes to mind. He pretends not to notice whilst she ignores the hurt and the confusion he wears so blatantly on his face.

But he's trying, really trying. When she sees him with the boys, Tara knows for sure that she has done the right thing. She sees the bond between them and a spark of guilt flares up when she thinks about how she wanted to take them away from their father. True to his word, he spends every spare moment he has taking care of the boys, and even her. The first time he cooks them dinner has her blinking back tears, even if he did burn the spaghetti a little. He takes Abel to school and Thomas to daycare. He gets them ready for the day and puts them to bed. And when he is not around, he makes sure that Neeta is present despite her protests that she can take care of their children all by herself thank you very much. But she sees his eyes tighten and the worry on his face as they flick down to her stomach for a moment, and with a sigh of defeat she concedes to his wishes.

They never mention Gemma, but they never forget about her.

Each morning she wakes up and just for the slightest moment, she cannot help but wonder if she is doing the right thing by staying with him. She loves him, that she cannot deny, but the love that they share is an unhealthy one. She remembers the years of crippling loneliness when she left him and though she doesn't want to have to ever feel that again, perhaps it's better than being in love with a man who constantly hurts her.

But then she feels his arms tighten around her and one hand drops to her expanding stomach, as if he knows what she is thinking and is holding onto them with all of his strength to keep them at his side. And every morning she will push the thoughts away because how can she leave this, leave him, now? She will press herself against him and for a few moments before the boys wake up and Jax's brothers come knocking on their door, she indulges in his touch, at the feel of his bare chest pressed up against her back. Jax never pushes for more, but she yearns for his touch. The hand on her belly sends waves of heat down to her core. She wants nothing more than to take his hand and slip it under her panties and to let his talented fingers bring her the pleasure she craves, but all she thinks about is the pretty blonde madame straddling him and she just can't bring herself to do it.

She loves him, she just doesn't know how to move on. But she has made her decision, and unless he gives her reason to, she is not going anywhere.

-

She lets him into her bed after a week of him sleeping on the couch. She falls asleep at the end of the bed every night yet she always seems to wake up in his arms and their legs tangled together. Each morning she sheepishly avoids his eyes when she forces herself to get up and away from his touch. Jax never says anything, but she can feel his eyes burning holes into her back as she retreats to the sanctuary of the bathroom. But after three weeks of awkward silences and lingering looks, one morning she can't stand it anymore. Her back is pressed to his bare chest, and she forces her body to relax against his. Jax's body tenses as he waits for her to depart as usual, but as time goes by, his body relaxes once again behind hers.

She feels a flutter in her belly and she cries out in surprise. "Oh!" Dropping a hand to her belly, she waits with bated breath and smiles when she feels it again.

Jax stiffens behind her. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing, don't worry. I just felt the baby move." She laughs in delight and relief. "She's okay," Tara whispers. She reaches for Jax's hand and presses it against her belly.

"I don't feel anything," he says softly, and she doesn't have to turn around to see the frown on his face.

"It's still too early. Give it a few weeks." She feels it again and she smiles softly. "She's really going to be okay isn't she?"

Jax runs a soothing hand down her arm before placing it back on her stomach. "She's tough, she's going to be fine babe."

They stay like that for a while, each lost in their own thoughts. There has always been a doubt in her mind that she couldn't have it all, her boys, the baby, Jax. But now, as she feels the gentle flutter in her belly and Jax's hand resting against her, she thinks that maybe this is it. She does have it all, and the only thing that is stopping her from embracing it is herself. She can blame Jax for his actions until she drives him away, she can blame herself for her actions and embrace the guilt that she pushes down every morning she wakes up.

She can carry on being miserable.

Or she can let it go and have the life that she craves so much.

She knows what she wants, there's just one thing that's stopping her.

"Have you been with anyone else, you know since.." she trails off and his silence is answer enough. "It's okay," she manages to say, even though it's not. She's glad that he can't see her face right now or the tears that are threatening to fall. "I understand. I don't blame you for it. I told you we were done, you had every right to." There's more silence and she just can't help herself when she says, "You didn't fuck Colette again right? Actually don't tell me. I don't want to know-"

The hand that is cradling her swollen belly tightens around her. "Tara," he interrupts. "I haven't been with anybody else since you walked in on me and Colette." His voice is gentle, almost soothing and she's pretty sure that she doesn't deserve it.

"Oh," she replies faintly, taking in his words.

"Yeah."

They are silent, and not knowing what to say, Tara runs a hand down his arm and links their fingers together and rests them on her belly. She doesn't know what to say. Since the moment Jackson Teller lost his virginity, she's pretty sure that he hasn't gone five months without sex. She briefly wonders if he's lying but pushes the thought away. He knows that the moment he lies to her once again, then they are done. But that means-

"Stop worrying," he whispers against her ear, causing her to shiver.

"I wasn't worrying," she whispers back, pushing herself further against him.

"Yes you were. Stop thinking about the past. Kohn. Ima. Colette. Clay. Gemma. They don't matter. This is what's important," he says, pressing their hands against her belly. "Let it go, babe."

"I've missed you," she says, her voice twisted with anguish.

"Me too babe," he whispers and presses a hard kiss to her head. "Me too."

-

That night, she falls asleep pressed against his side and his hand placed firmly on her belly.

-

The glow of the television is the only light in the room. They are all squashed together on the couch, Thomas asleep against her shoulder and Abel squashed between her and Jax as he watches the television in delight because he's allowed to stay up past his bed time. Tara shifts Thomas against her and runs her fingers through his soft hair. She has no interest in the show that Abel is watching with determined eyes, she's more interested in watching her boys. She smiles softly when Abel's eyes start to fall shut for a few seconds before he blinks himself awake and sneaks a glance at his father to see if he noticed his moment of weakness. Judging by the small smirk on his face, Abel isn't fooling him.

"Maybe it's time for bed," she says softly unable to hide her smile this time when Abel's eyes shut for over a minute.

The boy shakes himself and looks at his mother with narrowed eyes. "No! I'm watching this mommy," he hisses at her, and shoots a meaningful look at Jax. _Don't embarrass me in front of daddy._

Jax shakes with silent laughter. She catches his gaze and has to bite her lip to stop herself from joining him. She looks at her boys and the resemblance between father and son takes her breath away. Abel has always worshiped his father, but with Jax being home everyday and spending more time with him, her little boy has grown even closer to him. He's even refusing to have his hair cut so that he can push it back, "just like daddy does."

It gives her a warm feeling deep in her chest just looking at them.

"Okay, okay," she sighs in defeat.

Ten minutes pass and Abel is still staring at the television with sleepy eyes. Tara shoots Jax a meaningful glance. _Do something._ He raises his eyebrows and smirks but takes the hint.

He fakes a yawn that won't be winning him any Oscars anytime soon and mumbles, "I'm beat. I think it's time for me to go to bed."

Abel blinks and turns to his father. "Really?" he says with a hint of hopefulness in his voice.

Jax nods and manages to say with a straight face, "But you can stay up if you want little man. I know that you're watching this-"

"No! It's okay daddy. We can watch it tomorrow," her little boy says.

Tara presses her mouth to Thomas' head to hide her smile. Abel turns to her and says sleepily, "Goodnight mommy." Tara leans down so that he can kiss her cheek.

"Goodnight Abel." Jax stands and holds his arms out for Thomas. Tara sighs and presses her lips to Thomas' cheek and whispers, "Goodnight baby." Jax pulls him from her arms and takes Abel's hand as he leads him to their bedroom. Abel waves sleepily at her just as he disappears from view. It breaks her heart a little that her boys can go to bed so easily without her being there when it was not so long ago that they refused to go to sleep without their mommy's goodnight kiss.

Her eyes are a little damp and Tara curses herself for being so ridiculous. Since she has been off work, Jax barely lets her lift a finger around the house and when he is not here, Neeta is here to take care of the boys. She feels so useless. Tara has never been one to sit around and let her day pass by, and if it were not for the sake of the baby, she would have gone insane by now. She rolls her eyes and tries to brush the feeling off. She pushes herself up off of the couch awkwardly, cursing her sudden weight gain these past few weeks, and makes her way to the boy's bedroom. She watches quietly by the door as Abel insists that Jax reads him a bedtime story as he climbs into bed. From past experience she knows that he won't make it past the second page before the boy falls asleep, but all the same he will argue until his last breath until he gets his story.

She leaves them to it and makes her way to the bathroom. She runs a bath, adding bubble bath and bath salts. She smiles softly to herself when she feels a fluttering in her stomach. For the past week she has felt the strange sensation and each time it causes her to smile. It's a reminder that the baby is safe and healthy, and it's a reminder of what they could have lost. She strips and gets into the bath, the hot water soothing her aching back. She closes her eyes and thinks that they need a bigger bath in their new house. She thinks of the boys each having their own room, a big garden for them to run around, and lastly a nursery painted pink and a baby girl with soft, blonde curls sleeping away in a crib.

"Tara?" Jax calls, shaking her from her thoughts.

Tara blinks in surprise. Jax calls her name once again with a touch of panic lacing his tone. She hesitates, not knowing what to do. She knows what she should do, she should say that she's in the bath and will be out soon. But there's something stopping her. She left the door unlocked for a reason and damn her but she misses his touch and in the end replies, "I'm in the bathroom."

Tara forces herself to relax as his footsteps grow louder, and though her heart feels as though it is about to burst out of her chest, her mind is clear.

_I know what I want._

"Are you tired? We can-" His voice dies in throat as he looks at her in surprise. His heated stare studies her body, his eyes flaring up in desire as he lingers on her large breasts. For the first time in months she feels beautiful. He makes her feel beautiful. Jax has never seen her like this. Sure, he saw her when he was inside, but he did not get to see her bare skin or the way her body changed to accommodate their child. Despite the fact that she wanted them to try again, she always felt in the back of the mind that he would look at her changed body and not feel attracted to her anymore, especially when there are beautiful women who throw themselves at him if given the chance. But seeing the look in his eyes, the love, the lust, the desire, the hunger for her, takes all of her doubts away.

Tara raises an eyebrow. "What?"

Jax doesn't take his eyes off of her as he closes the door behind him. "You're so beautiful."

Tara rolls her eyes, fighting to keep the smile off of her face. "Shut up."

Jax grins. "It's true." His eyes linger on her and despite herself she flushes.

"You've seen me naked lots of times."

"Yeah, but not like this." He kneels down by the bath, and brushes his fingers across the warm water.

"Are you going to join me Teller? I promise not to tell your brothers that you had a bath with strawberry and guava bubble bath."

Jax's mouth twitches, but she sees the indecision on his face. His hunger for her battles against the need to do what he thinks is right by her.

Tara touches his cheek gently and presses her lips against his softly. "I want you, Jax," she breathes against his lips.

Jax cradles her face in his hands, his thumbs stroking her cheekbones. He swallows noisily. "The baby-"

"Is fine. She's healthy," she says softly, hoping to soothe his worries.

"And you?" Jax pulls away from her to look her in the eye. "Two days ago you flinched from my very touch. What's changed?"

Tara wills herself to be patient. Really, she's flattered that he's being so careful with her, but she's tired of them tip toeing around one another, each careful to not hurt the other. Tara strokes his bottom lip gently with her thumb. "I love you," she says simply. "You were right before. I couldn't stop thinking about the past. When I close my eyes, I don't want to see Kohn's body on my bedroom floor, or Ima walking out of your bathroom. I don't want to think about all of the ways we could become Clay and Gemma. I want us to choose our own path whether that's here in Charming or somewhere else. When I look at you, when I touch you, I don't want to have to see the image of you and Colette anymore. I want to see us. What we've done to one another, I don't want it to matter anymore. And the only way for it not to matter is to live in the present and move on with our lives." Tara pauses and sees the tightness in his eyes. "I'm ready. I want you, and I love you. I want us to start living again Jax, don't you?"

He stares at her for a long time. She stares at him right back and silently begs him to take this leap with her because she's not too sure that she's going to be able to do this again. She's made herself vulnerable to him, and now it's his turn. And just when she's sure that he's going to turn her away, he smiles the rare smile that he saves just for her and then she knows that he's made his choice. Her fingers curl against the edge of the bath as he stands and pulls his white t-shirt over his head. Her eyes greedily takes in his hardened muscles as he drops his hands to his belt and it's with bated breath she waits as he drops his jeans to the floor.

Her mouth is dry as she takes him in after all of this time and it's not until he speaks that he breaks her from her spell. "Lean forward," he says, his voice tinted with lust. She does as she is told, moving as far as her body will allow given the space. He steps in behind her with careful steps and lowers himself until he is right behind her, his legs framing hers. Tara leans back against him and turns her head to claim his lips with her own. Her mouth is hard against his and she curses him silently for his gentleness. She bites his lip which earns her a hiss in return. Jax growls and suddenly he's taking control, easily winning their brief battle for dominance. His hands travel over her wet skin with an eagerness that has never been present before.

His cock hardens against her ass quickly and she pushes back against him impatiently. Jax pulls his mouth away from hers and says, "Stop it."

Tara freezes. "But I thought-"

"We can't have sex in the bath. There's no room-"

"Are you saying that I'm too fat?" she hisses incredulously. Her eyes narrow dangerously as she struggles to keep her eyes on him.

"What? No! I wasn't going to say that!"

"Yes you were! You think that I'm too fat. Well, I'm only going to get bigger so you better get used to it - Are you laughing at me?" she cries out angrily.

She feels him shaking behind her and her anger only grows when she realizes that he's laughing at her. "Tara," he gasps out. "Stop putting words in my mouth."

"But you just said there's no room-"

"Because there isn't. I don't want to hurt the baby."

Her anger leaves her as quickly as it came upon her. "Oh," she says dumbly. Her cheeks flush in embarrassment and she silently curses her hormones. "I just totally killed the mood didn't I?"

Jax laughs and kisses her neck. His hands can't seem to stop exploring her, but he never touches her where she wants him most. "You're so beautiful," he whispers. He pushes his cock against her. "You're not fat babe. Can't you feel what you do to me?" Tara whimpers as his breath ghosts over her skin. His hands stroke the tender skin of the inside of her thighs, and he already has her a panting, moaning mess.

"Touch me," she demands breathlessly.

"I am touching you," he says, his voice a harsh rasp in her ear.

"Touch me properly," she insists. "Just a little higher baby-"

"Not yet." Tara moans when he runs a teasing finger along her slit but then his hands are moving away and she's crying out in disappointment. But before she can object, he cups her breasts in his large hands and suddenly she's not so disappointed anymore.

"I've been dying to play with these for months," he rasps against her ear. He runs his thumb against her nipple before pinching it lightly.

"Oh!" she cries out in surprise. "I know," she whispers, her breath hitching as he gives her other nipple the same treatment. "You spend more time staring at my boobs than my face."

"Can you blame me babe?" He pulls her nipple taut and she moans in delight. "It was torture when I was inside. Seeing your body change every week and not being able to see your skin almost killed me. Do you know how many dreams I had about you?" He grinds his cock against her ass once again. "God I want you."

"Then take me," she manages to say.

"Not yet," he whispers, and then he is finally trailing a hand down her body, over her swollen belly until he finally strokes her tender folds. Tara sighs in relief and grips the edge of the bath tub as he slips a finger inside of her.

"Jackson," she whispers, her hips rocking against his hand as he pinches her nipple again. He fucks her slowly with his finger until she is a writhing, panting mess against him. He adds another finger and picks up the pace. Tara braces her foot against the edge of the tub and fucks herself on his fingers faster. Jax pushes his cock against her backside and she aches to have him inside of her. "Jax, please I need more-"

"Touch yourself," Jax growls in her ear, and though it's a bit of a struggle to reach, she just about manages to rub her clitoris with clumsy fingers. She almost shouts in delight but then Jax turns her head and kisses her harshly. She moans against his mouth and she's too far gone to even think about the boys sleeping just down the hall or her curious neighbors. She's too far gone to give a shit about anything but his fingers. She pulls away and nips at his bottom lip as he curls his fingers inside of her just so and the next thing she knows she's resting her head against his shoulder and crying out in ecstasy. Jax impatiently pushes her hair away and kisses her neck, alternating between kissing, sucking and biting her tender skin. She rubs herself roughly until she finally reaches her peak and is coming apart in his arms, her pussy clenching around his fingers so hard that for an absurd moment she worries that she's going to break them. He carries on fucking her until it's all too much and she is begging him to stop. Tara collapses against him, struggling to catch her breath. She can feel the smugness radiating from Jax but she can't even tease him about it because lets face it, he has every reason to be smug.

She smiles up at him lazily. "Fuck," she breathes. "I've missed you."


	10. Chapter 10

Long after all of the bubbles have disappeared and the water has turned cold, Jax helps her out of the bath and slowly proceeds to dry every inch of her body. He takes his time, taking in all of the changes to her body, his hands ghosting over her skin when he's finally done. She greedily takes in the sight of his wet body, her tongue dying to trace the drops of water dripping down his chest. He carelessly wipes the towel over himself, oblivious to her hungry stare. Her body aches once more to finally have him inside of her after being deprived of him for months, but she quells the urge to pull his mouth down to hers and fuck him into oblivion on the bathroom floor.

Carefully wrapping a towel around her, he ignores her amused look. "I'm not a doll Jax, I'm not going to break."

If he was anyone else other than Jackson Teller, she's pretty sure that he would be blushing right now. Instead he merely meets her eye with a serious look and says, "I know how strong you are Tara. There's no need to remind me." He looks away then. "Just let me take care of you for a change."

All jokes die on her tongue. She thinks of the last few weeks and wants to say, _you do take care of me,_ but the words die in her throat when he kisses her. Taking her hand in his, he leads her to their bedroom, naked as the day he was born. 

Jax sits himself on the bed and then helps her to straddle him. He drops the towel and lets his eyes travel over her body. His gaze makes her insides turn to liquid, he makes her feel beautiful even when she feels as though she has gained a hundred pounds since they last did this. Calloused hands ghost down her sides to press a reassuring hand against her swollen belly. "I love seeing you like this," he murmurs.

"I'm only going to get bigger."

Jax pats her ass and smirks. "Good."

Rolling her eyes she replies, "Neanderthal." Jax laughs, and in that moment he looks so young and carefree and it makes her heart ache for the cock sure boy he used to be.

Her heart is thumping wildly against her chest and despite the fact that she can still see that blonde whore riding her husband in her mind, it's in the past now, and she needs to move on. It matters less and less everyday, especially while he's looking at her like that, with want and depth. His hands cup her face and he kisses her sweetly.

"I've fucked up so many times," Jax says quietly, his hands framing her face. "I don't want to mess this up, and if that means we wait then I'm all for it. I don't want you to ever regret letting me back in."

She swallows tightly. "I have regretted a lot of things in my life, I can't even begin to name them. But I will never regret you, Jackson."

Jax looks at her in disbelief, as though he still can't believe that she still wants him after everything. "I'm never going to deserve you."

Tara's blood runs cold. "What do-"

"But it doesn't matter, because I'm far too selfish to let you go."

Tears sting her eyes and before she can think too much of his words Jax claims her lips once again, his tongue slowly making it's way into her mouth. Tara drapes her arms around his still damp skin and pulls him to her tighter. The kiss that follows is all hot breath and wet tongue. A whimper escapes her throat. Even after all of these years, he can still drive her crazy with only the simplest touch. Jax pulls away, his chest heaving against hers.

His finger runs down her slit, gathering the wetness that is already seeping out of her and dragging his thumb lazily against her clitoris. "Jax," Tara sighs breathlessly.

"Do you want me to stop?" he rasps.

"No," Tara says, brushing her lips against the corner of his mouth. The ghost of a smile hovers on his lips as his deft fingers part her folds and stroke her gently. Tara fists her hand in his hair and rocks against his hand. He presses a gentle kiss to her neck and whispers how good she feels, how much he loves her and how he's missed her. He works her over until she's crying out in pleasure and coming against his fingers.

Tara struggles to catch her breath as she comes down from her orgasm. She nuzzles her nose against his and brushes a soft kiss against his lips.

No words are said. He looks at her once again to give her an out but Tara's done with running away.

Guiding her onto his cock, his mouth parts in a gasp as she takes him in. Tara sighs, her hands gripping his shoulders tightly as she gets used to the familiar feeling of Jackson being inside of her once more. Gone are the months of loneliness, of confusion and desperation of what is to come. She believes that they can be extraordinary together, a force to be reckoned with, rather than just ordinary apart. 

Tara pushes back the hair that has fallen into his face and just for a moment he looks like the sixteen year old boy she fell in love with, all soft eyes and that damn smirk. She presses a soft kiss to his lips. "I've missed this."

Jax thrusts up into her gently and whispers, "Me too."

He rocks into her, slow and purposeful as he kisses along the line of her jaw, teasing at her skin with his tongue and teeth. His hands move over her skin, sliding up her sides and across her back, pulling her in until they are skin to skin. He ducks down to trail wet kisses down her exposed chest, wrapping his lips around a dark, pebbled nipple and sucking, his teeth scraping over her skin and digging in just enough to earn a strangled noise from her throat. She tugs on his hair and arches up into the embrace of his mouth.

He smirks, sliding a hand up and cupping her breast, kneading it as he soothingly lapped and kissed her nipple, flicking his tongue and keeping an eye on her face as she bites her lip and watches him. "Gently," Tara reminds him, her breath coming raggedly.

Jax presses a kiss to each breast in apology and brushes a kiss against her lips. His hands tighten around her hips. "I love you," he breathes with gravity against her skin, breath tracing a trail across her cheekbone. 

This is home. This is heat and passion and comfort, all wrapped up in one, and she will die before she lets it go again.

II

"I should check on the boys," she says softly in his ear, though she makes no effort to move. They have spent hours reacquainting themselves with one another, hands exploring skin that is familiar but in her case foreign. She reaches out and strokes the back of his thigh. She can do that now. She can touch him again, kiss him, taste him.

He was hers again. Hers to touch, to rouse, to command.

"No," he groans.

"The boys-"

"Are fast asleep."

"But-"

"Shh." He lifts his head and kisses her long and lingering. Tara spreads her legs and he presses himself against her aching center. She hides a smile when she notices that he's careful to not rest his weight on her stomach. All thoughts about needing to get up vanish from her mind. "I intend to make up for lost time," he breathes against her lips. Tara frowns when he rolls off of her and stands.

"Get on your hands and knees," Jax says, his voice husky. Tara rolls over and braces herself. She jumps when Jax shifts her legs further apart before sitting behind her. He runs a hand over her backside.

"Fuck me," Tara breathes, her voice a gentle whine throughout the quiet house.

Jax runs his knuckles down her slit but otherwise remains still. "You've never been this demanding before babe." She doesn't have to turn around to know that he's smirking. His fingers slide over the slick folds of her cunt, teasing her but never making contact with where she wants him the most. He slides a finger inside of her and Tara cries out, rocking against the digit desperately but it's not enough. "Jesus, you're soaked," and for a moment he almost sounds in awe of her.

"Yeah well, that's the second trimester for you," Tara snaps. "I've rubbed myself raw and used every toy that I can get my hands on but I always want more."

Jax laughs throatily, and presses a kiss on her backside. "Well, I'm here to take care of you now." Tara's heart flutters at his words and she's unable to contain the smile on her face.

"Yes you are," she says quietly.

There's a moment of silence, and Jax slides another finger inside of her. He curls his fingers in just the right way that has her crying out in pleasure. "But I'm curious, where exactly have you been keeping these toys?"

Tara flushes and snaps, "None of your business!"

Jax laughs and nips at skin. "Come on babe. Don't take it out on me. It's not my fault you're horny all the goddamn time." He twists his fingers inside of her, and she's suddenly coming with a surprised, "Oh!" sounding through the room.

He goes to remove his fingers but Tara says, "No, carry on," her voice shaking. "That's bullshit. It is your fault. You got me pregnant. And there's something in the Teller genes, I'm telling you."

Jax snorts, but doesn't argue with her. Instead he rubs her clit, already hard and aching for attention the moment that he buried his fingers into her.

Her arms shake in frustration and she is absolutely dying here. The fingers buried inside of her pumps into her quickly, never once alternating from the fast pace. She's wanted this for so long, Jax's touch that makes her skin burn and she just can't fucking take this anymore. She can feel her orgasm pulling at the far reaches of her mind, but she just needs more.

"Jax, please," she begs pathetically, all pride gone out of the window.

"Hmm?" he breathes, his breath hot against her skin.

"I need more! Please! Fuck me!"

"Not yet." She whines pathetically at his words but she outright sobs when he parts her cheeks and slowly slides a finger into her ass. There's a delicious burn as he stretches her that goes straight to her groin. It's been a long time since he has done this to her, and she aches for him all the more. "Jax, please!" He moves the digit carefully, twisting and curling inside of her along with the two fingers inside of her cunt.

"You're so beautiful like this," he growls. "All spread out before me." He removes the fingers in her cunt and lands a quick smack on her ass, making Tara cry out in surprise and rocking her hips against him desperately. Her hands fist the sheets desperately. "Seeing you like this, dripping down your thighs just from having my finger in your ass." He adds another finger and Tara can barely contain her squeal and then his thumb is on her clit and rubbing mercilessly. She sobs desperately and pushes back with renewed vigor. "That's it babe, fuck my fingers." His lips press against her ass and she's just done.

Wave after wave of pleasure passes through her as she comes around his fingers, her entire body shaking until he finally slips his fingers out of her.

He doesn't give her time to recover. Before she can even form a single though he's grabbing hold of her hip and rubbing the head of his cock up and down her slit before sliding into her. Tara's mouth opens in a silent cry, too far gone to do anything but hold on for the ride. He plows into her, his thrusts sharp and punishing.

Her arms shake and just when she's sure she's about to drop Jax drapes himself across her back and wraps an arm around her swollen belly to support the added weight. His hot breath pants across the back of her neck. Tara whines and curves her spine to deepen his thrusts, clenching her cunt around his cock. Jax groans and buries his face in her neck.

"That's it babe, come around my cock."

A scream builds up in her throat as he circles his hips once more. "I c-can't," Tara pants. She sobs when Jax pinches her nipple and then she's lost to a pleasure so intense that she's surprised she doesn't pass out. He fucks her in short jabs as she comes around his cock, and with what little strength she has left, she pushes back into him. His hips stutter in his thrusts and then he's shouting in her ear as he finds his release. He presses a gentle kiss to the back of her neck and then carefully settles them back on the bed.

She's completely spent.

They lie peacefully together, welded with the sweat of their efforts, listening to each other breathe. Jax stirs, lifting his face from her hair. He bends his head and kisses her long and lingering. "Go to sleep," he says, running a hand through her hair. The words are barely out of his mouth before she's asleep.

II

Jax wakes to the feel of Tara's naked body pressed up against his and her head using his arm as a pillow. He aches to move a little, but his limbs feel at once weightless and heavy as lead. He's too tired to even smile. He rests his head against the top of Tara's and breathes in the scent of her, of them. The past few months had him questioning if he would ever have this with her again. He sighs, feeling pretty fucking euphoric actually.

He thinks back on last night and runs his hand over his face in disbelief. He has to resist the urge to pinch himself to make sure that this isn't a dream. Because in truth, he has spent many nights dreaming about the things he did last night to his wife over the last few months.

He gazes down at his sleeping wife. Jax resists the urge to let his hand sink into her hair. Resists leaning forward and pressing his mouth to hers. Instead he runs the tip of his finger over the apple of her cheek, tucking her hair behind her ear. She looks beautiful like this. A deadly combination of strength, vulnerability and love. She looks happy. The blanket rests low on her hips and her bare skin and breasts are exposed to his eyes. And her swollen belly. He drops his hand to feel the smooth skin that is currently protecting their child. He never thought that he would be so into a pregnant woman, but it silently thrills him to know that every transformation to her body is because his child necessitated it.

Or perhaps it's just because it's Tara.

He loves her. More than she can possibly imagine. He's been with hundreds of women. From sweet, naïve women hoping to have a wild night with a biker, to porn stars and pros willing to do anything he says. But when it comes down to it, there is only one woman for him. He thinks of Ima and Colette, of how the only reason he fucked them was the only way he knew how to hurt Tara as much as she had hurt him. 

Thinking of it disgusts him.

She may have forgiven him, but he promises silently to himself to never give her a reason to doubt him ever again.

She stirs and Jax pulls his hand away hastily. Green eyes open slowly and for a moment she stares at him with a dumbfounded expression that is fucking adorable, but then the most beautiful smile appears on her face and she whispers shyly, "Hi."

Jax finds himself smiling back at her and whispering, "Hi."


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I originally planned to end this in a couple more chapters, and then this happened so you're stuck with me for a little longer.

She wakes up to the feel of his hand on her belly rubbing small circles under his shirt. At twenty five weeks pregnant, she has long given up trying to squeeze into her clothes now, instead opting to wear his shirts around the house and relishing in the heated look Jax gives her every time.

When she opens her eyes, he's gazing down at her with such a tender expression that it makes her stomach flip. There is no trace of the man who he becomes when he leaves their house to be president of the Sons of Anarchy. In this bed, he is just another expectant father who is excited to meet his child.

"Hi," she whispers. He meets her eyes and smiles lazily.

"Hi." He kisses her gently on the lips, but she's having none of that. Tara claims his lips and pulls him down firmly. He slips his hand from under the shirt and carefully maneuvers himself until he hovers over her, careful to keep his weight off of her. Her hands greedily travel along the hard ridges of Jax's chest and around to give his ass a firm squeeze. He laughs into her mouth and flexes his hips against hers. And just as things are getting good, there's a firm kick against her stomach.

Jax pulls away in surprise and stares down at her with wide eyes. "Did she just-"

"Yes, she did." She's unable to prevent the grin that spreads across her face. Jax's answering smile is blinding as they both stay still, waiting to see if she kicks again. All is quiet for a few minutes and then she's kicking again, four little kicks in a row and she has to bite her lip to contain her squeal of joy.

"Jesus she's strong," he breathes in awe, his hand planted firmly on the exact spot of the baby's kicks.

"You don't know that it's a girl," Tara comments, running her hand through his hair. She had gone for her second scan two weeks previously (this time actually telling Jax) and despite her now normal blood pressure and the all clear to work a couple of days at the hospital, she couldn't help but be disappointed when they baby refused to cross it's legs to find out the sex. "That's the Knowles genes," Jax had commented, earning him a dirty look and a small smile from the doctor.

"Definitely a girl," he says, shooting her a wicked smile. He lifts up her (his) shirt and moves down her body and presses his cheek against her stomach. She can't wipe the smile from her face at his reaction. Tears sting in her eyes when she remembers the first time Thomas had kicked. She was curled up on the couch with Abel, his sleeping head cradled against her breast when she had felt it, and though it remains one of her favorite memories of her boys, she had wished more than anything to have Jax there too.

Her heart melts and she's pretty sure she's about to burst into tears when Jax presses a kiss against her stomach, speaking nonsense against her skin. It's times like this that makes all of the shit they've been through worth it. At the end of the day, her bad ass biker is as soft as a marshmallow. He glances up at her with a small grin. "You okay up there?"

Tara rolls her eyes and ignores the dampness around her eyes. "Laugh it up Teller. You won't find it so funny when she's screaming at 3:00am wanting to be changed and demanding your attention. And if she's good at interrupting now, how good is she going to be when she's actually here?"

Jax laughs, resulting in another kick. "We'll make it work babe."

"I'm serious Jax!" she says, trying to keep a straight face. "With the boys and a newborn, you're going to be lucky if you get laid by the time she's two years old."

Jax's eyes widen in mock horror. "You're serious? Well, we can't have that." He presses his cheek against her stomach and says gravely. "Now listen up kid. I love you so much, and I'm sure that the moment you're here, you're gonna have me wrapped around your little finger. So let's make a deal. I'll buy you whatever you want-"

"Jax!" Tara protests, unable to help the giggle that follows.

"Shh, babe. I'm taking care of it." There's a kick against her stomach. "Right, so I'll buy you anything you want. I won't shoot the guy who you want to marry." Tara rolls her eyes. "I'll get all of the prospects to have tea parties with you and whatever other shi- stuff you girls do. But only if you let me and mommy have some special time now and again. I love you kid, but I think your mommy needs some attention too. So, do we have a deal?" There's a hard kick against her stomach, and Jax grins up at her. "See. It's all sorted babe. And while we're at it, let's talk about boyfriends. You see, your old man has a large collection of guns-"

Tara bites her lip to contain her laughter at the ridiculousness of it all. "Jax, you know that she has no idea what you're saying right? She's just reacting to the sound of your voice."

"Don't be jealous babe. Me and the kid have an understanding. You're still my top girl." He gives her the smirk.

Raising a challenging eyebrow, Tara whispers, "Prove it." Jax grins, and with one last kiss to her belly he's crawling up her body with the grace of a predator, his grin turning into a sinful smile that has her toes curling in anticipation. He kisses her lazily, as if they have all the time in the world when she's pretty certain Abel is going to come bursting in at any minute and she really doesn't want to scar him for life-

"Stop thinking," he mumbles against her lips, kissing her harder. He links their hands together and grinds his erection against her thigh. She hears the way his breath catches in his throat. Pulling her hand away, Tara manages to maneuver her hand around her belly and grasp his dick. Giving her a delicious groan, he pulls away and stares down at her with heated eyes. She strokes him slowly, watching him, the way he hisses through his teeth as she swipes her thumb across his head and how his mouth will part in a silent moan when she tightens her grip. He does not take his eyes off of her when she runs the head of his cock up her wet slit, her eyes closing briefly when it bumps against her clitoris. Her breath becomes ragged as she teases herself with his cock, each length a delicious torture that she cannot seem to stop.

Eventually she guides him into her, his cock slowly stretching her. He fucks her slowly, each snap of his hips dragging out the pleasure until she can't stand it anymore. Her fingers are tight on his hip, desperate not to be parted from him. A moan escapes her every exhale as she fists the sheet with her free hand. She is consumed by him. She can never get enough of her hands on his skin, and his on hers. She ravages his mouth, needing to feed the fire building deep in her belly. With a groan he spills himself inside of her, his hips stuttering in their pace as he slides a hand between them and circles her clitoris with two fingers, and she is not far behind him, her orgasm almost dazzling her in surprise.

"Oh God," she gasps, all sense of mind lost. He goes to move off of her but she gropes for him, unwilling to be parted just yet. The feel of his strong, toned body above hers is something she will not be able to feel for much longer as her ever expanding belly grows.

They lie together melded by the sweat of their morning activity, and for the life of her she does not want to move.

"I gotta go," he whispers against her lips. Tara hums and runs her nails lightly over his ass. She can feel him stirring against her thigh and grins.

"Then go," she whispers right back. Lifting her head, she captures his lips once more, gently sucking on his bottom lip lazily, but before she can get much further, Jax wrenches himself away from her with a groan. "I don't think that I can keep up with you for much longer," he laughs.

Raising a condensing eyebrow, Tara replies, "You weren't complaining an hour ago."

"Oh, you will never hear a complaint from me." He pauses. "I'll die happily between your thighs if you need me to babe." He tosses her a wicked smile and dodges the pillow she chucks at him before heading for a shower.

She's drifting off to sleep, the sound of the shower lulling her to sleep, when she feels Jax kiss her forehead. "Stay in bed, I'll get Abel to school and Neeta can have Thomas for the day. Get some rest baby." Tara hums in agreements and mumbles, "Love you," before she is sound asleep.

\--

It's past 12:00pm when she wakes. With a soft sigh, she stretches lazily, her body aching in the most delicious way. The baby kicks gently, and she is soon reminded of her early morning activity. She smiles, unable to help herself because right now she is so fucking happy. "Hello," she whispers to the baby, her smile widening at the movements going on in her uterus. Eventually she pulls herself out of bed, showers and makes herself an omelette. At a loss with what to do with herself, she looks around the packed up house restlessly. True to his word, Jax has found them a house, almost a fucking palace compared to this one. Five bedrooms and three bathrooms.

("Five bedrooms?" she had asked incredulously. "I thought we agreed on four."

"You deserve the best, and I intend to give it to you-"

"But five bedrooms? What are we going to do with all that space?"

Jax smirks. "Well, we could always fill it with another Teller."

For a dreadful moment she thinks that he's speaking of his mother living with them, and then it hits her. "You want to have another baby? _Another_?"

"Why not?"

Tara splutters for a moment before replying, "Because I'm still carrying the third one and you're already talking about Teller number 4!"

"So?"

"I'm not a bloody brooding mare Jax-"

He laughed then and pressed a kiss to her lips. "Look. I'm not going to apologize for knowing what I want. I want a family with you, and if you don't want more kids, that's okay. I'm more that happy with three. But if you ever want more, well, I won't complain."

Tara had stared for a long while before replying, "If, and it's a very big if, we had another one, I would want to wait a few years. And I'm definitely not saying yes Jackson. Jesus it's like you want me to be eternally fat."

In the end he got his way, and he didn't wipe that damn smug smirk off his face for two days straight.)

Beautifully decorated thanks to the prospects. They're due to move in a week, and though she had fallen in love with the place the moment she walked through the doors, she can't help but feel sad at the prospect of leaving their tiny home. Though so much heartache had occurred within these walls, she had created her family here and she would forever have a special place in her heart for this house.

With nothing else to do, she calls Neeta, frowning briefly when the call goes straight to voicemail. Leaving a message, she squashes down her worry and tries calling Jax but his goes straight to voicemail too. "Call me," she demands into the phone as she looks around restlessly for something to take her mind off of Neeta and Thomas. But all she can see are boxes and damn if she's not going to stop worrying until she knows where her baby is. Grabbing her keys, she drives around town aimlessly, stops by Neeta's empty house and finally stops at the clubhouse.

Nodding at Chucky, she pays no attention to his panicked expression as he flails his arms about and rushes to intercept her. "Tara!" he calls desperately, but she doesn't hear him, all thoughts on the missing Thomas and Neeta. She knows that she's being silly, but she has to know where her boys are all the time.

She walks into the bar, not registering the way Tig's eyes widen or the blond croweater he's serving a drink to.

"Hey, Tig? Have you seen Neeta, I can't get a hold of-"

She cuts herself off when the blond turns around and any thoughts of Neeta and Thomas fly from her mind. There's a flash of surprise on her face as she meets Tara's astonished eyes. Hands curling into fists, her smile is feral as she gazes upon the woman whose face is ingrained in her memory.

Tig jumps away from Colette as if she has the plague and comes around the bar with a worried smile. "Hey doll. Hows it going-"

"Colette, I presume?" she interrupts, not sparing Tig a glance. Tara holds out her hand with a viscous smile. "I didn't have the chance to introduce myself the first time that we met. I'm Tara, Jax's wife."

"Oh shit," she hears Tig mutter and the telltale sound of his phone being flipped open and hastily dialing a number. She would bet her annual salary that he's calling her husband.

The bewildered blond takes her hand and shakes it. "Hello," she murmurs, all the while looking at Tara suspiciously. She takes a seat next to Colette, her eyes taking the other woman in. "Yes, now that awkward introductions are out of the way, I think it's time for you to leave."

"I'm here to see Jax," Colette replies, not missing a beat.

"No you're not. If Jax wishes to discuss business with you, then he is free to contact you at his discretion. But you do not step place in this clubhouse where my children play or where my family live. You will have no part of my life, and like it or not, this club is. Get out."

Colette takes a sip of her drink, and smiles at Tara coolly. "I'm sorry, Tara. But I simply can't leave until I have spoken to Jax. Besides, you are not a member of the club, you're an Old Lady." Her eyes linger on Tara's belly and her smile widens. "You have no authority here honey. I don't have to do a damn thing you say."

Tara stands, and shakes her head at Tig as he tries to interrupt. He scowls at her but remains still. She notices the prospects hanging around, shooting her curious looks. Her eyes land on Oliver for a moment, his sweet face sending her a nervous smile. There's some truth to Colette's words. Old Ladies don't have any say in club matters, and Colette is part of their business. But she's forgotten one thing. She's Jackson Teller's Old Lady, the President of this club.

And now that Gemma's out of the picture, she's Queen.

"You don't know what you're talking about sweetheart. It's true, I am an Old Lady. But I am Jackson Teller's Old Lady. I have known some of these men for half of my life. I'm a doctor whose patched up the men of this club and with one word from me, you will be chucked out.

"You were nothing but a pawn in Jax's goal to hurt me in the only way he knows how. I'm not going to stand here and threaten you to stay away from my husband, because you don't even register on his radar sweetheart. But I can promise you that if you presume to get in my way again then you will be finding a new place to get paid for sucking dick."

Colette narrows her eyes. "You can't do that-"

"Yes I can," Tara snaps, her impatience finally shining through. "One word from me and Jax will have you replaced by the end of the day, and you will be going back to your street corner with the rest of the crank whores." She runs a hand across her belly and smiles sweetly. "Jax is just so attentive now that we're back together, especially now that we have another baby on the way. I'm sure that he will he happy to do anything that I ask. Watch your step sweetheart, or you're going to be losing that cozy room of yours."

The roar of motorcycles can be heard as they come down the street, but Tara pays them no mind. Her eyes are glued to the washed out woman in front of her and she thinks how could this woman have ever been a threat to her? Tara gives her points for not standing down as so many others had back when she had to fight women to show them who Jackson Teller belonged to, but she knows that she has won.

The roar of the bikes come closer.

She ignores them. "It's time for you to leave," Tara hisses once more.

Colette doesn't back down. "I was doing my job. I was not in a position to say no, and nor would I say no if he came back to me again," she says with a hint of steel in her voice. "He's quite something, isn't he?" she whispers, as if they are two friends sharing the secret of Jackson Teller. Her eyes flash and she smirks cruelly. "That look in his eye when he's inside of you, it makes a girl feel like she's his entire world."

One moment she is standing in next to the blond and then the next she has her hands wrapped in Colette's hair and is smashing her face against the bar. Tig's calling her name and the Prospects rush to stop her but it's too late. The sickening crunch of her nose as it breaks and the accompanying scream is the sweetest sound in the world. Croweaters she can deal with, but this skank is on a whole other level. "Fucking whore," Tara hisses, bringing the blond's head back up ready to fuck up the bitch's face even more when strong hands pull her back.

"Let go of me," she hisses, never taking her eyes off of the bleeding skank in front of her as Tig shoots Tara an impressed look before cooing over the crying Colette. Struggling to free herself from her captor, she goes still when it's Jax's voice in her ear hissing, "For fucks sake Tara stop!"

She hears the voices of Jax's brothers around her but she pays them no heed. Her fists shake in anger and she aches to go after Colette again but then Jax is spinning her around and forcing her to look at him. He's angry. All clenched jaw an hard eyes. 

And she's pretty sure that he's angry at her.

"Make sure she doesn't go to the cops," he growls at Tig. Nodding seriously, he waits until Jax's back is turned before sending her a smirk and a wink before going to tend to his new found charge. Jax takes her hand and leads her to his room and slams the door shut. He stares at her with wild eyes.

"I didn't know that she would be here Tara. I swear. Tig deals with her now, I haven't seen her since-"

"Shut up," Tara growls, before pressing her lips to his roughly. For a moment he is lost to her touch, the warmth of her mouth on his and the hard press of her lips. He welcomes her touch eagerly, his hands clutching onto her ever disappearing waist and pulls her against his hard body. Curling her fingers into blond locks, Tara tugs his head back and hisses, "I don't give a shit who you've fucked in the past. No fucking more. You are mine. Do you hear me?" Not giving him chance to answer, she claims his mouth once more, swallowing his groan. Sliding his cut off with quick hands, she pops the button of his jeans and is sliding her hand down the waistband of his boxers when suddenly he wrenches himself away from her.

Looking at her incredulously, he growls, "What the fuck Tara? Two minutes ago you were pounding a woman's face into the bar and the now you suddenly want to fuck me? What the hell are you playing at?"

Aching to touch him once more, she curls her hands into fists and lifts a condensing eyebrow. "Proving a point," she replies simply.

"Which is?" he demands, pulling up his jeans and scowling at her.

"That you are mine," she replies, anger curling deep in her belly.

Jax snorts in disgust and moves away from her, as if he can't even stand to be next to her. "You don't have to smash bitches faces into the fucking bar Tara!" he shouts. "I have always been fucking yours, how much longer is it going to take you to get that into your dense skull? Jesus fucking Christ. You're pregnant Tara! You can't go around picking fights with people. What if she hit you back huh? What if she hit you in the stomach?"

"Maybe if I could walk into a room without there being one woman my husband hasn't fucked then I wouldn't have to pick a fight with them," Tara shouts back.

"I have apologized over and over again. What the fuck do you want from me Tara?"

That brings her up short. He's right, she realizes in surprise. She already has everything she wants. The club is safe. She has her boys, her baby and she has him.

Abruptly all of her anger disappears and the fight leaves her. Jax's eyes soften and he takes a tentative step towards her and then she's flinging herself into his arms and does her absolute best not to burst into tears.

"I'm sorry," he whispers against her hair, pressing a hard kiss to the top of her head. "When I heard that scream I almost fucking died Tara."

"No, no you don't have to apologize," she says softly. "I'm sorry I scared you. She just.."

"What?"

Tara swallows tightly. "She just got to me. I'm not hardest person to wind up-" Jax snorts but she ignores him. "And you know. Hormones. But I shouldn't have to be fighting women because of you Jax. And I'm not going to do it anymore. You are mine, and if a wedding ring and three kids don't send the message, then I don't see how me smacking them one helps the matter."

"You don't trust me," he states, his voice void of emotion.

Blinking back tears, Tara takes his face into his hands and forces him to look at her. "I want to trust you, and I believe you when you say that you won't touch another woman." Pressing a soft kiss to his lips, she whispers, "I'm trying Jax. Just give us some time."

Tucking her face against his neck, they stay curled up against one another for a while. She breathes in the familiar scent of him and forces herself to calm down. Because this? Jax and Tara? They were forever. Life could throw all kinds of shit at them, but this time she is determined to have him at her side no matter what.

Jax snorts making her look up at him curiously. "Does that mean your cat fighting days are over?"

"Yes."

Looking almost mournful, he says seriously, "Well, maybe you could have one last go and maybe we could video it, cause seeing you 'staking your claim' is one hell of a turn on-"

Making a noise of disgust, she hits him in the chest. "You absolute ass!" she cries, struggling to contain her laughter.

Mouth twitching into a smile, Jax pulls her into a hug and mutters into her hair, "Damn shame though, you've got one hell of a right hook."

She laughs, punching him in the arm for good measure when her phone starts to ring. A relieved smile flutters onto her face when she sees Neeta's picture flash across the screen. "Neeta, where have you been?" she says as soon as she answers. "I've been calling you for-"

"Please tell me he's with you," Neeta cries, her sobs making her words almost unintelligible. "Please, tell me you have got Thomas-"

Clutching the phone tightly in her hand, Tara holds onto Jax with her free hand and forces herself to breathe. "What are you talking about Neeta?"

"Thomas! I-I can't find him. Somebody hit me in the back of the head and knocked me out. T-they've taken him, Tara. T-they've taken Thomas!"

The phone drops from her hand and she's gasping for breath. She vaguely registers Jax asking her what's going on, is she okay? She opens her mouth to tell him but no words come out because she just can't do it again, tell him that his son is missing. He picks up the phone and is demanding Neeta to tell him what the _fuck_ is happening. And she sees it in his eyes, the exact second he realizes that it's all happening once more. He's shouting for his brothers, demanding Neeta to go over every little detail and there's movement all around her but she is numb to it all because her only thought is that once again she has failed her baby boy.

_Thomas, where are you?_


	12. Chapter 12

There was a time when she thought that being a surgeon was her entire world. The high that she feels as she stands over a patient knowing that their life is entirely in the palm of her hands is a euphoria that no drug can ever hope to replicate. She was content with that life, a little lonely but she was happy with the knowledge that she had a purpose in this life. Growing up in Charming, she hadn’t felt that, even during those first years with Jax, she had been little more than Jackson Teller’s girl. Despite loving him more than her young heart could cope with, she had needed more. 

And boy did she get it. Little Tara Knowles with the drunk daddy and the biker boyfriend became a surgeon much to everyone’s surprise. She may have lost the boy that she loved in the process, but she made a difference in the world. 

And yet, even after letting Jax back into her heart and caring for Abel as best as she knew how, she had never felt complete until Thomas was placed in her arms, his little face screwed up as his tiny lungs let out a cry to rival any other baby she’d heard in her career. The overwhelming love and protectiveness she’d felt for the tiny creature in her arms was unlike anything she had ever felt in her entire life and she knew that her entire world had changed. 

She was a mother. Being a surgeon and Jax’s Old Lady wasn’t enough for her anymore. 

She had loved Abel before, but it wasn’t until Thomas was born that she understood just how much more she had to give. The weak woman who had cowered away from the knife in Cameron Hayes hands as he ripped a child from her arms died the moment she gave birth to her baby boy. 

Abel, Thomas and the child in her womb own a part of her heart that even Jackson Teller cannot steal. 

She will die before she loses any of them. 

_But what if it’s already too late-_

The words slide through her mind, vicious and unwelcome pouring over every coherent thought and suffocating her until she’s fighting for breath. 

_It can’t be too late-_

A panicked sob escapes her throat as darkness looms at the edge of her vision, the blackness tempting her with the promise of peace.

“Tara?” His voice breaks through the ringing her ears and she does her best to blink away the looming darkness. Strong hands grip her shoulders and she feels herself being pushed gently onto a chair. Jax’s concerned face comes into focus and she wonders what she must look like to him right now. 

_Useless. Weak. Can barely breathe let alone protect her son-_

They are in the clubhouse surrounded by his brothers, each wearing an expression of grim determination. She can vaguely hear Chibs in the background barking out orders as Bobby talks quietly on the phone with August Marks.

“I can’t breathe,” she gasps, her hands fluttering uselessly at her throat. 

“Look at me,” Jax commands gently, his worried blue eyes fixed firmly on hers. “Breathe, baby.”

Her fingers curl around his shirt. “I can’t-”

“Yes you can. Thomas needs you to be strong.” He takes her free hand and presses it against her belly. “The baby needs you to be strong.”

“The baby,” she whispers, sucking in a sharp, painful breath. She cannot fall apart, not right now when she has another child relying on her.

_Can’t even protect her sons, what chance does a daughter have with a mother like her-_

“I got you baby,” he whispers, his eyes glued to hers. “Take all the time you need.” His gentle voice soothes her aching heart and chases away her poisonous thoughts. Her heartbeat slows down, her breathing becoming steady once more as she focuses on the simple act of taking in air and releasing it. 

“Abel,” she manages to say through numb lips. “Is he-”

“Abel’s at school,” Jax says, not looking away from her. “I’ve already checked.” He pushes her hair out of her face and cradles her face in his hands. “I've got this okay?” His thumbs swipe at her cheekbones. She can see how scared he is, but despite his fear he is searching for their son whilst she is a quivering mess who cannot get a grip on her emotions. “He's going to be fine Tara,” Jax promises, and she wants nothing more than to believe him, for this to be some fucked up mistake and they can get back to their life where violence and death doesn’t eclipse every moment of their day. 

But she knows better now. Their life will never be all sunshine and rainbows, and she knows to always expect the worst.

“I'm alright,” Tara whispers, reaching for his hands and holding them in her lap. He looks at her in doubt so she squeezes his hand in reassurance. “I promise. Just find him.”

He presses a lingering kiss to her lips and with one more long look he turns to Rat and barks, “Get Alverez on the phone, and then call Barosky.”

It still surprises her sometimes that he can transform from loving husband to the ruthless leader of the Sons of Anarchy. It used to scare her, seeing him so cold and and without mercy. Now it brings a warped kind of comfort to her, knowing that he has the power to find their son. This is not like last time. She is not the woman taped to a chair and Jax is not the man who blamed her for letting his son be taken. 

She has never been more thankful that her husband can be a cold blooded killer when he needs to be until this moment.

“It doesn’t make any sense,” Happy mutters to Jax, his voice low but the words travel to Tara’s ears easily. “We ain’t got beef with anyone. Are you sure that this is club related Pres?”

Tara stares long and hard at her husband as he replies, “I’m sure. I haven’t-”

“Marks hasn’t heard anything,” Bobby says interrupts. He shoots her a reassuring look. “He’s got eyes everywhere. They won’t get far.”

Tara closes her eyes and sucks in a breath. Bobby lays a heavy hand on her shoulder and squeezes gently. “Stay strong sweetheart,” he mutters, but her thoughts are already elsewhere. 

Surly Gemma wouldn’t stoop so low as to kidnap her own grandson?

Except that she knows Gemma. Knows the burning need she possesses to control her son and to raise her grandsons in her own way.

The baby kicks and she runs a hand over the spot absently. _You will not know how it feels to be ripped away from my arms. I promise._

“Call Nero,” Jax snaps at Chibs with an edge to his voice. “See if he’s heard anything. Tig call Gemma. She can go get Abel from school.”

That finally cracks through her stupor.

“Are you serious?” Tara says quietly, though Jax seems to hear her anyway through the noise of the bar. He’s at her side in a flash, his tired eyes tight with worry.

“What’s wrong? Is it the baby?”

“No but there’s something seriously wrong with your head if you think that your mother is going anywhere near Abel.”

Jax’s jaw clenches, but his voice is soft as he replies, “School will be over soon. Neeta’s gone to hospital and I can’t spare a guy to go. It’s just this once.”

“Then I’ll go.”

“You can barely stand!” he snaps, his impatience shining through. “Gemma can pick him up. Tig call her.”

“Don't you dare!” she snaps at Tig. Shooting Jax a glance, he snaps his phone closed slowly.

Jax turns on her, his face set in stone as he replies, “We need her-”

“No, you need her,” Tara snaps, pushing herself to her feet with little grace. “It doesn’t matter that you’re the President of the Sons of Anarchy. You have gangs at your beck and call yet you still run back to your mother when you’re in trouble.” 

“Erm guys, am I calling her or not?” Tig interrupts with trepidation.

“No!” Tara cries the same time Jax growls, “Yes!”

“This is why I’m never getting married again,” Tig mumbles to Chibs who snorts in agreement.

Jax glares at her. “Look, I know that you’re worried but I’ll find him, I promise. My mom-”

“Your mother is a washed up old bag who can’t let go of her son. The fact that my badass biker needs his mother to tell him what to do-”

“Enough,” Jax breathes, his eyes flashing dangerously. Their gazes lock, his blindly furious. His eyes flick around the room and he hisses, “Get out.” No one dares to defy his command as his brothers and the hangarounds start to shuffle out of the room.

Tara smiles grimly. “No. Let them stay and hear all about how Jackson Teller is once again going to hide behind his mother’s skirts. What’s next? Do you want to drown yourself in Jack, weed and pussy for the next week until you feel a little better?” She wants to take back the words as soon as she’s said them, but it’s too late. Jax recoils from her as though she’s slapped him. 

No one present dares to utter a word. Jax’s jaw twitches and she can see the effort he is making to reign in his anger. He runs a hand through his hair and clenches his hands into fists. “Shit Tara why are you doing this now? Our son is missing and you want to bring up ancient fucking history-”

“You promised me that they would be safe!” Tara snaps, pushing him away. Jax stumbles, catching himself on the edge of the bar. “You promised!” The look on his face breaks her heart, but all she can think about is Thomas and how scared he must be and of Abel and how useless she feels once again. “If anything happens to him, it’s on you.”

“That’s not fair.”

“We should have left this place when we had the chance, but you made us stay.” 

Jax’s eyes flash in anger and suddenly he’s in front of her once more, curling his fingers tight around her shoulders. “I told you to go! I gave you so many chances and you didn’t take it,” Jax spits out furiously, his face inches from hers. “You chose to stay here too. Whatever happens, this is on the both of us.” 

Tara blinks away her tears but to no avail and says softly, “I stayed because we were supposed to be able to protect them.” 

Jax’s fingers go lax against her as the anger drains out of him. Tara clenches her jaw to prevent the sob trapped in her throat from escaping. 

“Alright that's enough,” says Chibs, his accent thick with trepidation. “Ye both need to take a minute here-”

Tara ignores him as she takes Jax’s hand in hers and squeezes with all of their strength. A sheen of tears clouds his eyes as he stares down at her, his terror finally shining through. 

“Chibs,” Jax rasps, his eyes flicking to his VP. The Scotsman ceases his lecture and stares long and hard at Jax, taking in his barely contained emotions. “Call Lyla, ask her to pick up Abel. Quinn, meet her there and stay with the kid no matter what.” Quinn tilts his head in acknowledgement. Tara does not know the man very well, but it soothes her fears a bit knowing that he will be protecting Abel.

Jax turns back to Chibs, but the Scotsman speaks first. “Go,” he says simply. “I got this brother.”

Nodding his thanks, Jax tugs at her hand and leads her away, not turning to meet the sympathetic eyes of his brothers as takes her down the hall and into his room. 

He pulls her into his arms as soon as the outside world is shut out and buries his face against her shoulder. There’s a hitch to his breathing and the wetness on her skin breaks her heart. She can count the number of times she has seen Jax cry on one hand, and seeing him break is the last straw. Her own tears come then, and she finally releases the sob that has wanted to escape since the moment she found out Thomas has been taken. His arms tighten around her and she clings to his shirt with all of her strength. 

_It’s different this time,_ she reminds herself. _They are different._ Jax could barely look at her, let alone seek comfort in her arms. Clay isn’t here to whisper his poison into Jax’s ear, and Gemma isn’t here with her silent scorn and judgement. Ima is a distant memory, Salazar is dead and there’s no secret baby this time around. They are together, and she is determined to fight this battle and any future ones by his side.

After all of this time, she has finally realized that they are stronger together than apart. 

“I’m sorry,” she whispers after a while, once her sobs have stopped and his tears have dried. Shame claws at her throat, her earlier words sounding cruel and unforgivable even to her own ears.

“Me too,” he whispers back. “I didn’t mean it-”

“Yes you did. Every word is true. If anything ever happens to any of our children, it’s always going to be our fault because we’re supposed to protect them.” 

Jax cradles her face in his hands and swipes away her tears with the calloused pads of his thumbs. “We have to stop blaming each other when shit hits the fan Tara,” he says gently.

“I know. Tell me that we’re going to be alright,” she whispers. “Tell me that we can make this work.”

“Hey,” he whispers, tightening his hold on her. “Where’s this coming from?”

Swallowing against the lump in her throat, she says, “What if one day loving each other isn’t enough for all of the shit that keeps happening to us?”

“Stop second guessing us babe. You and me, we’re written in the stars or some shit.” She smiles despite herself. “You and me, we can get through anything.” He smiles sheepishly back at her. “And just for the record, the only pussy I want to drown myself in is yours.” 

A tearful laugh escapes her. Her fingers curl in Jax’s hair, pushing away the hair that falls into his face. His blue eyes look down at her, and he looks so much like his sons in that moment it takes her breath away. 

“I get jealous sometimes,” she begins. Jax snorts. “About the boys,” she insists, unable to stop herself smiling. “They look so much like you.”

Jax offers her a small smile. “Maybe you will have more luck with this one.”

“Maybe.” She pauses, thinking back on Happy’s words. “Do you think this is retaliation for the club?” 

Jax pulls away from her and sits on his bed, looking as though he has the weight of the world on his shoulders. He shakes his head and presses the heel of his hands to his eyes. “I don’t see why it would be,” he admits. “The club is clean Tara-”

“So it’s personal?”

Jax hesitates. “I don’t know,” he says tiredly. 

Tara tries to keep her voice neutral as she says, “Do you think your mother-”

“No.”

“Jax,” she pleads. “Be reasonable.”

But Jax shakes his head. “She wouldn’t do this. This is too far even for her.”

Tara’s lips curl in disdain. “How can you be so sure?”

Jax doesn’t reply for a moment, and she knows that he can’t be sure of anything concerning Gemma. He’s too close to this, and it doesn’t matter what she says, she knows that he will refuse to see what his mother has become. “Look, let me look into things first with the club. Maybe this is to do with the Irish again.” 

He trails off, getting lost in old memories and the horror that Cameron Hayes and the IRA inflicted in their lives. 

“Don’t shut me out,” Tara says quietly, coming to sit next to him on the bed. 

Shaking himself, Jax turns to her gravely and takes her hand. “Okay. Don’t run away.”

Swallowing tightly, she replies, “Okay.”

He squeezes her hand tightly. “I need you to stay here.”

Tara reels back in shock. “I am not staying here whilst my son is missing,” she says incredulously.

Jax’s jaw clenches. “Jesus Christ. You’re six months pregnant Tara. The doctor said no stress, and this whole fucking day has just been one hell of a mess. You’re staying here if I have to tie you to the bed.”

“I’m fine-”

“No you’re not,” he snaps. “I can’t go out there and do what I have to do to bring Thomas back and worry about you. I need you to be safe.”

“Alright,” Tara replies quietly. “I’ll stay here.”

Jax looks at her long and hard, but his shoulders relax slightly at her words. “Thank you.” He turns away from her. “I should go. You may not like what I have to do-”

She lays a hand on his cheek and forces him to look at her. “Go. And just for the record, I don’t care if you have to tear this town apart and kill everyone in it until the streets of Charming run with their blood. Find him.” 

He looks at her, his eyes hardening at her words. Jax presses a bruising kiss to her lips. “I’ll find him,” he promises, and then he’s gone.

She waits until she can hear the distant rumbling of the bikes before Tara pulls out her phone and dials a familiar number. 

_Please forgive me Jax._

She answers on the second ring.

“Didn’t think that I would be hearing from you anytime soon.”

“Cut that bullshit Gemma. Where the fuck is my son?”


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am the worst. Honestly. I hate authors like me. I take way too long to update, and when I finally do, it's with this rubbish. But this needs to happen so we can get to the good stuff. Thank you all so much for your patience. I hope to have the next chapter out in a few days.
> 
> Again, I'm the worst. Sorry.

There’s a long silence between the two women that is filled with raging hostility on both sides. It’s the first time they have spoken in months, though it hasn’t been long enough in Tara’s opinion. The memory of her fists hitting Gemma’s skin is one that equally shames her and humors her.

“I don’t know what you mean,” the former queen replies smoothly.

“My son,” Tara bites out, her voice shaking with rage. “This is sick even for you. After everything we went through with Abel, how twisted can you be to do this to us-”

“Tara,” Gemma interrupts, her voice dry with impatience. “I don’t know what the fuck you’re going on about.”

“Tell me that you have Thomas. If you ever want any kind of relationship with your grandsons, you need to bring him back before this gets entirely out of hand.”

There’s a sharp intake of breath from Gemma, and though her suspicions do not fade completely for she knows Gemma far too well, a sob builds in Tara’s throat as she comes to the conclusion that perhaps Gemma really is innocent this time.

“Thomas is missing?” Gemma demands, her voice shaking.

Tara doesn’t reply. She gingerly lowers herself to Jax’s bed and presses her free hand firmly to her mouth to muffle her sobs. Gemma’s shrill voice echoes in her ear, but all her words are lost to Tara. She had been so sure, hoped even that her son was with Gemma because that meant that he was safe. But now-

“Tara! Tell me what’s happening,” Gemma snaps.

“N-Neeta was attacked. Thomas has been taken-”

“Did you call the cops?” she demands, suddenly all business. The thought had not even crossed her mind. She wonders what it says about her when her first thought was to let a motorcycle club find her abducted child rather than the local law enforcement.

“No. Jax is handling it.”

“Good. The cops only get in the way. Jax will do what needs to be done.”

There’s a terse silence before Gemma says, “This is why they should be with their family. They need protection from the club-”

“They’re little boys,” Tara snaps, her irritation soon coming center forward due to this woman’s need to insult her even now. “They don’t need gang members following them around when they go to the park.”

“Well obviously they do seeing as my grandson has gone missing again! None of this would ever have happened if they had been with me instead of with an elderly woman!”

Tara snorts. “You’re an elderly woman.”

“One who knows how to use a gun sweetheart. Those boys need to be with family, with their mother. You should be at home more-”

Tara rolls her eyes to the heavens and wills herself to have more patience. “Are you seriously going to insult my parenting skills at a time like this? I am a good mother. I’m a fucking doctor. You should be proud that your grandchildren have a good role model as their mother, not some junkie with a needle stuck in her arm.” She takes a breath and tries to get back on point. “Jax says the club is clean. I think this is personal.”

There’s a long silence. “Tara, I swear that I have had no part in this. I know that we have our differences, but I wouldn’t put my son through this again.”

Tara considers her words and the honest tone of her voice. “If you’re lying to me-”

“I’m not,” Gemma insists, her voice thick with tears. “Listen to me. I would never hurt my babies-”

“You have before,” Tara replies harshly, her mind wondering back to the phone call she had received from the hospital telling her that her children had been in a car accident followed by the revelation it was because their grandmother was high. 

“Not intentionally,” Gemma replies quietly.

“Then there’s only one other person that I can think of,” Tara says absently, cursing herself for not thinking of her sooner.

Gemma swears. “Wendy.”

“Yes, Wendy.”

“Now isn’t a time to be weak,” Gemma is quick to say, her voice carrying over the sound of her slamming a car door and the purr of an engine. “Tara, you know what has to be done about this bitch-”

Tara hangs up the phone before Gemma utters another word. She stands on steady legs and heads into the bar with quick feet. It’s empty apart from a few of the hang arounds, though none dare to speak to her as she grabs her bag and heads outside to her car. She has little time before her mother in law comes bursting in with her guns at the ready. She gets in and clutches the steering wheel, Gemma’s words repeating themselves over and over. 

Would she be able to do it, actually kill someone in cold blood? If her son was in danger, she wouldn’t hesitate to put a bullet in Wendy’s skull. But would she be able to look Abel in the eye everyday, all the while knowing that it was her who killed his birth mother, the woman who gave him life, just to secure her position in Abel’s life?

She knows the answer. She always has. She would do anything for her sons, but they deserve better than having a cold blooded murderer as their mother. She looks at her husband and can’t help but wonder how different would he be if his mother wasn’t a complete psycho and his father a brutal man who dragged him into a life of crime. 

She has long since known that she is not Gemma, just as Jax is not John or Clay. She is determined that they will not follow down their paths of self destruction, and her children will never have another man’s blood on their hands. 

With shaking hands she reaches for her phone and dials Jax’s number.

He answers on the third ring. “Tara I haven’t-”

“It’s Wendy.”

There’s a long pause. “Babe?”

“If it’s personal it has to be Wendy,” Tara says quickly. “That’s why you haven’t been able to find any leads. This isn’t retaliation. She's the only one Jax! Your mother is out of the question, and seeing as Colette was at the clubhouse, that rules her out. Wendy’s been sniffing around Abel. She knows that she hasn't got any legal chance of getting him back so of course she’s going to resort to something like this. With Abel at school she's got no chance of snatching him, but Thomas-”

“She can get to easily,” Jax finishes, his voice hard as he realises their mistake. “We've always been so worried that she would go after Abel we never gave Thomas a second thought. Fuck-”

Tara starts the car and pulls out of the lot. “I'm going to check her place out. Hopefully she's too stupid to go elsewhere-”

“The fuck you are,” Jax interrupts, his voice leaving no room for argument. “Go home.”

“I am not going to sit around waiting.”

“We agreed that I would handle this-”

“That was before I found out that Wendy Nut Case took my son,” Tara snaps. “I can handle Wendy. You can't.“

“I was married to her! I think I have more experience with her-”

“The last time you saw each other you jammed a needle into her arm!”

“And you said that you would slit her throat!” Jax snaps impatiently. “Listen. Wendy has few friends and fewer places to hide. I got this. Please Tara. Go home. I can't deal with this and be worrying about you too.”

Tara opens her mouth to argue, but there’s a soft nudge against her belly, as if to remind her of the child growing in her belly, and she knows that he’s right. Though it goes against every cell in her body, she agrees. “Alright. I’ll go home. Be safe baby.”

“Always am.”

She has to suppress a snort of disbelief at that. “Go get our son Jax.”

She hangs up and heads home. The journey seems to take twice as long as usual. The street is quiet as she pulls up. Noticing how dark it’s getting, she grabs her phone once again and calls Lyla.

“Hey Lyla-”

“Oh my God Tara! Have you found Thomas?”

“No,” she replies. "I just - can I talk to Abel? I need to hear his voice-”

“Of course,” the other girl replies softly. She hears Lyla shouting for Abel, followed by a muffled conversation before she hears her baby's voice.

“Hi Mommy!” he shouts, his voice bringing tears to her eyes.

Tara clears her throat. “Hey baby, hows your day been?” Abel launches into a tale of his epic school day, and though her heart is yearning to have him in her arms, she forces herself to listen and reply in all of the right places.

“When can I come home mommy?” Abel asks.

She swallows tightly. “Not yet baby. In a little while.”

“Oh,” the little boy responds. “Are you alright mommy?”

“I’m perfect. I have to go now baby. I love you, Abel.”

“I love you too Mommy,” Abel replies happily, completely oblivious to the latest turmoil affecting his family. 

Tara sucks in a shaky breath and wipes at her eyes. She climbs out of the car and heads inside. “Can you put Lyla back on the phone for me?”

“Okay Mommy. Bye bye.”

Tara tosses her bag to the side and slams the door shut. 

Lyla’s voice flutters through the phone. “Can I help with anything Tara?”

“You’re already doing enough. Thank you for everything Lyla.”

“It’s not a problem, really,” the other woman offers kindly. She still feels a slither of guilt every time she remembers how she first treated Lyla because of her profession. There are few women as kind as Lyla in this wretched town.

“I’ll come pick him up soon-”

There’s a creak of a floorboard in the kitchen followed by a quiet whimper.

“Lyla,” Tara says softly. “Call Jax. There’s someone in my house.”


	14. Chapter 14

"Tara? What-"

"Lyla, call Jax," Tara whispers urgently.

"Don't go in there Tara, wait for the guys-"

Tara hangs up and carefully reaches for her bag. Her heart is beating frantically against her chest, memories of a time when a man held a knife to Abel's throat and all she could do was cower on the floor flash before her.

But that woman died the moment she became a mother. Her fingers curl around the gun and tucks it into the waistband of her jeans and pulls her jacket over it. For all of her morals, she will easily gun down the man or woman who dares to hurt her child without losing a wink of sleep. She sucks in a small breath and forces herself into the kitchen.

Her heart aches at the sight of Thomas wrapped in the arms of the woman who Jax chose to marry. His cheeks are flushed, a smile on his face as Wendy cooes at him. She swallows tightly. This could have been Wendy's life if she had never come back to Charming, she realizes. Jax could have gotten back together with Wendy, made sure she stayed clean and eventually had another baby.

But she came back, and she has the life that Wendy wanted with Jackson Teller. Pity stirs in her stomach for the woman. She remembers hearing the news that Jax had gotten married and the drunken weekend that followed. No amount of alcohol in the world could fix her broken heart. But learning that he was going to have a child with someone, that was what broke her. It felt wrong, gut wrenching. She knew then even after all of those years of not seeing him, it should have been her who wore his ring, who had his babies.

She has been in Wendy's shoes before. She has known what life is like without Jax.

But this? This is too far.

Tara walks into the kitchen intending to snatch her son from Wendy's arms, but her eyes land on the gun sitting on the counter and she freezes. "Give me back my son," Tara demands softly. Thomas looks up at the sound of her voice and smiles, the few teeth that he has flashing proudly at her. "Mama!" he cries happily, reaching out a chubby hand towards her. She tries to muster up a soothing smile for him, but she's sure it comes out as a grimace as her keen eyes assess him head to toe. A weight lifts of her shoulders as she realises that he's unharmed.

But then her eyes flick to Wendy, and dread fills her once more. She has to stifle a gasp that threatens to erupt from her as she takes in her haggard appearance, the sickly hue of her skin to the track marks decorating her arms. She's like a skeleton, the once beautiful face marked with lines of exhaustion and desperation.

Wendy jumps out of her skin. She reaches for the gun with clumsy fingers and whirls around, the gun pointed firmly at Tara. "Why are you in my house?" Wendy cries in panic, her fingers tightening around the gun. "Get out!"

Terror runs through her, but she forces herself to remain calm. Putting a bullet into the woman was out of the question. She doesn't want to kill the woman who brought Abel into the world, plus she isn't that great of a shot. She couldn't possibly take the risk with Thomas in her arms.

Her eyes linger on the gun in Wendy's shaking hand. There's a good chance that Wendy doesn't even know how to use the gun. Fighting her would be a last resort. With her extra weight and the child in her belly to think about, she's not sure that she would be able to win, even with Wendy in her current state.

Swallowing tightly, she realises that her only option is to talk to the unhinged woman until she either saw sense or until Jax got here.

"Wendy, you don't live here anymore," Tara says. "This is Jax's house."

Wendy shakes her head and holds Thomas closer to her. "That he bought for me, for our family," she replies in a shaking voice. "The one that you stole from me!"

"Give me back by son," Tara says softly, not wanting to startle Thomas. The child seems calm enough with Wendy, but she doesn't want to scare him.

"I'm Abel's mother," Wendy whispers. "Leave us be."

"Wendy," Tara says gently, going against every instinct in her body telling her to snatch her baby away from this lunatic and run. "That's Thomas. Abel isn't here-"

"Isn't he beautiful?" Wendy interrupts, running the back of her hand that's holding gun through the child's soft hair. Thomas leans into her touch and giggles. Tears sting her eyes at the sight, panic almost overwhelming her at the gun so close to Thomas.

"He is mine."

Wendy turns her eyes to her and she can tell from the dream like state that she's in that she's high.

"Wendy, please listen to me. That's Thomas. He's nothing to you. You're Abel's mother. Look at him! He's just a baby. Abel's five now, he goes to school. He's learning to read, he can count up to ten. You've seen him!"

Wendy looks down at Thomas, though her eyes are far away. "Thomas. He's Thomas."

"Yes! You need to give him to me before you scare him, he needs me-"

Wendy looks at her incredulously. "Just like Abel needs me. I'm his mother. You just said so yourself."

Tara swallows, and though the words make her want to break into tears, she forces herself to say, "Yes, Abel does need you. I was wrong before. You should be in his life. Give me back Thomas, and we can talk about involving you more-"

"No. I'm his mother," Wendy says firmly. "I don't want to be just involved in his life, visiting him when you and Jax say it's okay. I want him to live with me. Jax can see him when I tell him it's okay. And you? You won't ever see him again."

"You can't even look after yourself!" Tara snaps. She takes a step closer but freezes when Wendy points the gun at her once more. "How can you possibly look after a little boy?"

"I'll get clean. I've done it before-"

"And you've gone straight back to jamming a needle into your arm the moment you can't handle living in the real world!" Tara spits.

"Because you put me under pressure, Jax forced me-"

"You made your own choices Wendy. Don't blame others because you're a weak ass bitch."

Wendy shakes her head. "I-"

"Do you honestly think that raising Abel alone will be easy? You won't be able to cope-"

"I don't care!" Wendy shouts. "I'll trade you. Abel for Thomas. My son for yours."

"They are both my sons. It takes a whole lot more than carrying a child inside of your body for nine months to be a mother Wendy. If I thought that you could be the mother that Abel deserves, I'd make Jax give you a chance. It would kill me, but I would do it for Abel." Tara shakes her head and wills for the other woman to understand. "But I know you. The second that things get tough you're back on the drugs and you will neglect him. He deserves so much more. I gave you a chance and you blew it. You chose a needle and Gemma over a chance to know your son. Tell me, was it worth it?"

"You don't know shit about what I've been through," Wendy cries.

"You're right, I don't," Tara replies, her eyes fixed on the gun as she inches her way closer to the unhinged woman. "But I do know that if any part of you wants what is best for Abel, you will stop putting him through this fucking charade. He has a family who loves him, he's safe and happy. Can you honestly say that he will be with you?"

"I can try-"

"You've just kidnapped a baby! How can you possibly think that you're good for him? This is your last chance Wendy. Give me back my son, and we can talk."

"Or what?" Wendy snarls, her lip curling in hatred.

"Or you're going to get a bullet to the brain if you don't hand Thomas over to my wife," replies a voice from behind her.

Tara almost lets out a sigh of relief as she whirls around and sees Jax standing in the doorway with a gun pointed firmly at Wendy. He doesn't even spare her a glance, all of his attention focused on his ex wife as he steps further into the room.

"Go outside Tara," Jax says sternly.

"If you think that I'm leaving this house without my son then you are mistaken," she replies coldly, turning back to Thomas once more. His smile has faded, his little brow furrowed as he looks between her and Jax in confusion. She takes a step closer to him which goes unnoticed by Wendy whose wild eyes are glued to Jax's.

"Jax," Wendy breathes, her eyes lighting up in a way that Tara's never seen before.

"I won't tell you again Wendy," Jax growls, completely oblivious to the way that Wendy is staring at him. For a brief second she pities the woman. Jax is a hard man to love, and whilst she has always been sure of his love for her, Wendy has not. He made no secret of the other women he fucked during their relationship, nor of the fact that she would always be second best in his eyes to the woman who left him.

\--

He hates her.

There are not many people left breathing who he can claim to hate, but she is one of them. Every time he sees her, all he can see is his premature son who had a twenty percent chance of survival because his junkie wife couldn't refrain from shooting up whilst she was pregnant. He had part of the blame, ignoring her very existence and not giving a flying fuck about her because he was so deep into shit with the club and his thoughts revolving around Tara's every move.

He had no time for her, but that wasn't an excuse to almost kill their baby.

"You won't be leaving this house alive unless you get it into your thick skull that Abel is having nothing to do with you. The only reason why you're still breathing is because you were once my wife and because my son is in your arms."

"I have rights-"

"No you don't. You signed over all your rights. Tara is Abel's mother. You're nothing but an egg donor. Look at you," Jax says in disgust. "You're a fucking mess." Wendy flinches, but he's passed caring about her feelings at this point. "Put down the gun, and hand over Thomas to Tara then you can leave. No harm will come to you."

Wendy stares at him and slowly puts the gun down onto the counter. He notices Tara make a move towards her but he shakes his head subtly. He can almost hear her growl in frustration, but she remains still. Wendy holds Thomas tighter to her and buries her face in his hair. Her body shakes as she rocks him back and forth, and though the gun is out of her hands, he feels no safer with Thomas still in her arms.

Still, he lowers his gun.

"If you loved Abel, you would let him see me," she tries once more, desperation coloring her every word.

"It's because I love him that I won't let you anywhere near him. I won't let my mistake in marrying you poison his life."

She flinches away from him. "H-how can you say that? I was your wife, Abel's mother-"

"I never loved you, Wendy," he tells her firmly. "I wanted to love you. I wanted to try to be normal, have a life with you. But you were nothing more than a distraction to temporarily fill the hole that Tara left."

"We can be a family. You, me and Abel." She tightens her hold on Thomas and runs her shaking fingers through his hair. Jax eyes the gun briefly, but he does not want to risk her going for it with Thomas so close.

"I have a family," Jax replies. "With Tara."

"But what about me?" Wendy cries in despair. "I was your wife! Abel is my son! You just chucked me away as though I was nothing the moment your precious Tara came crawling back." She let's out a heartbreaking sob and buries her face in Thomas's hair.

"I'm sorry," he whispers, self loathing burning through him. The moment Tara came back to town any hope that Wendy had of them reconciling was in vain. He didn't give a shit about Wendy the moment his eyes landed on Tara for the first time in a decade. He had been outside Floyd's taking a smoke as he waited for Opie to finish up when he first saw her. She had been crossing main street to her car, her arms clutched around two bags of groceries that were threatening to break at any moment. Her sunglasses were pushed onto the top of her head, her jeans were as tight as ever and her dark hair trailed behind her in the wind. He'd walked after her in a daze, hardly knowing what the fuck he was doing until he was standing behind her, watching her put her groceries in the trunk of her car with incredulous eyes as she finally turned to him. Her eyes widened in surprise and then a brilliant smile formed on her lips.

"Hi," she breathed, and in that moment he felt as though he was nineteen again where Tara Knowles was his entire fucking world, and any thoughts on fixing shit with Wendy and being an alright father flew from his mind.

It's one of his favorite memories, and yet it makes him realize what a complete dick he is to everyone else in his life where Tara is concerned.

"I was a bad husband to you, and a bad father to Abel when you carried him. I didn't give a shit back then. You were an inconvenience that I didn't need and I am sorry for it."

"Are you a bad husband to Tara?"

Jax swallows painfully and looks at his wife. For the five years he's been with Tara, he has caused her so much pain that he can't understand why she puts up with his shit. From the women to the lies and the violence, he has hurt her time and time again. But through it all, his love for her has never been in doubt. He has always known that she deserves far better than what he can give her. But for a reason unknown to him, she chose him, and he is far too selfish to ever let her go.

"Yes, but I'm trying to be better for her, for our kids."

"Why can't I be enough for you?" she cries, her voice filled with so much anguish.

"Because you're not her," he replies simply, the words brutal but true. "I will never love another like I love her. It doesn't matter what happens. She's it for me."

Wendy lets out a sob and Jax finally realizes that this just isn't about Abel. She wanted it all, him and Abel. She holds out Thomas towards Tara, who all but snatches him and is out of the back door far quicker than a pregnant woman could ever hope to be. The door slams after her just as Wendy lets out a heart wrenching sob and sinks down to the floor, her sobs muffled as she presses her face against her knees.

Jax does not go to her, and though he aches to hold his son in his arms, he remains where he is, his cold, furious gaze fixed on Wendy.

"I love Abel, Jax. So much," Wendy says softly once she gains control of herself once more. "I didn't mean to hurt him."

"I know," Jax replies. The _but you did_ remains unsaid.

"And Tara? Is she a good mother to him?"

"She's the best," he says truthfully. "She loves Abel like he is her own, and he loves her. As far as Tara's concerned, Abel is her son just as much as Thomas is."

"He won't have to know me. I promise that I will stay away." She pauses, her eyes focused on a picture of the boys. "It's for the best."

Jax swallows, and though he hates himself for his next words, he looks at Wendy coldly and forces them out. "Get your shit and get out of Charming. I'll send somebody to make sure you go, so don't even think about crawling back to Gemma. Get yourself clean Wendy. When Abel's old enough, he will know the truth about you and if he ever wants to find you, then I won't stop him. But if you ever try to contact him, if you ever step foot into this town again, I'll kill you."

Wendy's face crumples, but she nods. He forces himself to ignore her tears as he calls over Happy and Rat. "Take her home, let her pack and make sure she gets out of town."

Rat nods and places an insistent hand on Wendy's back as he forces her to walk away from them. Jax ignores her as she tries to catch his gaze for the last time.

"You sure Pres?" Happy mutters under his breath. "This bitch has a way of turning up when you least expect. I can take care of her-"

"No," Jax interrupts. He looks over at his wife and son wrapped up in one another against the nighttime chill. Tara hugs him to her and buries her face in his soft hair, greedily breathing in his unique scent. They're both wrapped in a massive hoodie that has to belong to Bobby. Chibs isn't far away, his eyes unusually soft as he looks at mother and son as Tig looks around guardedly for any new threats. His life would be so much easier if Wendy disappeared from their lives permanently, but he doesn't want to be the monster that Tara accused him of being all of those months ago.

He wants to be a good man for her.

"I can't kill her," Jax says quietly, turning to Happy once more. "It doesn't matter how much I hate her. Without her, Abel wouldn't exist." He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a wad of cash. "This should keep her going for a while."

He doesn't wait for Happy's reply as he heads for his family. He doesn't give a shit that all of his brothers are watching as he strides right up to Tara and Thomas and wraps his arms around them and holds on for dear life.

\--

"Say what you want about my son, but he's a good father."

Tara doesn't take her eyes off of Jax and Thomas as she replies, "Yes, he is."

They are both silent for a while watching Jax fuss over his son. Despite his eventful day, Thomas is wide awake and happily tugging at his father's ever growing beard. The rest of the Sons look on with amused grins as their Pres blows a raspberry on his son's belly. Thomas's shrieks of delight fill the house and she smiles at the sound.

"Look at him," Gemma laughs huskily in her ear. "I think Jax is having more fun than Thomas."

Tara's smile widens. "Are you kidding? Jax is the biggest kid out of the three of them." They share a smile, and for a moment it's like how it used to be, before there were secret letters, murdered fathers and the constant battle over her children and fake babies.

Tara's smile fades as she turns back to Jax and Thomas.

"Don't worry," Gemma taunts softly. "I won't tell Jax about your earlier accusations.

"If I find out that you had anything to do with this-"

"Thomas is my grandson. I wouldn't put him in danger, no matter what is going down between us." Gemma's voice is sincere, her eyes wide with innocence, and she wants nothing more to believe her, to have the loving grandmother back in her children's lives, but she knows better. She has been burned too many times by the woman who she has allowed herself to love, who has treated her as a daughter when it has suited her.

"I know that you would do whatever it takes to get back into Jax's good graces so you can see my boys. You wanted to prove that Neeta wasn't able to keep my son safe. Wendy was desperate to see Abel. She was vulnerable, impressionable. You twisted her up until she did what you wanted."

Shame and disgust crawl under her skin. "I can't blame you for it, I did exactly the same thing to her but I wanted to get my boys to safety, you used her to get to me, to manipulate your son."

"Where's your proof, Doc?" Gemma hisses in her ear.

Tara smiles bitterly and finally turns to her mother in law. "I don't have any, but I'll die before you come near my kids. I don't give a damn what Jax says."

Gemma smirks. "Choose your words with care, sweetheart. Wouldn't want to give anybody ideas, would we?"

"You would do it, wouldn't you? You would kill me to get to my children." It does not surprise her when Gemma makes no move to deny it, but it does sadden her. "I loved you, once. You were like a mother to me when I needed one the most. You were there for me when Jax was inside, you held my hand when I gave birth to your grandson." She looks at Gemma with hardened eyes. "What happened? What made you hate me so much?"

For a moment, Gemma's eyes soften. "I don't hate you. You're trying to take my son away from me. You're raising my grandbabies wrong. They need to be with family, not some bullshit nursery-"

"They are my children! It is not for you to decide how they are raised. I do not need parenting advice from the woman who encouraged her son to be a criminal - a killer. I love him, I really do, but I will not let my sons go down the same path that he has."

Gemma stares down at her coldly. "Then it seems that we're at an impasse." She makes a move to go but Tara grips her arm tightly and looks at her grimly.

"If I find out that you were the one to give Wendy that gun, I'll kill you myself, and your son will not be able to stop me."

Gemma steps away from her then, looking down at her daughter in law with new eyes as though seeing her truly for the first time. Gemma smiles a thin, biting smile. "There she is at last, the Old Lady that my son deserves. You keep playing happy families darlin'. I know my son. He's with you 'cause you conveniently managed to get yourself knocked up again when you knew he was going to leave you. Once you've popped that baby out, all bets are off and he will be back to the croweaters and porn pussy once again. Your days are numbered, sweetheart, so you best enjoy them whilst you can."

"No your days are numbered," Tara spits. "You're nobody, not even an Old Lady. You're the dried up pussy of a man who betrayed his brothers. You are nothing! This is a new generation, _sweetheart. I'm Queen now_."

Tara leaves without another word, eager to have her boys back in her arms once more, though she can feel Gemma's furious glare digging into her back. Jax shoots her an amused smile and wraps an arm around her shoulder. The slam of the front door echos through the room a minute later.

\--

It's well into the early hours of the morning as Quinn brings a grumpy Abel back, though he had spared her a sleepy smile as she put him to bed. She can't take her eyes off of them, her two boys who have both been torn from her arms. She can hear Jax in the shower in the background, and though she aches to be by his side, she is afraid that the moment her boys are out of her sight someone else will take them away.

It's stupid and irrational, but after today she figures that she's allowed to be.

She forces her legs to move eventually as her stomach rumbles and she remembers that it's been awhile since she ate something. With one last lingering look, she heads for the kitchen and forces herself to eat, though the banana tastes like ash in her mouth. She frowns briefly at the screaming silence filling the house and spares a brief thought for her husband.

It takes her a moment to see the figure sitting on the couch with a towel wrapped around his waist, his head resting in his hands, slumped in defeat. Jax looks up when he hears her surprised gasp. Tara pauses, wanting nothing more than to go to him but uncertain how to act after their harsh words hours before and their confrontation with Wendy. The memory of his snarling face inches from her own as they screamed at one another is embedded deep into her mind, the flash of fear in his eyes as they stared one another down, and the guilt that plagued him for how he treated Wendy.

She's not sure that Jax wants comfort from her right now.

But he stretches a hand out towards her, and any doubts fade from her mind.

She goes to him, running her fingers up his arm as he settles both of his palms on her bare thighs, slowly sliding them up her legs to her hips, dragging her (his) t-shirt up as they go. His fingers flare out over over her skin and he tugs her a little closer until she's standing between his parted knees. Her breath hitches in her throat as he lifts her shirt up so he can rest his head on her stomach.

"I'm sorry," he rasps, his lips pressing a brief kiss to her belly.

"You have nothing to be sorry for," Tara replies softly, threading her fingers through his damp hair.

"Yes I do. Everything that happened today is on me. My crazy ex-wife took our son. She's messed up because of me-"

"Stop. Yes, you hurt her. But Wendy is a grown woman. She made her own choices and she has to live with them. This is on her."

He does not reply, but she can almost feel his guilt radiating from him. She knows that whatever she tells him, he will not listen now, not today with the memory of Wendy so fresh in his mind.

"I'm not a good man. I'm a criminal and a killer. You shouldn't love me. I don't deserve any of this-"

"Stop this Jax."

"It's true. This house, my sons, my daughter, you."

Tara fists a hand in his hair and tugs his head back sharply. "I'm not a good person. I'm a criminal and a killer too. Stop making me out to be a saint because we both know that I'm far from one. I've stolen, I've sold drugs, I've hid bodies, I've killed people! Yes you're a criminal, a killer. But it's just a part of you, it's not all of you! And that's what I love. All of you. Maybe you don't deserve this life, hell maybe I don't either. But we can have a good life Jax, together."

Tara leans over him and presses a soft kiss to his lips. "Let it go baby. Everything that we've done, it doesn't matter anymore. Our family is safe, the club is clean and Wendy is gone. We have so many reasons to be happy Jax. You make me happy." She cups his face in her hands and runs her thumbs across the fine lines under his eyes. "You told me to let the past go. And I am, so maybe you should too."

Jax gives her a small smile and claims her lips with a bruising kiss. He swallows her cry of surprise and pushes himself closer. Tara pulls away and slides her panties down her legs.

"What are you-"

"Shh. I need this, I need you," Tara whispers, her lips brushing his. It's not about pleasure, but the need to be close to him consumes her entire being.

Jax tilts his head to the side and looks at her long and hard. Her mouth goes dry as he unwraps his towel and reaches out a hand to her. "Come here," he commands gently. Taking his hand, she crawls into his lap, her knees sinking into the plush couch as his strong hold on her tightens as she leans back. "Careful," Jax murmurs.

"I love you," she says, eager to remind him after this crazy fucking day. There are few things that she is sure of anymore, but her love for him is something she is certain about.

"I love you," he echoes, his hands climbing up her thighs, palms sweeping over her stomach before they reach the sides of her ribs. The t-shirt catches on his arms and rises with him making her shiver from the cold air on her bare skin. It bunches under her breasts and he mouths kisses around her belly, his tongue flicking at her skin. His mouth is so soft, like a whisper on her skin. Tara feels her eyes flutter at the sensation, nails digging into his shoulder as she arches into him. She can feel him smiling against her skin, can taste the flare of pride coming off of him.

Her hips rock against his hardening dick, and she feels a pool of wetness between her thighs at the sensation of her clitoris dragging against the soft, steely skin. He watches her, his eyes heavy with his lust for her. He pushes her shirt up and over her head. A shiver rolls through her from the cold air hitting her naked skin, and she arches her back and thrusts her hips down. "Yes," she breathes as his mouth brushes over her nipple, his beard grazing the sensitive skin causing the most delicious sensation.

She watches him, his head thrown back, neck taut, his body tight with tension and his eyes half closed. A small desperate whine leaves her mouth. She thrusts down with more force and leans over him, cupping his face and forcing her mouth on his. Jax groans against her lips but she swallows the sound. He wraps his arms around her waist and pushes himself up closer until his stomach presses against her ever expanding one.

It feels so good, but when it comes to his touch, she always needs more.

She forces her lips away and whispers into his ear, "I need you inside of me."

His hands slide down to her ass, his fingers gripping tightly. She forces herself to her knees as Jax grips his erection, and she slowly sinks down onto his length. Her breath leaves her as she stretches around him, her fingers curling into his shoulder as she moves with a gentle slow roll of her hips. She's so sensitive, each movement has her shaking in pleasure.

Jax thrusts up and their combined cries echo throughout the silent house. Need burns through her, urging her to move quicker. She fists her hand in Jax's wet hair and bares her hips down, and it's her undoing. She stiffens and lets out a long, low cry before her hips pick up speed, chasing that delicious feeling.

Her movements become sloppy and without rhythm until Jax tightens his hold on her ass and stops her. She lets out a low whine that turns into a guttural moan as Jax takes control and snaps his hips up with a speed that he should be proud of. Pleasure flows through her making everyone of her nerves tingle and every inch of her coiling. Her cries grow louder and louder until she's coming with a breathless cry.

Tara forces her eyes open and watches as he comes seconds after, his hands forcing her down onto his cock even more, pushing himself as deep as he can go, his entire body shaking from his orgasm before she collapses on top of him.

It's several minutes until she can move once more. If not for her aching back, she would happily fall asleep there for the rest of the night. Jax runs his hands up her thighs and presses a kiss to her shoulder.

"I need for this day to be over," he rumbles beneath her.

"It is over baby," Tara replies simply before brushing her lips against his. "It's over."


	15. Chapter 15

In the days that follow, Tara is hesitant to let the boys out of her sight. The first three days after Wendy's departure, she keeps them at home and demands that one of Jax's brother's is present at all times in his absence, though she suspects that Jax hates to leave them alone too for he never leaves for longer than a couple of hours.

Despite Jax's reassurances that Wendy's truly gone and that they're safe, Tara refuses to take any chances. They have other enemies, and just because Wendy had been dealt with (for now, the fear that she would come back for Abel would never truly go away), it didn't mean that someone else wasn't going to come looking for revenge.

Going after Jackson Teller's family seems to be a popular form of revenge in this fucked up world that they live in. She doesn't blame Jax. Not this time. She can hardly blame him for his poor choice in women when her poor choice in men threatened his club and resulted in a dead body in her childhood bedroom.

But the what ifs keep playing in her mind. What if next time it is someone who Jax gets on the wrong side of? What if next time they aren't fast enough? What if next time they can't save them?

And it's not just the boys that she worries about anymore. With each passing day, the child in her belly grows stronger and soon she's going to have another child to protect. Charming is a dangerous place, and the father of her children is a dangerous man despite the changes that he has put into effect since he took the gavel. It terrifies her, but it also soothes some of her worries knowing that she is married to a man who will do absolutely anything to protect those that he loves, no matter the consequences.

It's not until the fourth day she feels herself relax when Happy returns. Thomas is asleep in her arms as she sits at the table watching a bare chested Jax cook dinner despite her arguments that she was perfectly capable of doing it herself. He has yet to improve his cooking skills, though watching him makes her hungry for something else. Her libido is crazy right now, not that either one of them are complaining.

If he's embarrassed to be caught by Happy being so domestic, he hides it well. Jax acknowledges his brother with a firm nod.

"The junkie's gone," Happy growls, not one for pleasantries, though his gruff voice softens just a fraction due to her presence. "Don't worry Doc, I made sure that she won't even think about stepping foot into Charming again. Your boys are safe."

A shiver sweeps down her spine at his words, and though a part of her wants to know what Happy had done to sound so confident, she knows that she is better off not knowing about his methods of persuasion. Still, she manages to muster a grateful smile in his direction and thanks him meaning every word. The man may scare the living daylights out of her at times, but is was thankful that he is on their side. She politely asks him if he would like to stay for dinner, but the man declines with a wicked smile. "It's Friday," he says simply.

Tara holds back a grimace and pushes away the images of the jizz fest that the club house will become in a couple of hours after such a stressful week. She catches Jax's eye but his face remains carefully neutral.

Happy leaves with a nod at Jax and an awkward smile for her. Her heart warms a little at the sight, though it's short lived as she tries to think of something to say. The silence grows awkward as Jax tends to dinner, and even the sight of him half dressed does nothing to distract her from her thoughts.

Since he's returned home, Jax hasn't attended the usual night time shenanigans at the clubhouse. It's not something she's noticed until now, and she feels a fool for it. Surely there have been parties over the past few months, and yet he's been home every night ready to put the boys to sleep.

Part of her is terrified of being left alone. She knows how unlikely it is that something's going to happen, but with Happy's reassurance that Wendy is gone and unlikely to come back, she feels more at ease for the first time since Thomas disappeared.

"You can go, if you want," Tara says eventually. "I'm sure that the guys would appreciate having you there after everything they've done for us. I don't mind."

She does mind.

Of course she fucking minds.

The thought of him getting drunk and having a good time with dozens of women in various states of undress itching for the chance to get their claws into him while she's stuck at home wondering what the fuck he's up to makes her skin crawl. But she trusts him. Mostly. She's fucking trying so hard not to be a raging bitch who's too jealous and insecure to allow her man out of her sight for one night.

She has every right to be insecure. She knows that, but she doesn't want to be. Memories of the parties she had attended as a teenager come to mind pretty quickly of the half dressed crow eaters parading around, trying to snag a biker even if it's just for a night. The memories of Ima and Colette are hard to forget too.

Deep down she knows that Jax isn't going to jump into bed with some skank unless he really wants to hurt her.

He's happy. The happiest that she's seen him in a very long time.

So for him, she'll suck it up and just deal.

"I don't want to," he replies. Tara raises an incredulous eyebrow and snorts in disbelief.

"I can handle being alone for a few hours Jax. Nothing's going to happen."

Jax turns towards her then and leans against the counter with folded arms. Despite herself, her eyes can't help but linger on his arms and how his tattoos flex. "That's not it. I just don't want to go."

"Why the sudden change of heart? You used to-"

"Exactly. I used to love drinking and smoking until I passed out on the clubhouse floor. That's not my life anymore Tara. I'd rather be at home with my family. I really don't need to see the shit that's going to go down tonight, especially after this week."

Tara's nose wrinkles in disgust, but she isn't one to give up easily. "But won't the guys be disappointed? They need you."

Jax makes an impatient sound and suddenly he's coming towards her and crouching down in front of her. He strokes Thomas's hair and says softly, "You need me more. I'm done with putting the club first. You and the kids are my priority. The guys get it, because you're their family too. I'm sure that if Chibs, Bobby and hell, maybe even Tig, could do it all over again, they would put their families first too."

Her heart is pounding in her chest as she stares into his eyes looking for any sign of dishonesty, but her husband's eyes are remarkably clear as he stares right back. Tears prick at her eyes. They're words that she has wanted to hear come out of Jax's mouth since he got out of prison. Tara shakes her head. "I don't want you to have to give up spending time with your brothers because of me."

Jax cups the back of her neck and pulls her in for a soft kiss. All of the tension from the past few days flow out of her as she meets his lips, though he pulls away far too soon and says, "I'm right where I want to be babe."

A smile tugs at her lips. "You're getting soppy on me, Teller."

Jax smirks in reply, but he offers no denial. Thomas fidgets in his sleep causing them both to look down at him, his little arms flailing as he tries to get comfortable in her arms. Jax reaches out and strokes the boy's head, his face becoming serious once more as he says, "Do you want to leave?"

"What?"

Jax's meets her eyes. "Do you want to leave Charming?"

Tara tenses, aware how much of a sore subject this is between them and one that had been avoided at all costs since their reunion. She looks away and busies herself with shifting Thomas in her arms. The baby remains blissfully asleep despite how much she wishes that he will bloody wake up and scream just so she can avoid this conversation. "Don't be ridiculous Jax. We're moving house in a couple of weeks-"

"Answer me. I know how much of this life makes you uncomfortable. Say the word and we can be out of this house by the end of the week and setting up on the other side of the country."

Tara sighs quietly. It's not something that she wants to talk about, especially with Thomas's disappearance still so fresh in their minds. But Jax's eyes are firm and unrelenting, and she knows that he isn't going to let this conversation drop.

He doesn't come home with bruises and dead mens blood on his clothes anymore. He's home every night and is there for dinner and to put the boys to bed. He's there every morning when she wakes up pressed up against his side. She knows that he's trying so hard to make their life here work. It is not an easy thing to find a balance for his club and his family. Perhaps if she had a little more faith in him from the start, the fucked up year that they've had wouldn't have happened. But all she had seen was the violence and her stint in prison scared the living daylights out of her. All that had mattered was saving her boys from the violent lifestyle that they had been born into.

But now it's her turn to compromise.

She really hopes that her sons do not join SAMCRO, and if she has a daughter, Tara can only hope that she has more self control than her mother does when it comes to bikers. But the brotherhood that surrounds these hard men is a very rare thing, and after all of these years, she's only just beginning to see the allure of why men want to join such a group. Since the moment her mother died, she hasn't had that unbreakable bond with anyone, not even with Jax. Even at sixteen, she had known that she couldn't stay in Charming and become Jackson Teller's Old Lady. She had needed more and had broken the trust between them.

But now that she has children of her own, she's learning how that bond works all over again. Despite her choices in the past, she doesn't want to be the one who takes Jax away from his brothers. She knows how guilty he would feel leaving them, and how useless he would feel in a world where he isn't part of a brotherhood.

Tara looks at his brothers now and sees members of her family, not just her husband's friends. They may not be the most respectable citizens that Charming has to offer, but they are a group of men that look out for their own. She will never forget everything they have done to protect her and her boys, and she has no doubt that they will be at her side in a heartbeat if she truly needed them.

"I did. A part of me still does. But this is our home Jax. Our family is here. Everything that we have now was built here. You and me, the kids, the guys. You said the club is going legit right? I've seen how hard you're trying to make things work with the club and with me. I'm choosing to trust you Jax," Tara replies softly. She smiles, almost sadly because of everything that she wishes that they could be but knows that they never will. "Charming is a part of you. But it's also a part of me. So no, I don't want to leave Charming."

For a moment, Jax doesn't reply as he looks at her in shock. It wasn't the answer that he was expecting, that much is clear. He looks remarkably young in that moment, like a little boy who has just received the birthday present of his dreams. "I will make the club something that the boys will be proud of. The boys will never end up in a prison cell. They will never know how it feels to take a man's life just for greed. They will never end up like me. I promise."

Tara smiles softly and pushes the hair back from his eyes. "I don't know Teller. You're not the worst example I can think of."

\--

It's early, way too early for Abel to be pottering around the house alone. It's barely light outside as Tara groans and heaves herself out of bed. She's thankful that Jax is still asleep because it's not a pretty sight. Jesus, when did she get so big? Her back aches and she wants nothing more than to crawl back under the sheets and sleep the day away, but the sounds of a chair being dragged across the kitchen floor is ringing in her ears. She forces herself to move faster and she is just in time to see her five year old son standing on a chair and peering into the freezer, balancing on the tips of his toes as he's reaching for her favourite ice cream.

And suddenly she's wide awake.

"Abel," Tara snaps. "Get down right now!"

Abel jumps and turns to her guiltily. Sensing her anger, he quickly jumps down off the chair, almost giving her a heart attack in the process, and smiles at her sweetly. "Hi Mommy."

The boy's dangerous. He's too clever for his own good. He knows exactly how to handle her and he has her wrapped around his little finger. He can disarm her with just a smile.

But not this time.

She knows his game. He's just like his father, trying to sweet talk his way out of trouble. Tara narrows her eyes at him. She's immune to the Teller charm these days, and she's furious with him. For waking her up and for trying to steal her cookie dough ice cream that has been her partner during her pregnancy. "What were you doing?"

"Getting ice cream."

Tara shakes her head firmly. "No. It's not even six Abel. We don't have ice cream for breakfast."

Abel frowns. "You do. I saw you."

"That is different!"

"Why?"

"Because I'm an adult!" Tara says, slightly affronted that her eating habits are being questioned by a five year old. "I can eat whatever I want for breakfast, and when you're grown up, you can eat ice cream whenever you want. But until then, you eat what you are given."

He looks up at her then with wide eyes that have a suspicious shine to them. His bottom lip sticks out and quivers slightly. Jesus, he looks just like Jax when he wants something.

Jax walks in on them twenty minutes later sitting on the couch and halfway through the tub. He raises an eyebrow at Abel who has ice cream around his mouth and turns questioning eyes at her.

Tara holds out her spoon. "Ice cream?"

Jax smirks and sits down next to Abel. He takes the spoon and wraps his lips around it, a groan coming from him as the coldness his his throat. Tara's thighs clamp together uselessly at the sudden flare of heat in her groin. Jax is shooting her a look and damn she wants him. Right now. Her mind is coming up with filthy ways they can spend their morning in bed with ice cream when her son's voice reminds her that they're not alone.

"Mommy?"

"Yes Abel?" she replies tightly.

"Why's your belly so big?"

Oh.

Thoughts of Jax's tongue licking ice cream off of her tits fade.

Tara looks at Jax. He nods gently, his gaze fixed firmly on their son. They had held off on telling Abel about the baby for a while, both too afraid to tempt fate after her earlier scare. Logically she knows that the baby is healthy. She's almost certain that everything will be fine and in a few months she's going to have their child cradled in her arms. But there's still a small part of her that is terrified that things are going to end horribly for her family.

But with only a few more months to go, her expanding belly isn't something that she can hide anymore, even from her inquisitive son.

"I'm having a baby," Tara says gently, slightly worried about the boy's reaction. He'd been way too young when she had been pregnant with Thomas to know what was going on. But at five years old, he is certainly able to make up his own mind about how he feels about having another sibling.

"Oh," Abel says, his eyes fixed on Tara's belly. His eyes flick up to hers. "Am I going to have another brother?"

"We don't know yet, buddy," Jax says. "But I'm pretty sure that you're going to have a little sister."

"Oh." Abel's eyes flicks down to her belly again, his little brow furrowed in thought. "How did she get into your belly mommy?"

Tara chokes on her ice cream and looks at her son with wide eyes. "Well, erm- Jax?"

Jax's smirk widened. "You're on your own for this one babe."

Furiously, Tara hisses at him, "You're the one who did this to me-"

"Pretty sure that we were both involved Tara."

"You didn't use any protection," she snaps, glaring at him.

Unable to control his mirth, an incredulous laugh erupts from him. "Neither did you! You were on the pill last time I checked!"

"Yes well, I was. It's not my fault that your, erm, swimmers are incredibly determined - that's not a compliment Jax," she says as he almost beams at her with pride.

"Felt like one."

"It wasn't," Tara snaps. "Besides, your part was over within a few minutes-"

"It was longer than a few minutes babe-"

"Whereas my part takes far longer and I have to actually give birth! You owe me."

Jax deflates like a popped balloon, his grin turning into a grimace as he meets his son's curious gaze. "Okay." He clears his throat and straightens his back in determination. "Abel, when a mommy and a daddy love each other very much, they like to-"

"Jax! He's five years old! You can't tell him that-"

"But you said-"

"No!" She rolls her eyes and plants a smile on her face as she turns back to Abel. "Listen baby. When you're older, your father will explain properly." Jax snorts but she ignores him. "Because we love each other so much, we wanted to have another baby. But the baby is in my belly because she's not big and strong enough to come out yet, so you have to wait a little while until she grows. But in a few months, you're going to have a little brother or sister."

There's a long silence. Tara shoots Jax a concerned look but his gaze is fixed firmly on Abel.

"Okay," Abel replies eventually.

"Okay?" Tara replies dubiously.

Abel nods. "Okay Mommy. But I'm still your baby right?"

Tara smiles widely, relieved at his reaction. "You'll always be my baby Abel." It's true. When he's forty and has babies of his own, he's always going to be her baby.

Abel smiles and looks up at Jax who lays a hand on his head. "Why don't you go and see if Thomas is awake buddy?"

He waits until Abel is out of the room and then Jax snorts and mutters, "And you say I'm a mommy's boy." Tara punches him in the arm but all Jax does is laugh loudly and throws his arm around her and pulls her against his side.

\--

The smile won't leave his face. They're sitting in a diner close to the hospital. She sees the staff and the patrons send him cautious looks and rolls her eyes. It's something that she has grown accustomed to over the last few years, especially since Jax took the gavel. Her husband is a man to be feared, but right now he looks like he's about to explode with happiness.

"Seriously babe," Tara sighs around the straw of her milkshake. "If you keep smiling like that you're going to terrify the entire town. Charming's not used to seeing you smile these days, and you look a touch insane."

Jax snorts, his eyes glittering with pride. "Fuck them."

Tara's mouth tugs into a reluctant smile. Since the moment the words, "Congratulations, you're having a daughter," had left her doctor's mouth, he'd had the dopiest grin on his face.

"You're such a dork," Tara teases fondly, though she is hardly much better.

He catches her hand across the table and presses a kiss to it. Now it's her grinning like a loon. Sitting in this diner, she feels sixteen once again where the most sought after boy in school was devoted to her and wasn't afraid to let anyone know his feelings. The only thing missing was Donna and Opie sitting next to them and teasing them for being lovesick fools.

"Did you ever think that we would end up here?" he asks, bringing their joined hands onto the table.

Tara takes a sip of her milkshake and carefully considers her answer. "Honestly? No. Something always seemed to get in our way. Whether it was me wanting to leave, you wanting to stay, your mother, the club, people trying to kill us. But right now? I've never been happier Jax."

His eyes glitter with happiness. "Well, I never had a doubt. From the moment we met-"

Tara snorts. "You're so full of shit."

"It's true!" he insists, laughter clouding every word.

"I bet you can't even remember the moment that we met."

"Mitchell Green pushed you over in the sand pit at the park so I hit him in the face with my bucket because he made you cry. I helped you up and asked you if you wanted to help me build my sandcastle," he says, looking incredibly proud of himself.

Tara smiles softly. "You remember that?"

"Of course. I knew then that you were special Tara Knowles. I may have been three years old, but I knew."

Speechless, Tara leans over as far as she can and presses a soft kiss to his lips.

"I can't believe we're having a girl," he murmurs. Tara's lips twitch.

"Karma's a bitch," Tara sighs as she finishes her milkshake, but she's already reaching for his untouched one.

"What makes you say that?"

"You spent your whole twenties sleeping with half of the female population," Tara replies. "Now you're going to be spending your forties making sure the male population stays away from your daughter."

The smile is quickly wiped off of his face. "Shit."

"Seriously babe. You're worried about nothing. Let's just hope that she takes after me. I mean look at me. I'm a well respected, successful doctor with three kids."

Jax glares at her. "You also have a mean right hook, killed a few guys, married a criminal and have a thing for bikers."

Tara smiles wickedly. "Only one biker."


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't worry. You haven't had a stroke. I'm actually posting 2 chapters within a week.

Jax can hear the baby's cry the moment the roar of his bike ceases. Thinking nothing of it, Jax pulls off his gloves and his helmet, a small smile twitching on his lips as he thinks of his daughter and the lungs that Tara claims she got from the Teller genes. He disagrees. From personal experience, he is confident that his daughter’s shrill cries are definitely inherited from her mother. Tara hadn’t been impressed when he reminded her of all the shouting matches they’ve gotten into, and how loud she can be in the bedroom.

She definitely wasn’t impressed when he proved her wrong later that night.

The door is unlocked which makes Jax rolls his eyes. He’s always having to tell Tara to lock the damn door, but she rarely remembers.

“Babe?” he calls out, his brow furrowing when he gets no answer. “Tara?” he calls out louder to be overheard by the baby's cries. His heart pounds in his chest when there’s still no answer. He goes to the empty nursery and forces a smile to his face as he picks up his screeching daughter and cradles her against his chest and rocks her gently. “Hey baby girl,” he says, relieved when her crying halts. “Where’s your Mom?” The baby turns her face into his jacket and sniffles. Despite his worry, the smile he wears is real as he gazes down at his daughter. She is everything what he imagined her to be, and so much more.

With the kid settled, Jax heads to their bedroom, but there’s still no sign of her. “Tara!” Jax shouts again. The baby fusses slightly, but she thankfully remains silent. “Abel? Thomas?” Jax calls, yet there’s still no answer.

He checks the bathroom, the bedroom, the lounge and just as he’s heading into the kitchen he finally finds her amongst broken plates and glass.

“Tara?” he cries brokenly, his mind unwilling to take in the scene before him.

There’s so much blood.

Her eyes are shut and even from this distance he knows that she’s not breathing.

“No, no no no,” Jax breathes as he stumbles his way to her body. He tightens his hold on the baby as he slips on her blood but he manages to catch himself before he falls. With shaking hands he carefully lays the baby on a clean patch of floor and finally collapses next to his wife.

Tears are falling from his eyes as he wraps his arms around her and cradles her dead body to his chest. Jax’s hands tremble as he caresses her face. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” A gut wrenching sob tears from his throat. It should have been him, not Tara. He presses a kiss to her still lips and it’s so so wrong-

Jax wrenches his eyes open and manages to stifle a gasp. His heart is pounding in his chest as he reaches a hand out to his right until he feels Tara’s sleeping body next to him. He turns towards her slowly and feels himself relax slightly as he sees her chest move with every breath.

She’s alive.

She’s safe.

Jax stares up at the ceiling and forces himself to breathe. He feels his body relax with every breath and the reminder that it’s just a dream. She’s alive. She’s safe.

Knowing that sleep will not come, Jax gets up and heads for the kitchen and makes himself a coffee.

 _It’s just a dream,_ he has to remind himself.

Sitting at the kitchen table, he ignores the tremor in his hand as he slowly drinks, his eyes transfixed on the floor on the exact spot where he dreamt of finding Tara's bloody body.

He has the same dream every fucking night and it’s slowly driving him insane.

A hand touches the back of his head, startling him. “Isn’t it a little early to be thinking so hard?” Tara asks softly. Jax hums and leans into her hand, almost purring like a cat thanks to the way she’s running her fingers through his hair. He feels himself relax at her touch. Pulling out a chair for her, she sinks into it gracefully and shoots a longing look at his coffee.

“How long is it until the kid comes out again?” Tara wonders longingly, her eyes never leaving his mug.

Jax grins, “Still got a while yet babe.” He drains the rest of his cup and sets it down. Tara groans dramatically and rests her head against his shoulder. He puts his arm around her and pulls her chair closer until she is pressed firmly against his side.

He gets a good look down her top - Jesus, her tits are huge.

“What are you up to today?” she asks, running her fingertips along the tattoos on his arm.

He should head to see Marks and deal with Barosky, but he can’t deal with them today.

He looks at the kitchen floor for a moment. So many things have happened in his little house that he bought for himself and Wendy, back when he thought that maybe he could make himself love her and maybe forget about the woman who still haunted his dreams. If somebody had told him back then that he would be sitting in this small kitchen with Tara Knowles with a wedding ring on her finger and her belly swollen with their third child, he’d have thought them fucking mental.

But she’s here. Alive and safe.

And his.

But damn if he doesn't want to get out of this goddamn house as quick as possible.

He resolutely turns away and smiles at her. “Let’s go back to bed,” he says, pressing his fingers against the soft skin of her thigh and trailing them higher as they slip under his shirt.

“There’s too much to do,” Tara replies, indicating to the half packed boxes currently occupying the house. They’re moving in a week, and she’s right, there is too much to do. Despite her words she spreads her legs, and Jax is not one to miss an opportunity so he presses his eager fingers to her panties and strokes her gently.

“I’ll get the prospects to do it,” he whispers. Tara shifts her hips, though with her ever growing belly she doesn’t have much room to maneuver. Her panties are damp already, and fuck if it doesn’t make his dick hard to see her so ready for him with so little effort on his part.

“Come on,” he says huskily. “I’ll make it worth your while.” His dick is stirring in his pants and he’s aching to be buried inside of her already. Tara shudders against him, her nails digging into his arm.

“What are you offering?” she whispers, brushing her lips against his. Her breath hitches as he presses harder against her clitoris. She moans softly and slowly rocks her hips against his hand.

“What do you want?” he counters.

Tara gives him a sultry smile and replies, “I think I want your mouth-”

Jax is kissing her before she can finish, eagerly swallowing up her words as he pulls her against him tightly and slips his hand inside of her panties-

“Ewww!”

Jax pulls away from her and looks down at Abel with a raised eyebrow. A smile twitches at his lips as Abel's face looks up at them in disgust and indignation.

“Mommy I'm hungry.”

He tightens his hold on Tara but she's already pulling away and grabbing the box of cereal. Abel climbs up onto a chair looking mightily proud of himself.

The little shit.

“Thanks kid.”

Abel looks at him seriously. “You shouldn’t do that Daddy.”

“Do what?”

“Kiss Mommy!” he whispers, shooting a fugitive look at his mother. Jax follows his gaze and sees Tara turning away from them as she shakes in silent laughter.

Confused, Jax scratches his head in bewilderment. He’s way too tired to work this shit out. “Why bud?”

“Because she’s a _girl!_ ” he hisses.

_Oh._

Jax’s lips curl into an involuntary smile. “Really? I hadn’t noticed.” He meets Tara’s glare and smirks.

Abel nods seriously and leans forward as if he’s about to reveal the secret to the end of the world. “Girls have cooties Daddy.”

Jax rubs at his beard and does his best to stifle his laugh. Any anger he had over his interruption vanishes because his kid is just too fucking cute. “Listen bud. It’s true. Girls have cooties. But guess what?” Jax leans in and whispers, “Mommies don’t.”

Abel’s mouth drops open and looks at his mom as she places his bowl of cereal in front of him and places a kiss on his cheek. His eyes flick back to Jax who winks at him as he kisses Tara full on the mouth.

\--

“Jax. Jax wake up!”

He groans and forces himself to open his eyes. Tara’s standing over him, her face twisted into a worried frown. “Jesus. What’s wrong-”

“We have no mint berry ice cream,” she says, practically on the verge of tears. Jax raises an incredulous eyebrow and is seriously contemplating how much he loves her right now because he really, really needs to fucking sleep. It’s been the first night in so fucking long that he hasn’t had the dream, and he really doesn’t need this shit right now.

“And you woke me up because..?”

Tara looks at him like he’s a fucking moron. “Because you need to go get me some.”

“Can’t you just eat something else?”

“No!” she snaps. Jax raises an eyebrow at her tone, she tries again. “Baby, please,” she says this time more gently. “I need mint berry ice cream. The baby needs mint berry ice cream. Please.”

Jax rubs at his eyes and sits up to turn the light on. Tara frowns at him. “Fine. I’ll go.” She’s already walking away as Jax shouts after her, “No you’re fucking not!”

He forces himself out of bed and dresses quickly, half expecting to find her driving off already, but she’s sitting on the couch with a small smile. “Thanks baby. I’ll make it up to you.”

Jax rolls his eyes and heads out, all the while wondering how she has him so wrapped around her little finger.

\--

He’s half asleep as he's coming out of the grocery store with the damn ice cream clutched in his hand when he hears a familiar voice shouting, “Jackie Boy!”

“Brother,” he greets with a tired smile.

“Jesus Christ ye look like shite. Tara been keeping ye awake again?”

Jax shoots Chibs a hard look, but the older man only laughs. “Dinna get ye knickers in a twist man. I'm only jokin’. What's up with ye?”

“Shit man. I'm sorry. I'm just fucking tired.” He pulls out his cigarettes and lights one. He relaxes as he takes his first drag. He ignores Chibs’ penetrating stare and lets himself enjoy his first cigarette of the day. Being around the kids so much, he doesn't get to smoke half as much as he used to.

He flicks the stub away and lights another one. Chibs remains silent as he lights his own cigarette and waits patiently.

“I can't sleep,” Jax says eventually, not looking at his VP. “I.. I keep dreaming that Tara’s going to die.”

Chibs rubs his chin awkwardly. "Jackie, nothin's gonna happen to Tara. She's a strong lass. I was the same way with Fiona when she was knocked up. I was a bloody mess. Tara’s done the whole childbirth shite before-”

“No. This is different. I..I keep finding her dead body on my kitchen floor and it feels so fucking real. The baby’s cry and the blood - there’s always so much fucking blood. And the feeling when I realise that she’s dead-” Jax inhales sharply and runs a hand through his hair.

Chibs is silent for a while, his eyes fixed upon Jax. “Ye know Jackie,” he says, his Scottish brogue soothing Jax’s worries for being a pussy worrying over a damn nightmare. “I know this isn’t gonna be much comfort to ye, but it’s only a dream. That ain’t gonna happen.”

"Look at what's already happened to her! She's been kidnapped, fuck she's gone to prison-"

"But she ain't gonna die."

“You don't know that,” Jax snaps.

“No I don't. But I do know every one of yer brothers would die before lettin’ anythin’ like that happen to ye lass. She’s protected.”

Jax deflates, knowing that he’s right. Even when he had been a teenager, the entire club knew how the prince felt about his girl. His brothers love him, and over time they have grown to love her. There’s been far too many times his brothers have come to his family’s rescue.

He trusts his brothers, all but one. There’s a reason why Juice is kept far away from his family. He hasn’t forgotten the fact that Juice betrayed him by revealing to Nero that Jax ordered him to kill Darvany. He betrayed the club that day.

Nor will he ever forget that the man is a rat.

“We ain’t in any dodgy shit anymore, well, dangerous dodgy shit. Yer lass is safe,” Chibs says softly. Jax let’s out a breath and runs a hand over his face. His worries aren’t gone, hell, he suspects that he’s always going to be a nervous wreck when it comes to the safety of his family. But he feels a like a weight has been lifted from his shoulders.

“Thanks brother,” he says quietly.

His cell rings making both men jump. Rolling his eyes at how impatient she is, he doesn’t even bother looking at the called ID. “Yes babe?”

“Hurry up.”

“Have a little patience-”

“I’ll be saying that the next time you have a hard on and I’m trying to go to sleep. Hurry the fuck up.”

She hangs up before he can even think of a reply. He runs a hand over his face. He’s fucking exhausted. He puts his cell in his pocket and sees Chibs smirking from the corner of his eye. “Shut up.”

“I didn’t say nowt Jackie.”

“You were going to.”

“It’s just a little ironic, innit?” Chibs chuckles. “Five years ago the only reason you would be out shopping at this time of night is to get some whiskey and some johnnies-”

“I swear to God Chibs-”

“But now ye buying yer pregnant wife - what was it again?”

Jax pauses. “Mint berry ice cream,” he replies sheepishly. Chibs laughs in his ear and claps him on the shoulder.

A smirk plays on Jax’s lips. “Wouldn’t have it any other way brother.”

\--

She all but runs to him as soon as he’s through the door. He smiles as she all but ignores him and snatches the ice cream out of his hands. If he were a braver man, he would laugh at her, but he values his life too much right now. These last few weeks, her mood swings are a little erratic.

And by a little, he means a whole fucking lot. One moment she’s blissfully happy, the next she’s a raging, screaming mess. She’s making him a little nervous.

He follows her into the kitchen and watches in confusion as she grabs a spoon and heads for the cupboard and pulls out some ketchup.

Jax wrinkles his nose in disgust. “Babe,” he groans as she squirts it all over her ice cream.

“Shut up,” she snaps. “It’s what the baby wants.”

Unable to take her eyes off of her, he watches as she moans around her spoon as the ice cream hits her tongue. “Don’t I even get a thank you?” he asks in amusement.

Tara doesn’t even to bother to look at him, her attention focused firmly on the tub in front of her. She moans around her spoon and that’s thanks enough. A smile twitches at his lips as he leaves her to it. “G’night babe,” he calls over his shoulder. He strips and all but collapses into bed, and he’s asleep the second his head hits the pillow.

\--

It feels like he’s only just closed his eyes when he feels her mouth on his neck and her nails gently scratching his chest. He’s wondering if he can just feign sleep and hope that she leaves him alone when her hand travels lower. “Tara-”

“Shh.”

His breath catches as her mouth sucks on his neck, marking him. He fists his hand in her hair, unsure if he’s keeping her there or pulling her away. He opens his eyes to the glorious sight of his naked wife framed by the dim light coming from the lamp. “What are you doing?”

“I’m making it up to you. I want you so much,” she breathes, wrapping a hand around his hardening cock and stroking him in a way that sends him crazy. Her teeth scrape against his throat, and damn his traitorous body because it’s never been able to say no where Tara is concerned.

The thing is, lately, she always wants him. She’s so goddamn horny all the time - not that he’s complaining. Apart from those few weeks after her stint in prison, they have always had a very active sex life. But now he’s half afraid that his erection is going to become a permanent thing because of the amount of time he’s spent having one these past few weeks. The amount of sex that they’re having was nothing but a fantasy when he was sixteen and she only let him have a little taste of what he desired more than anything in the world.

But he really needs to fucking sleep.

Tara’s oblivious though as she bites the lobe of his ear as she gently cups his balls and whispers, “When I was pregnant with Thomas, I was so wet for you.” Jax groans. She carries on pumping him slowly, her fist tightening on the base of his cock with every stroke. “I couldn’t think about anything else. I rubbed myself raw thinking about your hands, I used every toy I could get my hands on, but nothing worked baby. I needed _you._ ” She squeezes his cock and gently swipes her thumb against his head.

Jesus Christ.

He can’t help thrusting into her hand. The image is enough to explode right there, but what little self control he still possesses moves her hand away. “Where are these toys that you keep mentioning?” he demands tightly.

Tara’s only reply is to smile wickedly. “Stand up.”

“What?”

“Stand up. I want you in my mouth.”

Fuck sleeping. He’s wide awake now.

What little breath he has left leaves his body as he scrambles to his feet. With far too much grace for a woman seven months pregnant, Tara climbs off of the bed and kneels before him. It’s a sight that has always excited him. There have been hundreds of women who have knelt before him to suck his dick, and yet seeing Tara, this strong, confident, beautiful woman, kneel before him. Well, it reminds him just how fucking lucky he is.

Tara looks up at him, and it’s a sight that he won’t ever forget. She wraps her hand around his cock once again and slowly licks the head of his cock. Jax clenches his teeth and hisses as she teases him with a few swipes of her tongue before wrapping her lips around his length and takes him into her mouth. His eyes flick between his cock in her mouth and the bounce of her tits with each movement. Jax fists Tara’s hair as she trails her hands up his legs and firmly cups his ass. With a brief squeeze that has him smirking, she lets go and bobs her head faster and sucking harder. He’s quickly losing what little control he had as he tongue swirls around his head with every movement.

“Tara,” he groans, unable to help the thrusts of his hips as they meet her eager mouth, and he’s just about done for as she takes him completely in her mouth.

The sensation is heavenly, and he’s seconds from coming when she gives the head of his cock one final lick and releases him.

“What the fuck babe?!” he exclaims before he can stop himself. Tara raises an eyebrow at him, but after the show she put on how can she fucking blame him?

“Have a little patience baby,” she quips, a sly smile on her lips. Jax rolls his eyes and is about to retort when she knelt up and brought her hands to her tits.

Holy fuck.

All thoughts fly out the window as he watches her run her thumbs over her nipples, a soft moan escaping her mouth. She bites down on her lip and looks up at him with hooded eyes as she brings her breasts up to his cock and presses them together, trapping his cock between them. She glides her breasts up and down his cock in encouragement. “You just going to stand there baby?”

“Fuck,” he hisses, the sight of his head peaking out from between her tits. “Tara,” he groans, rocking his hips gently, mindful of her belly.

“You don’t think I haven’t noticed your eyes glued to my tits for months?” Tara says softly. She thumbs her breasts again and pinches them gently. Her eyes are hooded as she dips her head and takes the tip of his cock into her mouth and sucks gently before releasing him. “I bet that you’ve wanted to do this for months.”

Jax’s eyes close in pleasure as his hips move quicker until he is fucking frantically between her breasts. He forces his eyes open, watching his cock disappear as her beautiful mounds bounced with every thrust. Tara whispers words of encouragement, her tongue darting out to lick the head of his cock until it’s all just too much. Jax wrenches himself away from her. “Get on the bed,” he growls, helping her up. “Lie on your side.”

Tara’s quick to comply, and he is even quicker as he presses up against her back. She turns her head and gives him a bruising kiss that soon has her moaning into his mouth as he lifts her leg with one hand and slips his hand between her legs with the other. His fingers glide over her slippery clitoris as he works her up.

Her hips are rocking against his hand when Tara pulls away from his kiss and whimpers, “Please Jax. Fuck me.” His hand lifts her leg even higher, the other moving to cradle her belly as he slides his cock into her. He pumps into her with short erratic thrusts. He’s not going to last long. “Touch yourself,” he groans, his hips stuttering as he loses control Tara’s hand slips between her thighs and rubs her pussy, her fingers brushing against his cock with every stroke. He clenches his teeth as he feels her clenching around his cock until she’s sobbing in pleasure as she finally orgasms. Jax catches her mouth in a hard kiss to shut her up, and then he’s coming, his whole body shaking as he carries on fucking her until he has nothing left to give.

He’s pretty sure he blacks out, because the only thing he remembers before sleep claims him is Tara kissing him gently and softly saying, “Get some sleep baby.”

It’s the first decent nights sleep he’s had in weeks.


	17. Chapter 17

“Wow. You’re huge,” Tig declares loudly for the entire fucking clubhouse as soon as she walks through the doors. 

Tara glares at him, and though she has so much love for the man, she silently wishes him a very painful death with her eyes. Bobby doesn’t bother to look up from the accounts he’s working on as he snorts and mutters, “What a dumbass.”

Tig shoots him a dirty look. “What? It’s a compliment!”

“You don’t tell a woman she looks huge,” Bobby says in exasperation.

“But she’s pregnant! Being huge is a good thing!”

“No, it really isn’t,” Tara mutters as she sits down on the plush couch Jax had bought for the clubhouse. It’s much nicer than the old chairs they had back in the old clubhouse, back when she was too afraid to sit down incase she was sitting on Happy’s jizz stain. Though, judging by the wince that Tig is struggling to hide, she’s pretty sure that the sofa has already seen some fucked up action. If she had the energy she would stand, but sitting in the spot where Tig’s bare ass had probably been last night was just tough luck.

Silently she curses Jax for not being here on time. She’s tired and her back aches and she wants nothing more than to crawl into bed and sleep until the baby decides to come out, but she hadn’t had the heart to crush Jax’s hopeful expression when he said that he had a surprise for her but she had to get out of the house all day. He’d looked so proud of himself, so Tara had faked a smile and swallowed back the urge to tell him that she’s not ten and to fuck off and let her sleep. 

The boys were with Neeta for the day as her Jax’s strict instructions, so at a loss for something to do, Tara headed to work and promptly fell asleep in her office chair for hours.

“You’re supposed to say she looks radiant. Say she’s glowing or some shit.” Bobby smiles softly at Tara. “Which you are, sweetheart.”

Tara sends him a tired smile.

The thing is, she’s big. Really fucking big. God help her, but she swears she wasn’t this big with Thomas. The novelty of creating a child and nurturing her in her womb has grown old. She’s ready for the kid to come out and to finally have her body back for herself. The constant limbs poking at her belly and the constant ache in her back are a hinderance she isn’t sure that she can endure for another month. 

She catches Juice staring at her stomach and forces herself to smile gently. “Hey Juice. How are you doing?”

Juice’s bloodshot eyes jump to her face, and though she knows how Jax feels about the man, she feels a pang of sympathy for the man. A few years ago he had been a careless man with an easy smile for her, now she see’s a broken man beaten down by the organisation that he pledged his loyalty to. She knows that his current position within the club is his own doing, but she feels for him nonetheless.

“All’s good,” Juice mumbles, his eyes shifting to the floor. A cold shiver goes through her as he stalks towards the dorms, and she notices Tig’s frosty eyes following him the entire way.

Swallowing down the urge to ask what was going on, Tara reaches for her bag and sighs angrily when she can’t reach it. Tig rushes to help her, and though she has to bite back the urge to tell him to back off, she thanks him and pulls out her phone. She’s sick and tired of people fussing over her, though at the same time she’s grateful for the help. During her first pregnancy, she’d had to figure shit on her own. Though she had Gemma’s help towards the end of her pregnancy due to her six months house arrest, she’d powered through in a state of exhaustion but she’d done it and was proud of herself.

Now she barely lifts a finger. Eager to make up for his absence during her first pregnancy, Jax barely lets her lift a finger at home, and when he isn’t with her, there always seems to be a helpful brother lurking just around the corner. She hates the attention, but she loves him too much to tell him to stop fussing over her.

“Would you like a drink, Dr. Knowles?” Chucky asks from behind the bar. 

“Sure,” Tara says, raising an amused eyebrow as he reaches for the whiskey.

“Jesus Christ you moron!” Tig exclaims. “Where’ve you been the past 8 months? She’s knocked up dumb fuck she can’t drink that shit! Get her some juice or something.” Chucky pauses and looks at Tara, his eyes flicking down to her belly. She can see the blush staining his cheeks from here and she has to stifle a laugh.

Tig rolls his eyes at her and sends her a rare sweet smile. He sits down next to her a little too close, but she doesn’t mind the proximity. Once she would have been discreetly sliding away him at the first opportunity. Now she relaxes into the couch and smiles at him tiredly as he squeezes her knee affectionately. “How you doin’ sweetheart?”

“Good,” she replies softly. He nods awkwardly at her bump and Tara’s smile widens. “She’s good too. Won’t stop bloody moving though.”

Tig hums, his face uncharacteristically thoughtful. “That girl of yours is going to be safe and sound. You know that right?”

Tara’s smile vanishes. She thinks back to Donna’s brutal death, Abel and Thomas being kidnapped, and lastly she thinks of Dawn. Tig had barely seen his daughter in years, and yet just one careless lie told by Clay Morrow had ended with her burning alive before her father’s eyes. She sees the haunted look in his eyes, and though she aches to make things better for him, she doesn’t know how. 

Instead she takes his hand and squeezes it with both of hers. “I know that the club would do anything to protect my children-”

“It was a different time then,” Tig interrupts, his eyes faraway. “It won’t happen again. We’re different now.” Not knowing what to say, Tara just tightens her hold on his hand and sits with him in silence.

“You know, I knew back when you and Jax were kids you’d end up here,” Tig says thoughtfully.

Tara rolls her eyes. “No you didn’t.”

“Seriously. The way that boy chased after you, we all knew he would never settle for less. Sure, it took you guys a little longer than what I thought it would to get your shit together, but you made it. Look at you guys, the happy little family. Jax is the only one who’s managed to make it work. He’s lucky.”

Tara eyes him, her face completely blank. Chucky ventures back and awkwardly holds out a glass of orange juice with with both of his hands and a timid smile, unknowingly saving her from responding. “There you go Dr. Knowles.” Tara thanks him and promptly drains the glass. She tries to get up to take the glass to the kitchen, but it’s no use.

“Do you need a hand?” Chucky asks hesitantly.

“Fuck off,” Tara snaps, glaring at him as he flinches away nervously. Tig’s booming laugh echoes around the room.

Tara promptly bursts into tears.

Tig jumps up and away from her. “What the fuck?” he breathes, eyeing Tara as though she was the grim reaper himself. He shoots Chucky a furious look and punches him in the arm. “Look at what you fucking did!”

Chucky stumbles but catches himself. “I just got her some juice like you told me to! You were the one that-”

The roar of numerous bikes pulling up cuts him off. “Oh shit,” Tig breathes, shooting Tara a terrified look. Chucky pales and turns to Bobby, but the older man had already made his escape.

“Erm.. Tig? What do we tell Jax?”

\--

He’s exhausted and he has pink fucking paint in his hair. After an entire day painting his daughter’s bedroom and assembling furniture with Chibs, Happy, Quinn, Rat and the prospects, he wants to fall face first into bed and sleep for a week. The thing is, he honestly doesn’t understand how Tara does all of the shit she does with the house and the kids and holds down a full time job. 

Where the fuck does she get the energy from?

After they had finished though, the headache he now has is worth it. With pink walls and black furniture, his kid is already a SAMCRO Princess. He doesn’t know shit about decorating, as Tara had told him quite harshly that he didn’t have a say in how they decorated the new place, but even he has to admit the nursery looks good. He knows without a doubt that Tara will love it.

After thanking his brothers for their help, they head to the clubhouse. As soon as his eyes land on his sobbing wife though, his good mood instantly vanishes and he’s out for blood. “Oh shit,” Chibs murmurs behind him.

“Babe?” 

“J-Jax!” Tara sobs.

“What’s wrong?” he asks softly, rushing to his wife’s side and pulling her gently into his arms. He glares at his brothers, daring them to make a comment on how whipped he is, but they all remain mercifully silent.

“What did you do?” Jax snaps angrily at Tig when Tara makes no move to answer.

“Me?! I didn’t do shit man!”

Bobby pokes his head around the corner, and calls out, “He called Tara huge.”

“It was a compliment!” Tig repeats, gripping at his hair in frustration.

“Jesus what is wrong with you?” Jax rolls his eyes to the heavens and wills for some fucking patience. This is not how shit was supposed to go. 

“Babe tell me what’s-”

“I can’t get up!” Tara whispers tearfully.

There’s a long pause. Jax sends Chibs a confused look, but the older man just raises his hands and gives him an amused smile. 

“What?” Jax asks nervously.

“I can’t get up!” Tara snaps. “I can’t get up off of this stupid couch because I’m so big!” 

“No you’re not,” Jax soothes, running a hand through her hair. “You’re beautiful and radiant-”

“And fat,” Tara snaps. “I’m so tired of being pregnant! And Tig was being so sweet-”

“Tig?” he asks dumbly.

“Yes Tig! And Chucky got me a drink - since when do you guys have orange juice in the clubhouse? And it just made me a bit teary.”

“A bit?” 

Tara sniffles, her tears slowly coming to a stop as she attempts to wipe them away. “I’m sorry. I’m a fucking nightmare.”

He doesn’t disagree. The past couple of weeks Tara’s moods have been...irregular. One minute she would be all over him, telling him how much she loved him and how much she wanted him, and then the next she’d be screaming bloody murder at him, threatening to cut off his balls if he so much as looked at her funny. One minute she can be laughing, and the next be sobbing. 

It’s fucking exhausting.

Sensing her embarrassment, Jax presses a kiss to her cheek. “You terrorizing my brothers?” Jax breathes against her ear. 

“Only the ones who can’t handle me.” Tara blushes. “Jesus. I’m a fucking nutjob!”

Jax stifles a laugh, though by the murderous look in Tara’s eye he doesn’t manage to hide his smile. She hits him in the shoulder but otherwise doesn’t remark upon it. 

“This kid is making me crazy,” she says. “I wasn’t like this with Thomas. I was totally sane-”

“Not to doubt you babe, but you married an outlaw. I don’t think you were ever sane.” Jax laughs as she hits him twice as hard and rubs the tender spot knowing that it’s going to leave a bruise. He wraps his arms around her as best as he can and holds her to his chest, much to the amusement of his brothers. But he doesn’t give a fuck. He loves her way too fucking much.

“Jax?”

“Yeah babe?”

“Why’s your hair pink?”


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here, have some fluff before a pile of angst is dumped on you.
> 
> Firstly, guys, I need baby names. I have a few in mind. Send me your ideas please. 
> 
> Secondly, check out this amazing fanvid by the lovely haylie12 which gave me the kick up the ass I needed to finish this chapter today instead of eating an absurd amount of chocolate. You have her to thank for this chapter. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=igTRKcghFog

She’s speechless. The nursery is beautiful. It’s all pink walls, sleek black furniture and black and white curtains. There are black butterflies painted on the wall above the black crib and written in a black curved font are the words _SAMCRO Princess._  

She looks around with a small smile. Her daughter is going to grow up every inch the SAMCRO Princess, and though a small part of her worries about their choice to stay in Charming, she knows that no other little girl will be protected as her daughter will be. Jax and his brothers will see to it that her children are safe. Jax’s brothers have always been a part of her life, but now they are a part of her family. They care about her for her, not just because she is Jax’s Old Lady.

Still, she can’t believe that they have done all of this.

“Babe?”

Tara turns, a stunned smile on her face. “It’s beautiful,” she breathes. “You guys did such a good job.”

Jax smiles in relief, and she wonders how nervous he was under his cool confidence. She walks (not waddles despite what Jax says) back to him and throws her arms around him. “You did so good Teller,” she whispers. Her feet are killing her and her back aches and she longs to sit on the black leather chair in the far corner of the room, but Jax looks exhausted. She’s just about to suggest he head to bed for a few hours while she makes dinner for a change when he tightens his arms around her.

“I still can’t believe that this is happening.”

“How come?” she asks quietly. The boys are playing in Abel’s room, their laughter echoing around the house. She loves the new house, despite the fact that it’s so big that she has no idea what to do with half of the space. They will be happy here, she’s sure of it. There’s no ghosts of their past that haunt these rooms.

“I know that this is real,” Jax says, his voice soft and gentle in her ear. “She’s safe and the boys are safe. We’re happy and the club’s clean. It’s so stupid, but for so long I’ve been preparing for the worst. I still wake up feeling sick wondering if this is the day it’s all going to come crashing down. I didn’t want to tempt fate, and I guess I’m still scared that it’s all going to come crashing down around us.”

Tara swallows. “It’s not stupid. I still find myself thinking the same way. Maybe this peace won’t last. But you know what? We’ve battled against so much shit Jax, and yet here we are. We made it through everything, and we’re stronger for it. Things aren’t always going to be perfect Jax, but we will be alright.”

He pulls back and she can still see the doubt in his eyes - not doubt in them as a couple, but nothing can protect them from the harsh realities of the world that they live in. Tara entwines the fingers and squeezes his hands. For so long it has been Jax reassuring her over her doubts and her worries.

Now it’s her turn to ease his.

“You gave me a home and a family. You have given me _everything_. Whatever comes at us, we will deal with it together.”

Jax doesn’t say anything, he doesn’t need to, but he cups the back of her neck and leans down and kisses her softly. Tara feels a spark of lust shoot through her, and if it wasn’t for her aching back she would be dragging Jax to their bedroom and letting him show her just how much he loves her. It’s the first time in a few weeks that she’s been in the mood for sex, and quite surprisingly Jax is handling the lack of sex rather well.

Still, she doesn’t act on it. She pulls away from him and smiles widely as she turns back to look at the nursery in awe. She eyes the black crib, and though she loved Thomas and Abel’s little bedroom back in their old house, she feels a touch of regret that they never got to have a nursery like this. Jax and Tara’s relationship was way too new and complicated with old betrayals for her to even consider doing such things for Abel who she loved fiercely despite the bitterness of the fact that Jax had had a baby with another woman. And then with Thomas, Tara was at her wits end with a toddler, a newborn baby, and demands from work to even consider doing anything with the boy’s room.

She’s not alone this time, and she’s determined to do it right. Judging by Jax’s actions, she’s pretty sure that he feels the same way.

“We need to figure out a name,” Jax says, coming up behind her and gently rubbing the tops of her arms.  

Tara hums her agreement as she leans back against him. “Nothing goes with Teller. Why do you think I hyphenated?”

“Tara Teller is a lovely name,” he defends, still slightly put out that she hadn’t taken his name only.

She rolls her eyes at him as she turns to face him. “Whatever. You would say that. You didn’t get the shit ripped out of you by Opie every time he caught me staring at you in the seventh grade. The prick totally ruined it for me.” A smile tugs at her mouth as she remembers Opie sitting next to her in Biology, his all knowing eyes staring at her from the corner of his eye and his lips curved into a teasing smile as he hissed Tara Teller in her ear to make her blush.

Jax smiles a little sadly, but he carries on regardless. “Admit it babe, you used to write Mrs Tara Teller on your science book didn’t you?”

Tara rolls her eyes at him. “Don’t flatter yourself Teller-”

“You did!” he laughs, his mouth curling in delight at this newfound information. “Please tell me that you still have them,” he pleads.

“No because I never did it-"

“You’re blushing!” he says, his whole body shaking with laughter.

“I’m having a hot flush actually!” Tara snaps, though she’s unable to suppress a smile.

“Whatever babe. We both know the truth though. Who knew that pre-teen Tara would get it right, huh?”

Tara smiles fondly, and though she won’t even admit it to him now, she’d had such a crush on him since the moment she realised boys didn’t have cooties. He’d been one of her first friends, and slowly but surely he managed to creep into her heart and here they are thirty years later despite all of the pain and the betrayals they’ve endured throughout their relationship. “Well, I’ve always been rather smart Teller.” She curls into his side and rests her head against his shoulder. “What about something to remember Opie by?” she says tentatively, feeling like a complete cow for not suggesting it earlier.

Jax is silent for a moment, his eyes faraway. “Opie’s a terrible name for a girl.”

“I wasn’t saying that we should name her Opie,” she says, suppressing the urge to roll her eyes at him. “But maybe something relating to it-”

“I’ve already thought of it Tara, and nothing comes close.” He looks back down at her and presses a kiss the top of her head. “This baby gave us another chance to do this right. I don’t know if we ever would have sorted our shit out if she wasn’t here. I loved Opie. He was my best friend, my brother, but this kid is our hope, and she deserves something new, not from the ghosts of our past. I’m sure Ope would understand that.”

Tears brighten her eyes, though she pretty much cries at everything now, but she presses a kiss to his neck and tearfully replies, “If that’s what you want, then I’m okay by that. Maybe if we ever have another boy we can call him Harry.”

Jax looks down at her and asks softly, “You want another kid?”

Tara swallows back her tears. “Don’t you?” she counters.

Jax clears his throat. “Well, we do have a spare room.”

“I don’t want to have another one for a few years, but it would be quite nice if one of our children was planned.”

His eyes dance in amusement. “Well, one out of four wouldn’t be bad right?”

She doesn’t answer. Even the idea of future children exhausts her as her daughter delivers a rather brutal kick to her ribs. Tara hides a wince as she places Jax’s hand on her belly. Jax’s eyes light up, and though she knows that he won’t say it, she knows that he’s going to miss feeling the baby move inside of her.

He looks up, a smirk on his beautiful face. “What about-”

“We’re not naming the kid Hope or Faith. That shit is tacky as fuck.”

Jax slowly closes his mouth, a sheepish look on his face. “I wasn’t going to suggest-”

“Yes you were.”

“Then what do you suggest?” he counters. “We can’t keep calling her ‘the baby’ forever. She’s going to be here in a few weeks.”

“I’ve had a few ideas. How about Emma?”

Jax wrinkles his nose. “There’s a croweater called Emma.”

“Well it’s going to be pretty difficult to come up with a girl’s name if we don’t consider the names of all the women you’ve slept with,” she mutters sardonically. Jax tenses next to her but Tara squeezes his hand to show that she’s not trying to start a fight. It’s true no matter how much she wishes it to be different.

The idea hits her suddenly. “What if we get the boys to help us?”

Jax tries and fails to stifle his smile. “Babe, that’s a terrible idea-”

“It isn’t!” she insists. With their hands still joined, she pulls him out the room and down the hall to the boys room, ignoring his laughter as her resolve strengthens. “This way we can avoid any fights and it eases up the pressure.”

“They will end up calling the kid Pikachu or something!”

Tara sniffs, a smile tugging at her mouth at the sound of childish shrieks and giggles. “Don’t be ridiculous. Even they know that’s a terrible idea.” They come to a stop in the doorway, the boys captivating her attention immediately as Abel chases after Thomas who shrieks every time the other boy gets near him. From the corner of her eye, she can see Jax’s soft smile as he watches them. They watch them in silence until they finally both come to a stop when they catch sight of them.

Smiling at the boys, Tara goes to sit on Abel’s bed. She picks up Abel’s stuffed bear and hugs it to her chest as Jax sits next to her. “Guys, we need your help,” he says seriously, though his eyes twinkle with mirth as the boys gather around them curiously.

“With what?” Abel demands, all thoughts of their game pushed away as they are suddenly all business.

He shoots Tara a look. “We need you to help us name the baby. She’s going to be here in a few weeks, and we were hoping that you had some ideas.”

“Daniel,” Thomas says straight away.

Jax laughs, and when Tara shoots him a dirty look he just laughs harder. Abel rolls his eyes at his younger brother in that way that only an exasperated older sibling can do. Turning to Thomas with a gentle smile, Tara says, “Sweetie, the baby is going to be a girl like me.”

Not put out in the least, Thomas tries again, his eyes lighting up at his suggestion. “Dora.”

“Jesus Christ,” Tara whispers as Jax shoots her an amused look.

“You’re the one who thought that this would be a good idea babe,” Jax says.

“We are not naming our daughter after Dora the bloody Explorer,” Tara snaps at her husband. She tightens her hold on Abel’s stuffed bear and forces a smile for Thomas. “That’s a great idea sweetie, but do you have any other ideas?”

“Dora,” he repeats with a hint of steel in his voice.

Jax laughs next to her and it takes all of her strength not to punch him in the balls. Knowing it’s a losing battle, Tara moves onto Abel, her smile feeling more like a grimace at this point. “How about you baby? Do you have any ideas?”

Abel looks at her seriously, his face screwed up in careful thought. The amount of thought that he’s putting into it makes her want to burst with pride. “Tori,” he eventually says, his eyes flicking down to her belly briefly before looking back at his parents. “Tori Teller.” Abel gets distracted as Thomas pokes him in the arm and shrieking as he runs off. Abel takes off after him, their conversation quickly forgotten.

“I like it,” Jax says in her ear. “It’s a start.”

“No. It’s almost as bad as Tara Teller. This was a stupid idea,” she mutters, annoyed that they still haven’t come up with anything.

“Maybe, but look at how happy they are to be included in this.” And he’s right, she realises with a jolt of surprise. She had expected her boys to tolerate their new sibling, and she had been preparing herself for some jealousy - especially from Abel who has always been possessive of her - but to see them almost excited by the arrival of their sister surprises her in one of the best ways possible. “They’re going to love her so much,” Jax breathes in wonder, and she realises that he must have been expecting the same thing.

Impulsively she presses a kiss to his cheek. “I love you,” she says, smiling as he pulls her into his side and kissing the top of her head.

She looks on fondly as Abel patiently lets Thomas chase after him this time. Despite his exhaustion, Jax stands and joins them, his smile bigger and his laughter louder than both of her sons as they shriek as he advances on them. With her boys safe, her daughter fidgeting around in her womb and with her love for her husband stronger than ever, her life is pretty damn perfect.

  
She should have known that it wouldn’t last.


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am the worst. But we're coming to end the guys and shit's about to go down, you don't have to put up with my shitty schedule for much longer.

She’s sitting in bed as he comes in from putting the boys to bed. He shoots her a smile as he pulls his shirt over his head and tilts his head towards the en-suite bathroom. “I’m going to shower. You want to join me?”

It’s a tempting offer, but she shakes her head. “I don’t have the energy to get up. Leave the door open though. I can appreciate the view from here.” Jax’s laugh is wicked as he drops his jeans and disappears in all of his naked glory. With a smile, Tara turns back to the baby names book propped against her belly. Sometime later Jax reemerges, his damp hair pushed back with nothing but a towel wrapped around his hips.

“What’s that?” he asks, nodding at the book as he climbs onto the bed. The towel unwinds and if she wasn’t ready to pop out the kid, she would totally be taking advantage of the situation right now.

“A baby name book.”

“Let me see.” Jax takes the book before she can protest, but she snuggles up to his side as best as she can. “No weird names.”

“Harley,” Jax says instantly.

“We’re not naming the baby after a bike Jax,” Tara says patiently.

“Hannah. Hayley.” Tara hums noncommittally. She hears him flip through the book, but she knows it’s not going to do any good. “Maybe we can just not name her and then she can decide when she’s old enough?”

Jax looks at her sideways. “She’d call herself Britney or some shit. What about Amy?”

“Too common. There will be like 18 kids with the same name in her class.”

Jax snorts. “Ursula?”

“That is not in there!” Tara says incredulously.

“I think it’s a lovely name. With a name like Ursula she will rule the playground.”

“Alright that’s enough baby names for one night,” Tara snaps as she snatches the book out of Jax’s hands and chucks it across the room. It only makes him laugh harder as he presses a kiss to her temple, muttering in her ear that baby Ursula takes after her mother. It earns him a kick in the shin, but the bastard only laughs harder. 

\--

They don’t have a baby shower. It’s tacky and cheesy, and quite honestly she would rather spend an afternoon with Tig and Chibs than the few women she actually considers friends. They have no need for gifts and she really doesn’t want to make a big deal out of this.

Still, she forces a smile on her lips when Margaret comes knocking at her door one afternoon with a baby hamper from her colleagues. She can almost feel Margaret’s disapproval but Tara thanks her sweetly and offers her some lemonade like any other good homemaker despite her desire to chuck a glass at the woman’s face. She’s still pretty bitter that the older woman turned her back on her so easily during a time when Tara truly needed her. Tara’s smile is frosty as the woman declines, pleading that she has to get back to the hospital.

After that, there’s a steady string of women turning up at her door. They’re mostly Old Ladies whose husbands are inside or dead, but she gets more than a few croweaters turning up with baskets of toys and gift cards. She questions Jax about it eventually as he’s in the middle of trying on a baby carrier that Opie’s mom gave them, but he just looks at her blankly and replies, “I can get them to stop if you want.” She declines of course, not wanting to seem like a stuck up bitch when they have been nothing but kind - to her face at least. 

But she’s so ready for all of this to be over and done with when the next knock at the door comes. Jax has taken the boys out for the day, and though it is not often she enjoys being separated from them, she is in dire need of some peace from her three guys before a screaming newborn is brought into their lives.

Lyla’s standing at her door with an almost shy smile with a bottle of gin gripped in her hand and a gift bag in the other. Tara raises an eyebrow and nods at the bottle. “You know I can’t drink that right?”

Rolling her eyes, Lyla hands her the bottle and promptly pushes past Tara, her ridiculously high heels clicking against the wooden floor as she heads to the kitchen like she owns the place. “I figured that you had enough crap for the baby. I thought that you’d like something for _you_.”

Touched, Tara follows after her. “Don’t worry. I’m not staying long, I’ve got to pick up my kid. I don’t know if you drink gin, but I figured that Jax won’t touch it so it’s safe for a couple of months,” Lyla says, tossing a grin over her shoulder as she opens the refrigerator and pulling out a carton of orange juice.

“Thanks,” Tara says softly, still slightly bewildered. See, the thing is, she actually quite likes the girl. Despite her career choices, Tara respects her for doing what she has to do to look after her kid and now Opie’s too, and she will always remember her fondly for the slap she gave Ima when she slept with Jax. But they have never really been the kind of friends that go for a drink or turn up at the other’s houses unexpectedly, and that mostly Tara’s fault for being a judgmental bitch when they first met. Since Opie’s death, Lyla’s kept her distance from the clubhouse, not that she could blame her. But as the days have gone by, Tara has found herself missing the other girl. During the year the Jax was inside, Lyla and Gemma had both been a constant presence in her life, and she’s ready to admit that she’s missed them.

Not that she would ever tell Gemma of course.

She opens the bag on the table and almost moans as she sees her favorite box of chocolate, a bottle of wine and the latest J.D Robb book. She eyes a gift card for Victoria’s Secret and meets Lyla’s amused eyes. “Just because you’re a mom of three doesn’t mean that you can’t have sexy lingerie.”

Tara laughs. “Did Jax put you up to this?”

Lyla smirks as she hands her a glass of orange juice. “I’m sure that Jax will appreciate it, but no. I asked him if there was anything in particular you guys needed, and he said that you have so much shit around here you’re ready to chuck it out. So I thought you might enjoy something for yourself.”

“Thank you. Really,” Tara says as she takes a seat at the kitchen table. “I have seven SAMCRO mobiles and so many toys and clothes. The kid is never going to wear them all. I can’t even go by an hour without someone coming around bearing gifts. I don’t even know half of them.”

“Why are you so surprised?”

“I’m not Gemma. I don’t hold dinners for them, hell, I barely talk to them.”

Lyla snorts. “You’re the only Old Lady left Tara, and I really doubt any of those guys are about to settle down anytime soon. You’re Jax’s Old Lady, and that means something to those girls. He maybe the Prince of Charming, but you’re Queen now. These women need someone to follow, and they expect you to hold court now and again.”

Looking at her incredulously, Tara replies, “They despise me, and with all of those girls trying to get into Jax’s pants over the years, the feelings mutual.” She doesn’t even want to think about how many of those girls _has_ entertained Jax for a night, but she knows that her daughter is not going to be playing with any of the shit that those women have bought. The thought makes her want to puke.

“Are you kidding? You pretty much staked your claim when you broke Colette’s nose. It doesn’t matter if they hate you. They respect you, and unless they’re asked, they won’t go near Jax now.” Lyla softens for a moment and smiles almost sadly as she looks down at her hands. “You don’t have to worry about that though. Every girl in Charming knows that there’s no chance of Jax straying from you. You only have to look at him to know how much he adores you.” 

Tara’s throat feels inexplicably tight. She’s never been a good source of comfort, but she swallows down her discomfort and places a hand over Lyla’s. Judging by the shaky smile Lyla shoots her way, it’s enough. She thinks about telling her that Opie loved her too, enough to put a ring on her finger anyway, but she’s sure that Lyla has been told all of that before and doesn’t need to hear it from her.

“And what of you?”

“Me?”

“I’ve seen a fair few guys panting after you when you walk down the street. Surely some of them have the nerve to ask you out?”

Lyla blushes, and it’s such an innocent reaction given her job that it makes Tara smile. “Well yes, but it’s so soon after Ope and I have my kid and Opie’s-” 

Tara smiles wickedly. “Just because you’re a mother doesn’t mean you can’t have a good time Lyla. Besides,” she continues a bit more gently. “Opie wouldn’t want you to waste away. He’d want you to move on.”

Tears spring into the other girl's eyes, and just when Tara thinks that she’s gone too far and that she’s going to have to let Lyla cry on her shoulder, Lyla whispers, “You don’t think it’s too soon?”

She’s hardly the person to come to for relationship advice. What the fuck does she know about moving on from a man? She spent ten years pining after her high school sweetheart. “Only you can know that. Nobody can tell you when to move on. Don’t hold out because of guilt. Opie would never forgive himself if you weren’t happy because of him. It can take months or it can take years, but don’t give up just yet.”

Lyla blinks away her tears, and though her smile is a little sad, she squeezes Tara’s hand gratefully. “Thank you.” She get’s up to leave, and though she still feels a little awkward, Tara realises with a pang of surprise that she’s kind of enjoyed having the other girl here. With promises to share the bottle of gin, Lyla leaves, and Tara sits down with her new book and passes a few hours by reading. It’s only when the baby nudges her with a sharp reminder that it’s lunchtime does she stop and goes to the kitchen to make the grilled cheese that she’s been craving since 3am this morning.

The ringing of the doorbell interrupts her as she sits down at the kitchen table and before she can even take the first bite of her grilled cheese. Looking down longingly at her lunch, Tara considers ignoring it but the doorbell rings again insistently. With a muttered curse, Tara heaves herself out of the chair and waddling - yes, even she has to admit that her walk has turned into a waddle, much to Jax’s amusement - her thoughts still on the grilled cheese that she has been fantasising about for the past nine hours. She’s taken by surprise when finally gets to the door only to see an uncomfortable looking Juice standing on her porch with his hand raised to ring the doorbell again.

“Sorry,” the biker mutters, shoving his hands into his jeans and shuffling his feet uncomfortably.

Pasting on a smile, Tara wonders what has brought this particular biker to her house in the middle of the day. She swallows down her irritation at being disturbed on what is possibly going to be her last day of solitude for the foreseeable future.

“Hey,” Tara says when it’s clear Juice isn’t going to say anything more. He can barely look her in the eye for longer than a few seconds. “If you’re looking for Jax-"

“I’m not here for Jax,” Juice interrupts. His eyes linger on her belly, and she sees what little color he has in his face drain away. “I came because-fuck this is so messed up. Can we talk?” he asks.

He looks terrible. Unusually pale, bloodshot eyes and an alarming loss of weight since she last saw him in the clubhouse two weeks ago. With any other person she would have considered the cause to be drugs, but she knows that Juice is no junkie. No, she’s certain it’s all down to lack of sleep and food. And the club. She’s pretty sure that everything he has done has finally caught up to him, and he’s at his breaking point.

Juice has made his own bed at this point, but it doesn’t mean that she’s pleased to see him like this. She has never been close to the man, although she had once felt a fondness for the man who had once worn an easy smile on his face and tried so hard to please his brothers. 

It still doesn’t explain why he’s standing at her door asking to talk, and every cell in her body is telling her to turn him away. Swallowing back her unease, Tara opens the door wider and steps aside to let him in. He pauses uncertainly in the hallway, his lifeless eyes taking in the newly hung pictures on the walls. Remaining silent, he follows her through to the kitchen and declines her offer of coffee. “I would offer you something stronger, but there’s not much alcohol in the house these days.” 

Leading him into the kitchen, Tara takes her seat at the table and nods at the chair opposite her. The scrape of the chair across the tiled floor resonates through the entire house, and when he finally sits down, Juice’s eyes do not flicker from her. Swallowing back her growing irritation, Tara says, “How are you doing Juice?”

Eyes flashing with surprise, Juice looks at her for a long moment and then laughs bitterly. She wonders how long it’s been since someone has asked him such a simple question and genuinely cared about his answer. Juice runs a nervous hand over his head. “You have no idea.”

Long gone is the boy with a goofy smile desperate to please his brothers. She privately wonders what has happened to him to make him so serious and swallows down the guilt that eats away at her for not paying him much attention over the years. 

When she realises that he’s not going to talk anytime soon, with a heavy sigh, Tara gestures to her grilled cheese. “Do you mind?” she asks politely. Juice shakes his head. When she finally takes her first bite, she closes her eyes in satisfaction and if she were alone she would be moaning in pleasure. She pays Juice no mind, allowing him to gather his thoughts. He’s come here for a reason, and she has no place to be anytime soon.

He’s still silent by the time she’s finished, but as she gets up to put the plate in the dishwasher, she notices Juice staring at her stomach looking as though he’s about to puke and she knows that she’s made a huge mistake letting this man inside of her house. Eyeing the knife she used to cut her grilled cheese, Tara’s hands do not shake as she turns back around to face him. She leans back against the kitchen counter, making sure that her fingers are inches away from the knife. 

Shooting him a bland smile, Tara casually asks, “Are you here to kill me Juice?”


	20. Chapter 20

He doesn’t move an inch from his seat. Tara’s heart is pounding in her chest and all she can think about is protecting the baby by any means necessary. But she’s just about ready to pop. She can’t run and her chances of overpowering a man in her condition is almost non-existent at best. She’s alone, and all she can do is pray that Jax comes home early or he sends someone to come and check on her.

She’s suddenly very thankful for Jax’s overbearing protectiveness and vows never to argue about it ever again.

“Do you have any idea how hard it’s been to get you alone?” Juice says after a long moment, cocking his head to the side as he studies her. “Did you know that he’s had prospects watching the house since Wendy took Thomas?” The news shocks her, but she doesn’t let Juice know that. “I guess he’s learned his lesson when it comes to his family's safety.” Juice grimaces. “Or perhaps he still doesn’t quite trust you not to take off with his kids.”

Swallowing back her irritation at the insult, Tara cooly replies, “You can ask him yourself when he gets here. He must know by now that you’re here-” 

Juice shakes his head and looks away from her. “I took care of the prospect.”

Tara shivers as a chill goes through her. Her fingers inch closer to the knife but she freezes as Juices eyes flick back to her. “Who was it?” she demands coldly, surprised at her the rush of protectiveness that flows through her over men that she barely knows. 

There’s a flicker of something in his gaze as he stares her down. Guilt? “Oliver,” Juice replies, and damn him, a wave of sickness overcomes her as she thinks of that sweet boy who followed her around the store all those months ago and played games with Abel. “I didn’t kill him,” Juice rushes to console her at her stricken face. “I knocked him out, he won’t have more than a concussion.”

Tara remains silent as she stares Juice down, the relief that Oliver is alive and the knowledge that nobody is coming to save her this time warring within herself. Panic bubbles in the pit of her stomach at the realization that there’s no way out of this confrontation.

“I’ve always respected you,” Juice says, his voice void of any emotion. He links his fingers together and rests them on the table. “When you came back to Charming, you were the first person to make me feel like I wasn’t worthless, that I had something to contribute to the Sons. Thank you for that.”

Tara stares at him incredulously. “Do you expect me to say you’re welcome?” Tara snarks back, her fear momentarily forgotten.

“I don’t particularly like you,” he carries on as though she hasn’t spoken. Rubbing a hand across his newly shaved head, Juice looks at her long and hard. The defeated man that had sat with the world on his shoulders at her kitchen table only moments before is gone. The man that stares at her now is a man that has quietly made his choice and is resolved to carry it through by any means necessary despite the consequences.

“But you’re a good person,” Juice says calmly, those big brown eyes looking at her as though she’s a puzzle that he can’t quite solve. “Too good for this life. Too good for Jax. He’s a monster. Do you know that half of the fucked up shit I’ve done has been on his orders?”

“I know what kind of man he is,” Tara says softly when Juice doesn’t continue.

“Yet you love him anyway.”

There’s no hesitation in her voice as Tara replies, “Yes I do. He may not be a good man, but he’s trying to be-”

“He doesn’t deserve any of this!” Juice snarls, his careful composure snapping as he slams his fist down on the table making Tara jump in surprise. “This house, his kids, and he really doesn’t deserve you. I’m like _this_ because of him!”

“Is this what this is about?” Tara snaps, her fingers resting on the handle of the knife as her patience curbs. “You want revenge on Jax? Your choices are your own Juice,” she says bluntly. “Whatever he’s ordered you to do, you didn’t have to obey him!” Juice flinches at her words, but damn him she speaks the truth and he knows it.

“I am warning you, if you go through with this, your brother’s won’t rest until they find you,” she continues, her voice trembling in fear and rage. “Jax would kill you for even laying a finger on me. What do you think he would do to you if you took his daughter from him before she even takes her first breath? Because you won’t just be killing me, you will kill my baby too,” Tara says desperately in a last attempt to change his mind.

Juice sucks in a sharp breath, but he remains deathly still as those brown eyes stare at her. After a long pause, Juice quietly says, “I’m not here to kill you Tara. I’m here to warn you.”

Inhaling shakily, Tara narrows her eyes and bluntly demands, “About what?”

Juice swallows tightly. “Gemma - I owe her so much. She was the one who picked me up when I was at rock bottom. I would do anything for her. But this isn’t right. You’re having a baby-”

“Just stop - shut up!” Reeling, Tara pushes away from the counter, the knife foolishly forgotten as she steps closer to Juice, her hands curling into fists as it all finally clicks. “Gemma asked you to kill me?”

There is no pity in his eyes as Juice stoically replies, “Yes.”

Her throat is on fire as Tara swallows against the sudden tightness, her eyes pricking with unshed tears. “Despite being pregnant with her granddaughter?” she asks, horrified. 

Hesitating, Juice carefully replies, “She said that it’s an unfortunate sacrifice, but she needs you gone.”

Oh God. She’s furious. The audacity of that psychotic woman- 

But fuck it all to hell more than anything she’s _hurt._ She has loved Gemma and hated her. The woman has never been her biggest fan, but there have been times over the years that Gemma Teller was the closest thing she had to a mother, and now she had arranged to have her killed, and by extension her own granddaughter?

_Oh God Jax-_

She planned to wipe out half of her son’s family despite her claim that family always comes first. How can she betray her own son like that?

She’s his _mom_ , and she planned to kill his wife and daughter.

This will break him.

“When did she ask you?” Tara demands.

“Two months ago.”

“So you’re not too far gone to kill an unborn child?” Tara hisses, a twisted part of her enjoying the way Juice flinches at her words. He deserves the pain for even considering doing the bidding of that poisonous bitch.

“Not quite yet,” Juice mutters bitterly.

“Tell me. If I wasn’t pregnant, would you have gone through with it?” His silence is answer enough. “So much for having your respect,” Tara spits.

“You have to understand!” Juice pleads, his eyes begging her to understand. “This club has broken me! I know it’s my fault - I started all of this, but the things I’ve done because Jax ordered me to - I would have done anything to get revenge since he froze me out. You’re the one thing he can’t live without. And you will always be a target because of it.”

The words sting with their truth, but she refuses to think about it now. “Why not just wait? You could have waited a few weeks and Gemma would have had her boys and a new baby to boot. Why are you here now?”

The question throws him for a minute, and Tara’s pretty sure Juice himself doesn’t know why he’s pouring out Gemma’s secrets to her. “I’ve seen you two together,” he says after a moment. “You’re Jax’s one redeeming quality, and if someone like you can love a man like him, then there has to be something good in him. I don’t want another death on my conscience, especially yours.”

Tara clenches her jaw shut to prevent the sob building in her throat. She turns away from Juice’s sad eyes and and quickly swipes her eyes. “Why is she doing this?” she whispers.

“She’s desperate Tara. In her eyes, you’ve taken her family from her, and that’s unforgivable. She’s coming for you Tara.” Juice stares at her with something akin to pity, and it takes all of her self control not to shake the look out of him.

“Get out,” Tara says quietly, her hands shaking in rage. She turns back to him and hisses, “Get out of my house, get out of my town,” she hisses, because she is finally ready to admit that this damn town is _hers._ She’s ready to own it and be what it needs her to be.

Ironic that it’s taken her mother-in-law plotting her murder for her to finally step up. 

Juice looks up at her, tears swimming in those big brown eyes that had once endeared him to her. “I’m sorry,” he whispers pathetically.

“I don’t need an apology,” Tara snaps, ignoring at the way he flinches. She realises then what he’s come to her house for. Forgiveness. This shell of a man wants _her_ forgiveness for not doing the bidding of Gemma Teller. It’s almost enough to make her laugh. “I want nothing from you. If you don’t get out of this town within the hour then Jax will kill you for even contemplating laying a hand on me.”

Juice goes deathly still and murmurs, “You’re not going to tell him?”

Tara scoffs. “Of course I am. I’m giving you a head start so I don’t have another bloodstain on my new kitchen floor. There won’t be any bloodshed within these walls, no matter how much I’m considering it right now.”

“Thank you,” Juice says woodenly as he stands up, and she suspects that it’s not the outcome that he was hoping for, and in fact he almost wants the sweet release of death that he was sure was bound to come at Jax’s hands.

“I’m not doing this for you. I don’t want another death on Jax’s conscience. The only mercy you will receive from me is that you have my word that Jax won’t come after you if you leave right now and never step foot in Charming again.” She steps closer to Juice, eyeing him carefully. “But I don’t think that was what you were hoping for was it?”

She moves away but his strong grip on her wrist stops her. “It wasn’t just my conscience that stopped me. You’re a good person Tara,” he insists, his eyes wild with desperation for her to just understand. “You don’t deserve any of this.” 

“You think that I should be thankful that you wouldn’t kill a pregnant woman?” Tara looks at him in silence for a long moment and allows herself to pity him for a moment despite the disgust she feels for him. She looks down pointedly at his hand until Juice reluctantly lets go. “Goodbye Juice.”

Juice looks at her for a long moment before turning around and walking out of her house and out of their lives for good. She’s frozen in place, her thoughts all over the place as she vaguely registers the sound of a motorcycle tearing off down the street. The baby gives a gentle nudge, and it snaps Tara out of her stupor as she wipes away the tears on her cheeks.

She pushes away the urge to call Jax. She gave Juice an hour, and she will honor her word. Instead she rushes for the door - she’s got a prospect with a concussion to find.

\--

Much to her relief, she finds Oliver rather quickly across the street lying behind a bush. His pulse is steady, and after a few minutes of gentle coercion, he wakes up more embarrassed than hurt only needing a couple of stitches. “Some fucker - Oh erm, excuse me Dr. Knowles. Somebody hit me from behind,” he says once he’s sitting up and she’s certain that he has nothing more than a mild concussion, flushing as he realises his predicament. “Are you alright? Did something happen? I should call Jax-” 

“I’m fine,” Tara soothes, planting a smile on her face. “It was probably just kids thinking that they can get one over on a biker. Besides, I’m sure that you don’t want Jax knowing that somebody got the better of you.”

His blush deepens, and damn she feels shitty for playing on his pride but she needs time to plan and she most certainly doesn’t want Jax coming home now. “I’ll call Bobby and get him to pick you up. You shouldn’t be driving after a hit to the head.”

“Sure,” Oliver says after a moment of hesitation. He gets to his feet and helps her up once he’s gained his footing. “But - Dr. Knowles, how did you find me? You’re not supposed to know that we’re here.”

“I saw your bike when I was going out to the garage,” she lies smoothly. “Now come inside and we can sort you out.” He follows her without argument, and for the hundredth time she thinks that Oliver will make a terrible Son.

\--

She waits two hours before she shoots Jax a text asking when he’s coming home. Oliver is long gone with a half amused and half pissed off Bobby. He found it funny as hell that some kids had managed to get the jump on the kid, but he was also pissed off that the prospect had been found out by his charge. “Don’t go too hard on Jax,” he’d said, pulling her to the side as Oliver slinked over to the pickup truck. “He’s been pretty damn paranoid since Wendy.”

“Is there something I should be worried about?” Tara demanded.

Bobby raises his hands in a gesture of peace. “Not at all Doc. Things are quiet for the first time in years. Our boy is just afraid that his perfect life is about to come crashing down on his head.”

_You have no idea._

She’s sitting in the kitchen staring into space with her hands wrapped around a steaming mug of tea when Jax comes in through the back door with the kids in tow.

“Hey babe,” Jax says softly, a sleeping Thomas in his arms and Abel trailing along behind him looking dead on his feet.

She forces a smile and throws an arm around Abel’s shoulder as he hugs her and gives her a tired smile before slowly heading to his room. “What have you done to my boys?” she demands. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen them so worn out.”

Jax laughs softly with a carefree smile, and her heart twists at the thought of telling him about his mother’s plans because it’s going to change everything. She’s terrified that he’s never going to smile like that again. She’s afraid that all of the progress that they’ve made in the few months will have been for nought. And though she knows better, Tara’s afraid that a part of him will blame her for not making the effort to get on with Gemma.

If she hadn’t frozen Gemma out of the boys lives, none of this would be happening.

She has kept so many secrets from him about his mother. The rape, Maureen Ashby’s letters, her drug abuse around the kids.

But this?

This will break him.

“What’s wrong?” Jax asks gently, his keen eyes studying her every move as he shifts Thomas in his arms. Her baby wakes up, his blue eyes blinking tiredly until they land on her and a small smile forms on his lips. Tara blows him a kiss and feels herself smiling genuinely for the first time in hours.

No. She won’t let Gemma Teller ruin her family. She has every intention of telling Jax all about what his mother has been up to, but not with her boys so close to the fallout. That poisonous woman is not hurting her family ever again, and she sure as hell isn’t going to let Jax go down the path of vengeance against his own mother. Gemma will get what she deserves, but not at the cost of her man’s soul. 

Gemma can wait a few hours. The woman isn’t going anywhere.

“Nothing that can’t wait until later,” Tara says, standing up and taking Jax’s hand. She smiles up at him and brings his hand to her lips to kiss it softly. “Just not now, okay?” she pleads, squeezing his hand and eyeing the boys pointedly. _Please, just give us a few more hours of peace._

Jax looks at her long and hard, and she can tell that he wants to argue and know what’s going on this second, but he takes a deep breath and replies, “Alright.” It’s a simple enough word, but his tone tells her everything she needs to know. He’s willing to let it go. For now.


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The end of this chapter is what made me turn this into a multi-chapter story instead of a one shot. I wrote it before I even posted the first chapter. We're coming to the end guys. Thank you for every comment and your never ending patience. Enjoy.

Months ago, back when they’d decided to give things another go, Jax and Tara promised that there would be no more secrets, no more lies. It’s something that she will live by until her dying day now, but at the time they agreed to such a promise, she had had no idea just how painful telling Jax the truth could be.

She doesn’t want to tell him, to ruin that carefree smile that has graced his lips these passed few weeks as he slowly and cautiously came to the realization that just maybe things will work out for them. 

But this isn’t something that she can keep from him despite consequences she knows it will bring.

No secrets, no lies. 

Still, she’s thankful that he doesn’t push her to tell him straight away despite his obvious impatience. His careful eyes take in her every move as she watches him cook dinner from the kitchen table - and damn, despite her murderous mother in law on her mind, even she can appreciate the sight of Jax’s cooking, his sleeves of his checked shirt rolled up to his elbows as he stirs the pasta sauce. Seeing him all domestic is a surprising turn on. The kids are in front of the television, though she’s almost certain that they’re asleep judging by the lack of noise coming from there. 

The baby’s foot catches her in the ribs pretty hard making her wince.

“You okay?” he asks, his eyes focused on her instead of the pasta that is about to boil over. 

Tara hides a smile and rubs the sore spot gingerly. “The pasta,” she gently reminds him. Jax swears softly and quickly turns back to deal with the pasta. It’s been a long while since she has seen him so frazzled. “That’s what happens when you’re watching me instead of concentrating on cooking,” she teases gently. 

“I don’t know how you do it,” he grumbles, turning down the temperature before leaning against the counter in exhaustion. “Taking care of them, doing all this and being a goddamn doctor. And doing it with another one on the way.” He smiles tiredly. “You’re out of your damn mind.”

Tara laughs softly. “You forgot about taking care of you too.”

Jax rolls his eyes. “Right of course. I’m the worst out of the lot right?”

“Damn straight baby.” Tara winces again as the baby shifts again, trying to get comfortable in the little space she has left.

“What-”

“Don’t worry,” Tara soothes him gently. “She’s getting restless, that’s all. She’s tired of being cooped up in such a small space. It feels as though she’s made out of knives these days.”

Jax comes over and pulls up a chair next to her and gently rubs her belly, his eyes focused on his hands as he soothes his daughters kicks and punches. “Was Thomas like this?”

“No,” Tara says fondly. “He was always so calm. I was terrified all throughout the last month because he barely moved.”

His eyes flick up to hers. “You never told me that.”

“I knew that everything was alright, I was just nervous.”  _ And alone, _ but she doesn’t say that. “I didn’t want you to worry about me when you were inside.”

Jax remains silent and averts his gaze. She doesn’t have to see the sudden clench of his jaw to know that he still feels guilty for how shit went down during her first pregnancy. She covers his hand with hers and tries to tell him without words that they’re all alright now despite everything that has been thrown their way.

“Not long now,” he says gently, looking back up at her looking a combination of deathly afraid and excited.

“You scared Teller?”

He grins widely. “Terrified. But in the best possible way.”

“Me too,” Tara breathes, her eyes flickering away from his soft gaze. “Jax?”

“Yeah?”

“The pasta.”

“Oh fuck-”

\--

The boys are barely coherent throughout dinner, and it’s with a heavy heart Tara realises that she won’t be able to drag this out for much longer. Meeting Jax’s watchful eyes, Tara suggests that they forget bathing them and putting them straight to bed despite it being barely 7.00pm. She leaves Jax to deal with Thomas as she takes Abel’s hand and gently tows him upstairs, for once not chattering away and insisting that he’s not tired yet despite being unable to stifle his yawns. 

Their regular bedtime routine goes far too quick, and all to soon she is pressing a kiss to Abel’s head as he falls asleep. Making sure that his night light is on, Tara shuts the door behind her and crosses the hall to Thomas’s room. Leaning against the doorframe, her pounding heart settles a little as she watches Jax run his hand through his son’s soft hair and kissing his forehead. Despite all the harm that Jax has done in the name of his family and his club, being a Dad has always come naturally to him. She leaves him to it, feeling as though she’s intruding on a private moment between father and son.

Lingering outside the her daughter’s room, she can’t bring herself to go in. How could Gemma possibly kill her own grandchild just to get rid of her? She could never even contemplate hurting Abel or Thomas in any form, let alone taking away someone they love-

“Babe?”

Tara jumps, her heart thumping against her chest erratically. Forcing herself to take a calming breath, she turns to Jax. “Let’s go downstairs,” she says softly, turning away from his worried eyes and carefully maneuvering down the stairs. After a moment of hesitation, Jax’s footsteps follow her.

Every footstep feels as though they are getting closer to some inevitable end, and in a sense they are. This war between her and Gemma only had one ending from the moment that Gemma made it clear that only woman could be in Jax’s life. 

Gemma won’t stop coming for her. For her family. And no matter how many threats she and Jax make, Gemma will not rest until she has Jax and her babies back.

She doesn’t want it to end this way.

But more than anything, she doesn’t want to break Jax’s heart.

Leading him into the lounge, Tara swallows back her nerves and forces herself to look at Jax standing in the doorway looking wrecked with worry. She opens her mouth but nothing comes out. 

“Tara. Please,” he says tightly, his patience finally at an end.

They will get through this.  _ They have to. _

“Juice came by today,” she says at last, her soft voice sounding too loud in the silent house. “At first I thought that he was looking for you, but he came to see me.” She pauses, searching for the right words but nothing comes to mind. How do you tell your husband that his mother wants to kill the mother of his children?

There’s a long tense silence, and when it’s clear that Tara isn’t going to say anymore, Jax snaps, “Why are you only telling me this now?” His voice almost makes her flinch away from him. It’s been so long since his anger has been directed at her. The fury on his face makes her want to run for the hills and she’s barely even started yet. “Fuck Tara, what the hell were you thinking even-”

“I shouldn’t have let him in, I know!” Tara cries. “I was so stupid Jax. I know what he’s done, but he looked so lost and I thought maybe I could help him or something.” She presses her hands to her eyes, willing herself not to get emotional. “By the time I realised that something was wrong, it was too late. I couldn’t call you and he’d already taken care of the prospect. He’s fine,” she assures him when he looks like he’s about to interrupt. “Juice just knocked him out. 

“ _ Shit _ ,” Jax breathes, his hands curling into fists. 

“He kept talking about how alone he is, and how you shouldn’t get to be happy. He blames you for what he’s become Jax.” Tara swallows against her painfully dry throat and when she continues, her voice trembles. “I honestly thought that he was going to kill me.”

Unable to hold it in any longer, a few tears escape. Tara swipes them away quickly. Jax looks at her for a long tense moment, his face twisted in fury. “He’s dead,” he says simply, is voice shaking with rage. He takes off before she can even blink, and by the time she gathers her whits to follow, he’s already down the hall and in the kitchen, pulling on his hoodie but not quick enough for her not to see the gun tucked into the waistband of his jeans.

“Jax, no wait!” she cries, rushing to him and catching his arm just as he’s pulling his kutte on. “I told him you’d leave him be.”

“You did what?” Jax hisses as he spins around, his blazing eyes focusing on her.

“I gave him an hour to get out of town. He won’t ever return Jax. He’s alone and miserable, and that’s his punishment.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” Jax snaps, stepping away from her. “He scared you, and that alone is a death sentence-”

“Let me finish. Please,” she begs, waiting with bated breath as some of the tension leaves his body after a long moment. The barely concealed rage in his eyes terrifies her, but she remains still until he nods at her stiffly to continue.

Swallowing back her dread, Tara continues. “I was wrong. He didn’t come here to kill me Jax. He came here to warn me.

Oh God. She can’t do it. 

This will kill him.

“Tara,” Jax says tightly.

_ No more lies. _

“Two months ago, you’re mother asked Juice to kill me.”

The words hang between them in the silent house. Jax looks at her, the rage slowly clearing from his face as her words register.

“What?” he breathes.

Tara sucks in a much needed breath and gently explains, “Gemma asked Juice to kill me. He said that he owed her. If I wasn’t pregnant, he might have done it, but he couldn’t go through with it. He’s not that far gone yet.”

“Why? I don’t..” he trails off looking like a lost little boy as his eyes shine with unshed tears.

_ Oh Jax. _

She aches to hold him and to make this all go away. But no words from her can spare him this awful betrayal.

“She blames me for everything. I’m the reason that you two barely speak. I’m the one who stopped her from seeing the boys. She had it all before I came back, and in her eyes, I took it all away.” Tara swallows back a sob. “I’m so sorry Jax.”

She steps closer to him and reaches for his hand but he flinches away from her. 

“Jax,” Tara breathes, her tears spilling over once more. But Jax just shakes his head and rubs his eyes with the back of his hand. When he looks down at her again, he looks eerily calm, and it chills her right to the bone.

“This ends now,” he says softly.

Realization dawns on her.

“Don’t do this,” she says softly as he tries to step around her, but Tara matches him step for step until her back hits the back door and blocks his way. “Don’t go.  _ Please.” _

Jax looks down at her, his face carefully blank. “You think that I’m going to let her get away with this?”

“Jax-”

“Get out of the way Tara,” he says, his voice deceptively calm. His hands are clenched into fists and she can see the way that he is almost shaking with fury. 

“Jax, please listen to me.”

“Move Tara!”

“No! Not until you hear me out.” She presses herself further back against the door and runs a soothing hand across her stomach when she feels the baby kick. “You don’t have to do this-”

“Yes I do!” he finally snaps, his barely concealed rage finally breaking free. “Everything that has happened is down to her. She brought Wendy back. You almost lost the baby because of the shit she pulled!”

“But she’s fine!” Tara cries, catching his hand in hers and placing it on her belly at the baby’s furious kicking. “See?”

Jax tugs his hand away as if he’s been burnt. “Why are you even trying to stop me? She was planning to have you killed Tara! She was going to take you away from the boys. She was going to take you away from  _ me _ . Do you expect me to just ignore all of that?”

Tara blinks back tears. She cups his face in her hands but he steps away from her. “If you do this, there is no coming back from it.” She notices the tears in his eyes and her heart breaks. “I’m not defending her. I’m trying to save you. Please, baby. You love her. It will kill you, Jax. You won’t ever be the same. Don’t cross that line. We have both done terrible things. Don’t add killing your own mother to the list.”

“Goddammit Tara! Get out of my fucking way!” he shouts down at her and slams the palm of his hand against the door. 

Tara flinches away from him. In that one moment, she sees the Jackson Teller that the rest of the world sees everyday. The President of the Sons of Anarchy, the man who kills people without the blink of an eye. The man who terrifies many, but he has never scared her until this moment. She sees the the self loathing in his eyes and her heart breaks for him.

At this point, she doesn’t give a damn about Gemma, but she loves this man more than anything in this world, and she will be damned if she lets anybody destroy what they have built, even if that person is himself.

“Come back to me,” Tara whispers desperately. She looks into his eyes and sees only a coldness that chills her to the bone. Gone is the man who has spent months trying to prove himself worthy of her and the gentle father who kissed his son goodnight not an hour ago, and in his place is the stone cold killer who has no place in her heart, let alone her kitchen. “You don’t have to be this person anymore.”

“She was going to hurt you.”

“But I’m okay. Look at me.” With sure hands, the cradles his face in her hands. Jax closes his eyes when she smooths her thumbs against his cheekbones. “I’m here baby. I’m right here. You don’t have to do this.”

All of the hope drains out of her.

He takes her hands away from her face and gently pulls her away from the door. “Even after all of this time, you still don’t understand. She was going to  _ kill _ you. She was going to kill my daughter Tara! My mom was going to take you away from Thomas and Abel. She was going to take you away from  _ me. _ You are my life. All of this is pointless without you here. And that is why she needs to pay for what she has done.”

“Please don’t do this,” Tara whispers. “This isn’t who you are.”

He presses a hard, bruising kiss to her mouth. “Yes it is.”

He walks out the door without a backwards glance.


End file.
